Just a rant about two things

Just a rant about two things.


Indifferent 'advice' for other people's problems

People who just tell others to 'toughen up' or 'move on' in response to significant problems in life without even wanting to listen to their experiences, are usually not people who have had to 'toughen up' or 'move on' from any significant problems themselves. And by significant problems I don't mean things like not having your bins collected on time or Cadbury Crème Eggs not tasting as nice as they used to, but life-affecting situations.

If I was diagnosed with cancer and I went to a cancer survivor to share my worries with them, I doubt very much they would tell me to just 'toughen up' and 'move on' without at least first listening to what I've got to say and discussing things with me, because ultimately they'll know what it feels like. Their experience of the illness has given them empathy.

But the people I'm talking about, well, they've never been through similarly tough times themselves. Everything has been relatively easy for them and because of that they seem to have this unfounded smug and arrogant confidence, which to be honest, would quickly disappear if things even less severe in nature were to happen to them - never mind things of the same severity!

It would be like them seeing someone screaming loudly in pain as they are attacked by a swarm of bees, telling them to 'toughen up' and then fainting themselves when they see one of the bees fly towards them.

But I suppose being subjected to such an attitude is useful, as it represents the attitude of the world as a whole. Because after all, the world is not going to stop spinning no matter how bad your problems are and you will have to ultimately 'get on with it.'

But it does certainly make you appreciate those people who have the ability to empathise!





Caring about what others think of you

My life has been determined by this for as long as I can remember and it has led to depression essentially due to a life not freely lived.

Anyway, I had an epiphany today.

Say you have someone who always puts in loads of effort into looking stylish in front of everyone. They really look forward to being complimented on their appearance and they get upset by criticisms. And they are doing a nationally televised parachute jump. Now say they have never told anyone that they used to actually be really nerdy looking in the past. Before they jump out of the plane, they learn that the parachute has a photo on there of them from their nerdy days and that the whole nation will see it if they open the parachute. And then they get pushed out of the plane. I'm 99.9% certain that they would ultimately end up opening the parachute because they value their life more than the opinions of others.

So the question is, if they don't allow the opinions of others to affect them in a life and death situation, why do they allow the opinions of others to affect them in normal everyday life where it's nowhere near a matter of life and death?

On your first point, I totally agree. I just don’t bother listening to them too. The experiences I’ve been through along with my family have thought me that everybody has their level of “sh!t” and each persons is defined by your experiences. Mine is worse than many but not as bad as some.

Ive learned to care very little about what most people think. There are a few people who have opinions I value but generally I try to live by my own set of values. I try to be better tomorrow than I was today rather than judge myself against others. That parachute would therefore vindicate me rather than embarrass me.

Wise words, well put.

In my experience, for what it's worth JKD, there's something about the balance in life which spits out an almost equal number of people who are as dismissive and uncaring as you describe, and a certain number of human gems whom you may feel privileged to encounter and even maybe strike up a friendship with.

My school life as a teenager was less than enjoyable and I think it left me with a strong distrust of everyone I met. Later on I was able to be surprised by extraordinarily generous (for me) behaviour.

Try not to have expectations of people - they will either disappoint or reassure but not when it's necessarily convenient for you unfortunately - have patience and the right sort of people for you will turn up. The chances of this happening of course will increase by moving about, meeting people and knowing you have the right to decide on your friends.

I agree that you should try not to let the opinions of others control your life on superficial things, but caring what other people think k can be a strong motivator.

I am far more likely to push myself and not give up during a circuit training session if I’m working as Per of a group rather than on my own.

The same applies in team-based settings of any kind. If my salespeople need to hit a certain collective milestone to get rewarded they will (for the most part) work harder for each other than if I left them to work individually.

People who just tell others to 'toughen up' or 'move on' in response to significant problems in life without even wanting to listen to their experiences, are usually not people who have had to 'toughen up' or 'move on' from any significant problems themselves. And by significant problems I don't mean things like not having your bins collected on time or Cadbury Crème Eggs not tasting as nice as they used to, but life-affecting situations.

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I'm the first to say its all relative, and the biggest problem you are facing today is by far the most largest issue you have ever had to deal with, you should not be belittled because others have experienced more hardship, most of the time its not helpful, but. Always a but, While I agree, sometimes people do need hard truths. Last year my biggest problem was my car broke, this year its cancer. Makes last years problems seem easy.

You will be judged in life, ever one does it knowingly or unknowingly, I try and make a conscience decision to never prejudge but thats hard work... Its hard to not care, we are social creatures.

What I would say is surround your self with people whose opinions carry the same weight as your own. Moral values are hard to come by independently, its massively influenced by the people you are surrounded by. If you are around "good people" life is easer.

In life, there are some people who only ever have to climb hills and never have to climb any mountains.

Unfortunately, they act like they've been climbing mountains.

I remember my mother, long gone now, used to have talks with a great friend who was not only wise but a marriage guidance counsellor. When I came home from primary school it was this house I went to for tea in the company of one or both of her daughters. I think these took place mainly when I was a kid and didn't know any better, but she once passed on to me many years later a page torn out of a small squared-paper notebook with the heading 'Assertiveness Training' above a list of 8-10 short statements.

These mainly referred to one's "rights" - annoyingly, over all the subsequent years, I have unable to locate this small memento but have just looked it up and as a starter found this.

If you can wade your way through the irritating pop-ups it looks interesting and could even be a stepping-stone to further investigation. Something which looked pertinent was the remark about other people's behaviour and how one must accept the difficulty in attempting to control it......