Fiat Coupe Club UK

Crap joke thread

Posted By: MattM

Crap joke thread - 01/01/2009 23:03

I like crap jokes, so lets hear what you've got.

Here's a couple to get the ball rolling;

1)What's Dr Who's favourite food?

"Darlek Bread"

2)What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

"Felipe Fillop"
Posted By: came2dance

Re: Crap joke thread - 01/01/2009 23:44

What do you call a turkey in a shell suit.



an egg
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 01/01/2009 23:47

A vicar checks into a hotel. He tells the receptionist "I am a vicar, I hope the pornography channel in my room is disabled!"

The receptionist replies "No, It is just regular porn, you sick freak"
Posted By: MattM

Re: Crap joke thread - 01/01/2009 23:53

A green man lives in a green house in Greentown. One day the green man is in his green bath in his green bathroom.
While the green man is in his green bath he hears a knock on his green front door. So the green man wraps a green towel around his green body and walks down the green stairs and opens the green front door. As he opens his green front door, his green towel falls off his green body. The woman who knocked on the door is shocked and runs away. She runs over the road, and as she is doing so getsmowed down by a car and dies.
So, what is the moral of this story?

"Don't cross the road when the green man is flashing!"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 00:09

David Blunkett walks into a shop, picks his guide dog up by its tail and starts swinging it around and around in circles.

The Assistant comes over and says "Can I help you?"

David Blunkett replies "It's OK thanks, I am just having a look around".
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 01:02

Two cats swam across the English Channel in a race. The first was called One Two Three Cat, the second Un Deux Trois Cat. Which one won?






One Two Three Cat, because Un Deux Trois Cat sank.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 01:05

Why did the Koala bear fall out fo the tree?



.....Because he was dead.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 01:15

What's pink and hard?

A pig with a flick knife.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 03:08

1 1 was a race horse 1 2 was 1 2.
When 1 1 1 1 1 2 1 1 2
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 04:37

 Originally Posted By: Aah4Fuxake
A vicar checks into a hotel. He tells the receptionist "I am a vicar, I hope the pornography channel in my room is disabled!"

The receptionist replies "No, It is just regular porn, you sick freak"


Now that actually made me giggle.

Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 05:25

How do you save a bagpiper from drowning?




Warning, Spoiler:

Take your foot off his head.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 08:07

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I’m from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "So am I!"

"Sure and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!"

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"





"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 08:24

Why are old men in nursing homes given viagra?


Warning, Spoiler:
So they don't roll out of bed.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 08:35

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.

One says to the other, "Are you alright?"

"No, I lost an electron."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm positive."
Posted By: Mansilla

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 08:45

Two Snowmen are stood in a field.

One says to the other: I can smell carrots.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 09:13

If I ever own a race horse I'm going to call it 'my face'
Posted By: stan

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 09:34

 Originally Posted By: Piers
If I ever own a race horse I'm going to call it 'my face'




....and with your luck you'll have Graham Norton standing on one side of you and Julian Clary on the other! \:D
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 09:34

 Originally Posted By: Piers
If I ever own a race horse I'm going to call it 'my face'


#
\:D took a little while........
a certain amount of enthusiastic cheering is needed
Posted By: MarioCirillo

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 10:33

here is one, its not tooo rude im sure we can handle it

so santa went down the chimney one night,
he started putting the presents under the tree when a woman walked into the room.

"please santa wont you stay" . . . she said with a sexy tone in her voice.

"ho ho ho, got to go, got to deliver all the presents to the children you know"

the gorgeous blonde slowly removed her night gown

"oh come on santa . . . please wont you stay!"

Im sorry he replied. . ."Ho Ho Ho got to go, got to deliver all tyhe presents to the children you know!"

The lady removed all her clothes and once again asked santa to stay.

This time santa looked at her, put down his sack of presets and replied

"Hey Hey Hey, Got to Stay, Cant get up the Chimney with a Bon*r In the Way"

\:D
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 11:20

2 cannibals eating a clown, 1 looks at the other and says..

"This taste funny to you?"

Cowboy walks into a german car showroom and says Audi
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 11:23

A man is in the hospital recoving from an operation and has been moved from ICU to a standard room. Although he still has the IV and Oxygen, his recovery is progressing fine and he is looking forward to going home in a few days if all looks good to the doctors.

The attending nurse comes into his room and is checking the equipment and his vitals and through his oxygen mask he asks, "are my testicles black?"

The nurse is a bit flabergasted by the question and says, "Sir, I am only here to check on your IV and bloodpressure, you will have to ask your doctor that question"

He repeats himself, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Forcefully she retorts, "Sir that is not part of my duties"

When he asks her again, "are my tesiticles black?" , she senses his urgency and being empathetic to his situation, she lifts his gown grabs him by the sack, looks, and replies, "no, they look fine to me".

He removes his mask and spouts, "Honey, I appreciate the extra attention, but ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 11:30

Why don't you eat a Curly Wurly at 7am???

It's twirly!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 11:49

reception desk at hospital receives phone call:

"Good morning, I just wanted to enquire about Mr. Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov" "How is he doing?"

"Good morning sir - he is doing very well."

"Ah, excellent. And when is he expected to be going home, please."

"All being well, he will be discharged tomorrow morning."

"Thank you, nurse. I appreciate your help."

"You're welcome sir - can I just ask who is calling?"

"Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov."
Posted By: Gunzi

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 11:57

Two elephants walk off a cliff

Boom Boom
Posted By: magooagain

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 12:19

Two parrots siting on a perch. one says to the other
Can you smell fish?
Posted By: jimboy

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 12:27

OK go on then \:D


what do you call a man with seven balaclavas on his head....
















anything you want to call him, he wont hear you...boom..boom
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 12:48

I've just watched Harry Potter. A bit unrealistic if you ask me...

I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 12:53

Its not ginger, its strawberry blonde \:D
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 13:13

What kind of bee's make milk???






Boobee's
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 13:50

What's Jeremy Clarksons PIN number?

0 2 60
Posted By: magooagain

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 14:35

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Dug.
Posted By: JimO

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 14:38

What do you call a man without a spade in his head?
Dugless.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 14:44

What do call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 15:00

What do call a man with no arms or legs in a river?
Bob
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 15:12

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?"

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 15:14

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. It is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says the wife. "Cant you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing" replied the drunk
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 15:24

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?"

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 15:38

/\
|

\:D
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 15:42

It'll probably get deleted but hey.

<correct!>
Posted By: MattM

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 16:11

 Originally Posted By: Gunzi
Two elephants walk off a cliff

Boom Boom


Two Elephants and a snake are sat in a tree.
The branch snaps and they hit the floor

Boom Boom Hissss
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 16:29


A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequeing some juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm.

They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said:
You were born Protestant.
You were raised Protestant.
But now you are Catholic!

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying:
You were born a cow.
You were raised a cow.
But now you are fish!




I also came across this joke:

A man in Ireland walked down an alley. Suddenly, he was surrounded by a gang of six men carrying knives. One of them said "Catholic or Protestant?". Wisely, the man replied "I'm an athiest." Replied the gangster "Catholic athiest or Protestant athiest?".

Just about any immigrant who's lived in N Ireland in the past 40 yrs will no thats actually a reality
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 17:45

Boots have got tampax on special offer.

Limited period only
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 17:58

Exit signs, are they on the way out?
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 18:26

Why does the bride always wear white?
Kitchen appliances are always that colour.

Don't be sexist, the birds hate that.

What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice Crispies.

What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet.
Sorted.

The trouble with the French is they have no word for entrepreneur.

What do you call an Irishman who steals your pint?
Nick McGuinness.

How many pyschoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
How many do you think it takes?
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 18:28

Why did the rudeboy get lost in the jungle?

'cus jungles massive innit..
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 18:34

 Originally Posted By: TbirdX


How many pyschoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
How many do you think it takes?




None the light needs to want to change itself
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 18:45

How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but it will take 20 episodes
Posted By: ali_hire

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 19:33

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two but you'll never get them out again!

(shamelessly stolen from someone on here ages ago)
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 19:55

how many vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN!!! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!!!!!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 19:57

why does it take 10 women with pmt to change a lightbulb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.BECAUSE IT FCUKKING DOES!!!!!
Posted By: flyingcustard

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 20:05

How do you get Pikachu on a bus?
Pokemon
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 20:07

how do you make a dead baby float



two scoops icecream, one scoop of dead baby
Posted By: ikon

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 20:22

whats got two legs and bleeds alot?????



half a dog :-)
Posted By: Roadking

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 20:37

 Originally Posted By: belfastjohn
how do you make a dead baby float



two scoops icecream, one scoop of dead baby




What's the differance between a bucket full of sand, and a bucket full of afterbirth?


You can't gargle with sand.
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 20:48

 Originally Posted By: The Management
You agree, through your use of this service, that you will not use this Forum to post any material which is knowingly false and/or defamatory. Users will also refrain from posting anything that is, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane, sexually oriented, threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, or otherwise in violation of any law. You also agree not to post any copyrighted material unless the copyright is owned by you or by this Forum.


Careful, boys... let's not get carried away...
Posted By: Countrycruising

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 20:50

I fear this thread can only get worse \:s
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 20:56

If it does, it'll get nuked. It's happened before.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 21:05

Neil - loosen up. We all love you, but really, ... no, I won't elaborate.

Happy new year everyone.
Posted By: Roadking

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 21:06

How many C&W musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb, and three to write a song about how much they miss the old one!

(AFAIK not copyrighted!).
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 21:07

how many fccuk mods does it take to change a light bulb?

None, the lightbulb wont be changed, it will be deleted
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 21:09

LOL
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 21:10

what do you call a sheep with no legs?



a cloud \:\(
Posted By: Countrycruising

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 21:16

Here's a couple or 20 \:D


What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer.

Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?

What do you get when you squeeze an olive? Oliver Twist!

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens!

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday? "Thanks, I'll never part with it!"

What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polly Unsaturated

Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he
made a Boo-Boo.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car.

When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.

What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.

What do you call two men with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Curt and Rod (curtain rod)

What goes 99-thump, 99-thump? A centipede with a wooden leg.

Why was the man arrested for waiting in the Big Top? He was loitering within tent.

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. (no eye dear) What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes? Still no idea.

What's long, yellow and fruity? An apple in disguise.

What's black white black white black white black white black white...a penguin rolling down the stairs.

Why did the elephant paint his toenails different colors? So he could hide in the M&M dish without being seen!

Why does E.T. have such big eyes? Because he saw his phone bill.

Two vomits were walking down the street when one started to cry. The other said, "What's wrong?" The first replied, "This is where I was brought up!"

Why were all the ink spots crying? Their father was in the pen.

What did the dog say to the tree? bark.

Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? To find Pooh

What's the difference between a guy falling from the 1st floor and one falling from the 17th floor , the guy falling from the first goes, ' splat , Aaaaaaaargh " and the one from the 17th goes, " Aaaaaaargh , splat ".

What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit? A bad hare day.

Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land far far away there lived a woman who was just too busy! She decided to make a clone of herself so she could get twice as much work done. Well, the clone helped her a lot, but it also gave her a bad reputation because the clone constantly swore. One day, the woman couldn't take her clone's foul mouth anymore, so she took it to the top of a building and pushed it off. Soon after, the woman was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

Why did the booger cross the road, because he was being picked on

What did one casket say to the other casket? Is that you coffin?

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.

What's Irish and stays out all night? Paddy 'O Furniture.

Where do kings keep their armies? In their sleevies.

How to you organize a spacey party? You planet.

How do you start a book about ducks?...With an introduction.

How do you catch a rabbit? Hide behind a tree and make carrott noises.

What do you get when you cross 100 pigs with 100 deer? 200 sows and bucks!!!

Why can't you play cards in the jungle? Because there's too many cheetas!

What did one frog say to the other? Time's sure fun when you're having flies!

Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they're full of anty-bodies!

What do you call an Italian feline trying on clothes? Catalina dressing.

If a athlete get's athlete's foot what does an astronaut get? Mistle Toe.

Santa says to Mrs. Claws "Any idea what the weather will be like for Christmas?". Mrs Claws: "Look's like rain, dear"

What did the digital watch say to his mom? "Look mom no hands."

How does the gingerbread man make his bed? With cookie sheets.
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 21:17

How many free market economists does it take to change a light bulb?


None - the market will change if it it needs changing.
Posted By: Countrycruising

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 21:23

Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.

A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Why are proctologists so gloomy?
They always have the end in sight.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Roamin' Catholic.

What did the apple say to the orange?
Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.

What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
Take him out for a drag.

Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.

What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.

What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A private tutor.

What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit?
A bad hare day.

Have you ever seen an elephant hiding behind a flower?
That's because he hides well.

What was the centrepiece of the annual
Anorexia and Bulimia sufferers convention?
A cake jumping out of a girl.
Posted By: samsite999

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 21:51

"How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?"

i take a fence to that.........
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 22:12

 Originally Posted By: Countrycruising


What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit?
A bad hare day.

Have you ever seen an elephant hiding behind a flower?
That's because he hides well.


?? I must be very drunk.
Posted By: Countrycruising

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 22:15

No they're just crap ;\)
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 22:27

2 dyslexics go skiing and have an argument at the top of the mountain. One is convinced that the best way is to zag-zig down the mountain and the other is adament that it's zog-zeg!

Another chap comes along and one of the dyslexics asks him to settle the argument. 'Hey mate, when skiing, do you zag-zig down the mountain or zog-zeg'?

Other guy says, 'damned if I know, I am a tobogganist'.

One of the dyslexics answers, 'fantastic, in that case, I'll take 20 Bensons and a box of matches'



Posted By: ali_hire

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 22:41

Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street when they happen upon a sign which reads, 'Tree fellers wanted.'

Paddy turns to Murphy and says, "oh what a shame there's only two of us."
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 22:48

Deciding question at the builder's job interview: "What's the difference between a joist and a girder?"

"Well, to be sure, sor, one wrote Faust and the other wrote Ulysses."
Posted By: bockers

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 23:01

 Originally Posted By: belfastjohn
how many fccuk mods does it take to change a light bulb?

None, the lightbulb wont be changed, it will be deleted


And then it will be argued over in the mods section for the next 4 weeks, and again 4 weeks after that Then the lightbulb will be replaced but locked so no one can turn it off \:D
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 23:09

What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

Ifangew - I'm here all week!
Posted By: bockers

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/01/2009 23:11

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pyjamas.













Your mum \:D
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2009 00:01

How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb?
Posted By: magooagain

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2009 01:03

 Originally Posted By: belfastjohn
how many fccuk mods does it take to change a light bulb?

None, the lightbulb wont be changed, it will be deleted
good idea with the recent jokes
Posted By: MattM

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2009 01:07

How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
"paint it's testicles red"

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
"something eating the cherries"
Posted By: Danhgt

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2009 01:14

What do you call a three legged donkey?
A wonkey.

A man walks into a bar, and says ouch.
Posted By: magooagain

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2009 01:18

Sorry ,but i like prawns Emjay.
Posted By: magooagain

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2009 01:50

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
///////Cliff
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2009 01:58

Then there was the dyslexic who sold his soul to santa.

And the insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic who lay awake at night agonizing over the existence of dog.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
The Fish.

How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
Depends how thin you slice them.

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice for 3 days?
Because it said 'concentrate' on the carton.

Who's the only 22 stone man to ride a derby winner ?
Gerrards cell mate. (didn't take long huh)

Whats the german word for bra?
Keipsemfrumfloppin.

2 cows in a field, one goes, "Mooooooooooooooo" the other turns to her, " I was going to say that".

What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence missing?
Divorced.

Whats grey and can't climb trees?
A Car park.

Since I replaced sex with food, I can't can't even get into my own trousers.

What do you call a man with his legs chopped off at the knees?
Neil.

What do you call a woman withlegs the same length?
Nolene.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A Flat minor.

Making a will, thats just a dead giveaway.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2009 04:40

Why should you never trust estate agents?

Because they are all deceptively specious.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2009 05:12

How did the rastafarian mod wear his hair?

In Threadlocks.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2009 05:15

Of John, Mike, Susan and Margaret, only one votes Conservative, Mike is two inches taller than one of the girls, and no-one who votes labour lives with Mike. Who lives with John?


Warning, Spoiler:
Geraldine
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2009 09:06

How do you double the value of a Fiat coupe?

Stick a couple of quid in the glovebox °\(
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2009 09:54

Oh, please, Vicks. You have at least to fill it up, too...

Why do Fiat Coupes have heated rear windscreens?

So you don't get cold hands pushing them...
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2009 10:20

Bloke walks into a garage and says to the mechanic,
"Have you got a fan belt for my Fiat coupe"
Mechanic says "Sounds like a fair swap"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2009 12:28

what do you call a fiat coupe with twin exhasts and a sunroof?

a wheel barrow.....
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2009 12:31

What do you call a convertible Fiat coupe?

A skip \:o

Oh, what have I started \:D
Posted By: Countrycruising

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2009 12:55

Why did Pininfarina design the Fiat coupe?














Because Fiat knew it would look good even when broken down!


Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2009 16:06

10 reasons why men are lazy:

1)
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2009 19:11

A tanker carrying superglue has overturned on the northbound M6. Police are advising motorists to stick to their own lanes.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2009 20:58

Removed...

1. It was all in capitals.
2. It didn't make sense.
3. It had too many swear words in it.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2009 22:39

a baby seal walks into a club.........

thank you
goodnight
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/01/2009 06:12

A lorry carrying one million alarm clocks has overturned and shed its load on a dangerous bend in Cumbria. One police spokesman said "this is a real wake-up call for motorists".
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/01/2009 17:31

Why is 6 afraid of 7 ?

Because 7, 8, 9 \:D

Courtesy of my 12 year old brat darling daughter \:D
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/01/2009 17:59

how do you make a snooker table laugh?








put your hand in its pocket and tickle its balls.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/01/2009 18:00

what do you call a woman lying in the gutter ?







ingrid!!!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/01/2009 18:00

what do you call a woman setting fire to all her bills???







bernadette! ha ha !
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/01/2009 18:01

what do you call a man with three planks of wood on his head?









edwood wooodwood
Posted By: MCMike

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/01/2009 18:07

please stop !
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/01/2009 18:08

(needs to be told, not read)

What's the difference between illegal and unlawful?

One's against the law, the other's a sick bird.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/01/2009 19:19

What wobbles as it flies?



A jelly-copter.
Posted By: MattM

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/01/2009 19:26

Where do bees go on their day off?
To the wax museum.
Posted By: chrissy

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/01/2009 19:27

Why did the skeleton burp?




























Because he didnt have the guts to fart..........
Posted By: MattM

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/01/2009 19:27

A boy asked his rich uncle for a cowboy outfit for his birthday.
So the uncle bought him a used car dealership.
Posted By: MattM

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/01/2009 19:32

A man goes into a butcher shop and says, "I bet ya £350 that you can't reach that bit of meat," indicating a cut of beef hanging above him. The butcher looks up and says, "No way."

The guy says, "Why not?"

And the butcher answers, "The steaks are too high!"
Posted By: MattM

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/01/2009 19:36

1 more i found;

A man had a son, but he was born as only a head. The man loved his son very much and took care of him, even though he was only a head. When the son turned 21, the man took him to a bar.

"One whiskey for my boy, barkeep!" said the man.

"You don't want to do that," said the bartender.

"He's a man, just turned 21! Get him a whiskey!" "I'm serious," the bartender insisted. "It's a bad idea."

"Just do it!" ordered the man.

So the bartender got the head a whiskey, and when he drank it, he sprouted a body! The head and his dad were excited, but the bartender wasn't pleased.

"Wow, another one of those for my boy!" yelled the man.

"It's a really bad idea," the bartender stated.

"Just give him a stupid whiskey! Geez, I'm payin', ain't I?" said the man, a little frustrated now.

So the bartender gave the son a whiskey, and he grew an arm! The father made the bartender give more whiskey to the head, and he grew another arm, a leg, another leg, and finally the head was a whole person.

The son was so excited that he ran into the street, screaming and shouting happily, and was hit by a car and died.

"I told you," the bartender said. "You should've quit while he was a head."
Posted By: AndrewR

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/01/2009 21:19

A man goes to the doctor's and the doctor says, "I've got some good news and some bad news".

"What's the bad news", asks the man.

"Your test results have come back", says the doc, "and they show that you only have 3 months to live"

"Oh my god! That is bad news ... what's the good news?"

"Well", says the doctor, "Do you see that gorgeous blonde nurse with the huge chest over there? I shagged her last night!".
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/01/2009 21:32

Q. Why did Ronaldo crash his Ferrari?

A. 'cos he's crap at corners!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/01/2009 22:54

A couple are at the doctors, the doctor pulls the guy to one side and says...

"I'm sorry to tell you sir but your wife has either aids or alzheimers.
"Can't you tell which" asks the man
"No" says the doctor
"What should I do" Asks the man
"Take her into town and leave her there, if she finds her way home, don't shag her".
Posted By: MattM

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/01/2009 23:03

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 24/01/2009 14:03

How do you get 2 whales in a mini?

Up the M4 \:D
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 24/01/2009 14:10

better answer is: up the M4
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 24/01/2009 14:15

I think that might have been the proper answer, yes. ;\)
Posted By: Gareth_M

Re: Crap joke thread - 24/01/2009 16:40

Whats a Wok?


Its something you throw at wabbits when you dont have a wifle!

Boomtish!

G
Posted By: ali_hire

Re: Crap joke thread - 24/01/2009 17:02

Major power cut at one of Dublins' top department stores yesterday.

Some shoppers were stuck on the escalators for up to 3 hours.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/02/2009 11:00

 Originally Posted By: MattM
2)What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

"Felipe Fillop"


Man. I cant see or hear about flip flops any more without this joke popping into my head. \:D
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/02/2009 12:32

I went to a fortune teller yesterday. She said "We are closed". I said "Could you not tell I was coming"?.


Anyway we sat down and she said "You will not have anymore children". And after that her crystal ball rolled off the table and crushed my Knackers.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/02/2009 14:31

 Originally Posted By: symonh2000
I went to a fortune teller yesterday. She said "We are closed". I said "Could you not tell I was coming"?.


Anyway we sat down and she said "You will not have anymore children". And after that her crystal ball rolled off the table and crushed my Knackers.

bom bom,,,,, °\(
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/02/2009 22:53

how does a proffesor do a s**t? he works it out with a pencil
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/03/2009 15:36

Two fish in a tank, when one turns to the other and says "you have any idea how to drive this?"

Two cows in a field, one says "nice weather today..." the other one says "f**k me, a talking cow!"
Posted By: MattM

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/03/2009 16:05

Two parrots are sat on a Perch.

One turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish?"


R lass didn't get that joke!
Posted By: sugerbear

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/03/2009 16:06

Why did the monkey take his banana to the doctors

Because it wasn't peeling well.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/03/2009 16:24

A guy with a flatulence problem goes to a doctor.

"Doctor", he says, "I keep farting really loud and it sounds like a motorcycle."

"OK", replies the doctor, "Drop your trousers, bend over and we'll have a look."

After a while, the doctor says "Ahh, yes, I see the problem.... you have an abscess on your sphincter."

"And as everyone knows", he adds, "abscess makes the fart go Honda."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/03/2009 18:20

OK, if you insist on keeping this alive ...

MAN DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. (Nov. 13) -- A 39-year-old Charlottesville man died Thursday in a freak accident involving his washing machine. According to police reports, Samuel Randolph Strickson was doing laundry when he tried to speed up the process. Strickson apparently tried to stuff approximately 50 pounds of laundry into his washing machine by climbing on top of the washer and attempting to force the clothing into the basin. Strickson then apparently accidentally kicked the washing machine's ON button. When the machine turned on, Strickson lost his balance and both feet went down into the machine, where they got stuck. The machine started its cycle, and Strickson, unable to free himself, started thrashing around as the machine's agitator went into gear. Strickson's head banged against a nearby shelf in the laundry room, knocking over a bottle of bleach, which poured over Strickson's face, blinding him. Forensic reports say Strickson apparently also swallowed some of the bleach. He then vomited, but was still unable to free himself. Strickson's dog, then apparently came into the laundry room. At about the same time, according to police, a large box of baking soda fell from the shelf, startling the dog, who then urinated. Urine, like vinegar, is acidic, and the chemical reaction between the urine and the baking soda resulted in "a small explosion," according to police reports. The dog, however, escaped unharmed. Strickson remained stuck in the washing machine, which eventually went into its high-speed spin cycle, spinning Strickson round at about 70 miles per hour, according to forensic experts. Strickson's head then smashed against a steel beam behind the washing machine, immediately killing him. A neighbor heard the commotion and called 911, but Strickson was pronounced dead at the scene.

Not a joke, but no worse than a crap one.
Posted By: AndrewR

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/03/2009 18:32

In the news this week, Michael Jackson has announed his dates for his UK tour. They are David (aged 8), John (aged 9), Jeremy (aged 6) ...
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/03/2009 12:20

Eurrgh, that one was hideous!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/03/2009 14:46

Q. Why do mathematicians never get constipated?

A. Coz they're always prepared to work it out with a pencil.
Posted By: JimO

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/03/2009 14:50

Wow, the same way the professor does 4 jokes up rolleyes
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/03/2009 15:49

Originally Posted By: JimO
Wow, the same way the professor does 4 jokes up rolleyes


Oop! blush
Posted By: ali_hire

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2009 10:43

Apologies in advance...


A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'


'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'
Posted By: came2dance

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2009 10:56

lol at Enforcer. I was just thinking of posting a non-joke (for a laugh) but i doubt i would have been as creative as you. Make sure you keep out of the laundry room Enforcer laugh
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2009 11:07

How do you make a hormone?















Don't pay her....
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2009 13:35

Don't you hate it when when someone writes a joke and they put an exclamation mark at the end of the punch line?

It's like they're laughing at their own joke!
Posted By: Darlo_Nick

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2009 13:49

Why did Shelock Holmes paint his hall-way yellow?
.
.
.
.
.
.
"A-lemon-entry my dear Watson!"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2009 18:56

bye
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2009 18:56

what do you call an orange parrot??
























a carrot
Posted By: came2dance

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2009 20:35

Why was the sand wet

Click to reveal..
because the sea weed
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2009 20:42

why emjay ???
Posted By: Emjay

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2009 20:47

"Users will also refrain from posting anything that is, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane, sexually oriented, threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, or otherwise in violation of any law."

I refuse to believe that you are not smart enough to work it out smile

Did it not cross your mind it was a bit close to the edge? Honestly?
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2009 21:11

TBH it was just a joke smile fairdoos . Did you not laugh ??? wink


coat
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2009 21:14

I didn't as not funny ... which makes it a non joke
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2009 21:15

yes but you need a sense of humour in the first place wink tongue
Posted By: AndrewR

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2009 21:40

I thought it was quite funny, personally, but humour's a very subjective thing.
Posted By: Panic

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2009 21:43

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?







FULL!!!! hurl
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2009 22:06

whats green and lies in the gutter???



kermit the grog
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 21/03/2009 17:16

(From my 6 year old niece...)



What's pink and fluffy?











Pink fluff...

What's brown and sticky?











A stick....

What's blue and fluffy?












Pink fluff holding it's breath...
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 21/03/2009 18:19

What do you call a woman with a sandwich on one shoulder, a slice of cake on the other and a cup of tea on her head?

Cath coat
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/03/2009 18:53

Paddy says to Mick...

"I've been taking these steroids, and I've grown an extra willy!!!!"

"Anabolic?" Mick asks?

Paddy replies...

"No mate, just a willy....."
Posted By: phatphiat

Re: Crap joke thread - 09/04/2009 21:40

How many Irishman does it take to change a light bulb?






about 300 - 1 to hold the bulb and 299 to turn the room round.
Posted By: evo_number_one

Re: Crap joke thread - 09/04/2009 21:45

Breaking news......

Jonathan Ross caught on CCTV stealing kitchen utensils at Tescos...

Told the arresting office he saw the camera, but thought it was worth taking the whisk....
Posted By: MattM

Re: Crap joke thread - 09/04/2009 22:07

I used to date a Siamese twin but she caught me shagging her sister behind her back
Posted By: evo_number_one

Re: Crap joke thread - 09/04/2009 22:11

I used to go out with Fatima Whitbread.... but she chucked me.
Posted By: MattM

Re: Crap joke thread - 09/04/2009 22:17

A bloke takes a DVD back to the shop;

"I asked for Slumdog Millionaire but all that's coming on is Jade Goody"

"Oh sorry" the shop assistant replied, "I thought you asked for sumdog withnohair"
Posted By: evo_number_one

Re: Crap joke thread - 09/04/2009 22:39

I recently went to the anniversary wake for Jeremy Beadle.

Was famished when I left as they only laid on a small finger buffet.
Posted By: MattM

Re: Crap joke thread - 09/04/2009 22:49

A coroner said today that "Jeremy Beadle died at exactly 6:30"

When asked how they knew, the coroner replied "Both the big hand and small hand were pointing down"
Posted By: evo_number_one

Re: Crap joke thread - 09/04/2009 23:01

The Lesbians nextdoor won the lottery last month and said they wanted to treat me for my birthday.

Now don't get me wrong, the Rolex was a nice touch, but I think they must have misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch"
Posted By: ali_hire

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/04/2009 08:54

Originally Posted By: MattM
A coroner said today that "Jeremy Beadle died at exactly 6:30"

When asked how they knew, the coroner replied "Both the big hand and small hand were pointing down"


Well if we're digging out Jeremy Beadle jokes...

Apparently Jeremy Beadle has got a really tiny penis, but on the other hand it could be quite large.
Posted By: evo_number_one

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/04/2009 10:34

After FIFTEEN attempts, the Wife has finally passed her driving test.

On returning home she excitedly logged onto the 'net and I asked "What are you looking for?"

"I can't decide" she said "I just want something cheap to run around in. Why don't you have a look and surprise me?"

I've just ordered her a pair of Trainers from Matalan...
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/04/2009 10:39

Gratuitously lifted from another forum - but worth it.....

A vicar books into a hotel and asks the clerk

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled"

"No Vicar its just regular porn you sick bas*ard!"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/04/2009 15:31

There's trouble in Fairytale Land ...... six of the dwarves aren't happy.
Posted By: MCMike

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/04/2009 01:02

LMAO @ Nello laugh
Posted By: MattM

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/05/2009 21:24

I think i'm getting swine flu.......I keep breaking out in rashers!!!


I think i've got swine flu, i rang the doctor today and described my symptons to him, but i couldn't hear his reply. All i could hear was Crackling!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/05/2009 12:01

My clotheshorse broke this morning.

It was the end of an airer.
Posted By: Mansilla

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/05/2009 21:38

A man makes his first parachute jump.

He pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens.

In a panic, he pulls it again. Still nothing.

Then, to his amazement, he sees another man pass him - on the way up.

So he yells to him 'Hey, mate, do you know anything about parachutes?'

And he replies 'No. Do you know anything about Gas Cookers?'
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/05/2009 13:12

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Teacher: Where the fcensoredk do you get seven from?!?!?

Johnny: Because I fcensoreding have 1 at home!!!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 24/05/2009 13:44

And the big bad wolf bellowed "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!!!"
"Fccuk off", cried the little pig, "Or I'll sneeze on you!"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 09/08/2009 00:34

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/02/2010 13:43

A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed."
The man says, "But this is a special dog -- he talks!"
"Yeah, right," says the bartender. "Now get out of here before I throw you out."
"No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove it." He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top of a house?"
"Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail.
"Listen, pal..." says the bartender.
"Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another question." He turns to the dog again and asks, "What's the opposite of soft?"
"Ruff!" exclaims the dog.
"Quit wasting my time and get out of here," says the bartender.
"One more chance," pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?"
"Ruth!" barked the dog.
"Okay, that's it!" says the bartender, and physically throws both man and dog out the door and onto the street.
Turning to the man, the dogs shrugs and says, "Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio?"
Posted By: jimboy

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/02/2010 14:18

Priceless JKD. laugh I laughed a lot at that. hehe
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/02/2010 15:45

I like that. laugh
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/02/2010 15:47

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/02/2010 00:13

How about this one, then.

One day the great philosopher Socrates came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued."You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter -- the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/02/2010 13:24

ashley colemhas just been banned for speeding was caught doind 146 mph on the m25,the arresting officer asked him why he was going so fast,ashley relied ive just had a text john terrys car's outside my house
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/07/2010 12:51

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he got up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
Posted By: jimmylo

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/07/2010 14:30

When I was young all the other kids used to bully me. They would cover me in whipped cream and put cherries on me.

It was tough growing up in the gateau.........
Posted By: AndrewR

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/07/2010 17:20

Red Bull gives you wings ... unless you're Mark Webber, when it gives them to your team-mate instead.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/07/2010 20:26

Did your hear about the dyslexic South African football fan?

He got arrested for blowing a Zulu's Vulva!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/07/2010 20:27

The good thing about paedophiles is that at least they drive slowly past schools...
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/07/2010 20:30

A biker goes to his doctor with a hearing problem.

" Describe the symptoms" asks the doctor

The biker answers

" Well , Homer is a big fat lazy yellow bast*rd, and Marge is a tall skinny bird with big blue hair!"
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/07/2010 20:41

How can you spot a blind guy at a nudist camp?

Its not hard.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/07/2010 21:03

Why did the chicken cross the road and wander onto the local soccer pitch?

Because the ref was calling fouls
Posted By: AndrewR

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/07/2010 22:02

OK, a very old biker joke ...

A truck driver is on the motorway doing 60 when there's a tap against his window.

He looks over and, along side him is a biker, who's standing, barefoot, on the bars of his bike, working the throttle with his toes, with his helmet off and stuck on the pillion seat and this biker's motioning for the truck driver to wind his window down.

He does so, and in the face of the 60mph headwind, shouts, "What do you want?".

The biker raises a cigarette and yells, "HAVE YOU GOT A LIGHT, MATE?"

"YOU F***ING IDIOT!" yells the trucker, "YOU'RE GOING TO KILL YOURSELF!"

"NAH", comes the biker's reply, "I ONLY SMOKE 10 A DAY".
Posted By: ali_hire

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/07/2010 16:35

I put the cool in dyslexia.
Posted By: ali_hire

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/07/2010 16:37

I just saw a holiday advert "Book by 25th July and your children go free".

I know the holiday industry's having a tough time, but I hardly think kidnaping kids and making televised demands like that is the way forward.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/07/2010 16:58

Originally Posted By: ali_hire
I put the cool in dyslexia.


I put the sex in Lydia
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/07/2010 20:03

How do Mexicans keep warm?

They use Chicken Fajitas. laugh
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/07/2010 21:12

A man goes into a butchers shop and says to the butcher...

"A pound of kidderleys please."

"You mean kidneys don't you sir?"

"Thats what I said diddleye"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/07/2010 21:31

How many swearbots does it take to change a light bulb?




Who gives a censored

laugh
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/07/2010 22:07

Originally Posted By: belfastjohn
How many swearbots does it take to change a light bulb?

Who gives a censored

laugh


I was going to say s***loads laugh
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/07/2010 22:39

laugh

Sorry Mario I just cant help myself... ok I'll stop laugh
Posted By: srm6

Re: Crap joke thread - 21/07/2010 12:25

What do Michael Jackson and Arthur Scargill have in common?



Neither have seen a Miner's helmet in years
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 30/03/2011 00:43

can we get a joke sticky going

Secrets to succesful dating
Before you leave your house...
1. Put on a little too much cologne.

2. Before you leave home, fill your pockets with mints. When your date says something to you when she's really close, give her a mint. EX: Girl - ''This movie sure is romantic.'' Guy - ''Here's a mint, now what did you say?''

When you go to pick her up:
1. When you get to her door, don't knock or ring the doorbell, just go on in. She's expecting you.

2. Call her parents by their first names.

3. If she asks you how she looks, and her parents are nearby, tell her she looks sexy.

4. When introducing yourself to her parents, tell them that you prefer to go by your gang name.

5. Always look nice when you meet the parents. wear a new Marlboro jacket and be sure to tell them how many Marlboro bucks it took to get it. Parents smile upon a man that can save his Marlboro money.

6. Show respect. Take your Fubu cap and matching coat off when you enter the house. Make sure you wear your cap and coat in the summer too. If her parents ask why, tell them that you're ''keepin' it real.''

On the way to wherever:
1. Do NOT let her touch the radio or the air conditioner. You are the man, make sure she knows that.

2. If she makes up for lost time by putting on her lipstick in the car, gently tap the brakes at the same time the lipstick touches her mouth.

3. Check out the girl in the other car while at the stoplight.

4. If you pick the girl up from home at 6:45, have someone call you on the cell phone at 7:00 and talk to them till you get to your destination, this way you won't have to worry about what to say to her.

5. Drive ten miles BELOW the speed limit.

6. Develop a really bad Pee Wee Herman impression and talk to her through it.

When you arrive at your destination:
1. If you go to the movies, flirt with the girl at the ticket counter.

2. If you go to a restaurant, say you're really hungry. Let her order first. Since you'll be eating heavy, she'll probably order a big meal, too. When she finishes, order a small coke and a box of McDonaldland cookies.

3. If you get nervous, just pretend that she's one of your guy friends. At the end of the meal, say ''Boy, you ate everything but the table.'' Say it with confidence.

4. Be classy. If you eat at McDonald's, leave a tip.

On the way back to her house: Take your cell phone and call another girl. Ask her to do something with you in about an hour.


A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.

As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, &#65533;You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch.&#65533;

&#65533;But I'm not pregnant,&#65533; she says.

&#65533;Well, you're not out of the ditch yet,&#65533; he says.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.


YES, THAT ONE'S NICE.
Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway?

THAT ONE LOOKS GREAT ON YOU.
Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

I LIKE THAT ONE BETTER.
Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

UH-HUH.
Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

Zzzzz Zzz Zzz Zzzzz . . . . . . . .
Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

I DON'T THINK THAT BLOUSE AND THAT SKIRT GO WELL TOGETHER.
I'm gay

IT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT.
I'm really stupid!

What did the essex girl say whilst having sex?
So are you all on the same rugby team? laugh
Posted By: evo_number_one

Re: Crap joke thread - 30/03/2011 12:16

What a weekend!

I believed I'd broken my record for continuous sex - 1 hour and 2 minutes......... I then realised the ******* clocks had gone forward....
Posted By: Theresa

Re: Crap joke thread - 30/03/2011 12:49

laugh
Posted By: AndrewR

Re: Crap joke thread - 30/03/2011 17:36

A bloke has always wanted to be an actor, but can never seem to get a break. Then, one day, his agent phones - "I've got an audition for you. It's only one line, all you have to say is 'Hark! I hear the cannons', but it's the opening line of the play, so it could be a big break."

So the guy goes to the audition and finds himself standing alone on the stage, watched by the director and the casting director.

"Hark! I hear the cannons" he intones.

"Again!" barks the casting director.

"Hark! I hear the cannons"

The director's on his feet applauding, "You're brilliant. we haven't seen anybody who can deliver the line half as well as that. You've got the part!".

Naturally our hero is thrilled, but then he has a stroke of bad luck - his dear old mum has a bad turn and gets taken to hospital and, as a dutiful son, he feels he has to spend as much time as possible with her. So he phones the director and explains that he won't be able to make rehearsals and that, sorry though he is, they'll have to cast somebody else.

Well the director won't hear of it. He insists that nobody else can do the big opening line so well, so he tells our chap not to worry about the rehearsals and to just turn up to the dress rehearsal the day before the play opens.

So, our man spends the time with his mum, practising his line. "Hark! I hear the cannons" he'll quote, in his best RSC voice and his mum will applaud and tell him how brilliant he is and how he's going to be a great actor.

The day of the dress rehearsal comes and his mum's much worse. He feels he can't leave her while she's circling the plug-hole, so again he phones the director and asks to be released.

"No way" insists the director, "Nobody can say 'Hark! I hear the cannons' like you do. Just come along to the opening night and say 'Hark! I hear the cannons' the way you did at the audition and everything will be fine".

So, our guy spends another day with his mum, who just wants to hear his big line over and over.
"Hark! I hear the cannons!" he'll say and she'll respond, "Brilliant! Do it again" ... "Hark! I hear the cannons" and so on.

Unfortunately she passes away during the night and our would-be actor finds himself in a whirlwind of paper-work and so forth, so much so that he doesn't notice the time pass until he realises it's only 45 minutes until curtain up.

He jumps in his car and drives to the theatre like a mad man, all the way practising his big line, "Hark! I hear the cannons", "Hark! I hear the cannons", "Hark! I hear the cannons"

He screeches into a disabled bay outside the theatre and runs up to the stage door.

"Who are you?" asks the bouncer on the door.

"I'm 'Hark! I hear the cannons'!" pants the bloke.

"Bloody hell, mate, you're cutting it a bit fine. Get inside!"

So he runs in and finds the stage manager, who asks him, "Who are you?"

"I'm 'Hark! I hear the cannons'!"

"Jesus! It's curtain up in 10 minutes get to wardrobe now!"

So he runs up to wardrobe. "Who are you?" asks the wardrobe mistress.

"I'm 'Hark! I hear the cannons'!"

"Arg! Quick! Get this costume on!" And she throws him a Napoleonic uniform. He gets changed as fast as he can then gets told to run upstairs to make-up.

"Who are you?" asks the make-up girl.

"I'm 'Hark! I hear the cannons'!"

"What? You're on in 5 minutes! Get in the chair!". She dabs some make-up on his face and sends him running to the wings.

"Who are you?" asks the stage-hand there.

"I'm 'Hark! I hear the cannons'!"

"Bloody hell! Right, get centre-stage, the curtain's about to come up!"

So our man runs to the middle of the stage and the curtain lifts in front of him and a spot-light illuminates him. Through the glare he can see a packed auditorium and he knows that he's got a sell-out performance for his very first stage appearance.

Suddenly there's an almighty bang behind him and he yells, "What the f**k was that???"






Sorry, but it really tickled me. My coat's the one with the rotten tomatoes stuck to it.
Posted By: evo_number_one

Re: Crap joke thread - 30/03/2011 18:22

I just watched the Simpsons - what a load of far fetched cr@p.

I mean, who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a Nuclear Power Station.....

coat
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 30/03/2011 20:02

what do you call a dear with no eyes?

no idea

what do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs

still no idea


cheeseeee! lol
Posted By: Wishy

Re: Crap joke thread - 30/03/2011 20:25

What do you call a deer with no legs, no eyes and no genitals?

Click to reveal..
Still no f**king idea

coat
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 30/03/2011 21:16

Originally Posted By: Wishy
What do you call a deer with no legs, no eyes and no genitals?

Click to reveal..
Still no f**king idea

coat


lol. i choose to leave that one out tongue but bravo! hehe
Posted By: MattM

Re: Crap joke thread - 30/03/2011 21:32

Did anyone hear about the crash on the M6 today?

An arctic lorry carrying Vicks Vapo rub overturned and landed on another car..........


The police said "Don't worry, there won't be any congestion!"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 30/03/2011 22:28

An obese bird strugling to walk stopped me in the street this morning and said "will you see me across the road love?"

i said " across the road i could see you from space you fat ***t
Posted By: evo_number_one

Re: Crap joke thread - 31/03/2011 21:42

Overheard some female work colleagues talking about what constitutes a good film and they all agreed that how good a film is can be meaasured by the number of tissues they got through while watching it.

How bizarre - I use a similar system....
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 31/03/2011 22:09

A farmer sends his sheepdog into a field, and tells him to count up how many sheep there were.

The dog returns and tells the farmer 'there's 40 sheep in that field'.

That's odd, says the farmer, there should only be 37....

The sheepdog says ...
























'that's because I've rounded them up..!'
Posted By: evo_number_one

Re: Crap joke thread - 01/04/2011 14:16

Failed a job interview this morning.

Apparently a gangbang isn't proof that you can work as part of a team.....
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/06/2011 12:41

I got told by the doctor that I was infertile and I couldn't have children.

Three weeks after he told me that my girlfriend was pregnant.

Who's the Daddy? woohoo

Wait a minute....






A stranger approached me one day in the street. He had one ear on the top of his head and one ear on his chin.

He said to me, ''Look at me very very carefully, what do you see?''

''You're wearing contact lenses,'' I replied immediately.

''How did you know that?'' he asked, surprised.

I said, ''Because you can't wear glasses with ears like that.''
Posted By: roly

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/06/2011 19:23

I bought some Meatloaf boxer shorts the other day. On the front it says "I will do anything for love" and on the back "but I won't do that"...

My window cleaner knocked at the door this morning shouting and swearing. I thought: "He's lost his rag".
Posted By: MattM

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/06/2011 19:53

Why did the sperm cross the road?


Because I put the wrong socks on this morning
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/06/2011 20:48

Two tampons pass each other in the street, and what do they say to each other?

Nothing, theyre both stuck-up cu***
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/06/2011 19:17

I will leave the coat as that is the only thing that is acceptable...

coat
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/06/2011 19:36

Let's try that again.

What did the inflatable teacher say to the inflatable pupil at the inflatable school?










You let me down, you let yourself down and you let the whole school down!!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 28/06/2011 13:13

The party was going well at my house until someone smashed the ouija board.

That's when all hell broke loose.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 28/06/2011 14:43

Stolen from my mates facebook page (he puts on a few jokes every day)

------------------------------------------------------------
I woke up this morning with Gloria Gaynor at the end of my bed. At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

------------------------------------------------------------

Greece.


They got bills,


They’re multiplying,


And they’re losing control.

------------------------------------------------------------
BBC Newsflash: England Woman not expected to win the World Cup.

Oh well, back to the chopping board

------------------------------------------------------------
The girl a the RyanAir check-in desk said “Window or aisle”>

I replied, “Window or you’ll what”
Posted By: Roadking

Re: Crap joke thread - 28/06/2011 16:03

Do you want to know what's weird?

If you scream in a library, everyone just looks at you, but if you scream on a plane, everyone joins in!
Posted By: AndrewR

Re: Crap joke thread - 28/06/2011 16:20

A bloke in a Newcastle United strip, with a black & white cat under his arm goes into a bar one Saturday and, in a thick geordie accent, asks the barman, "Can we have the match on, mate?"

The barman sticks the telly on and the bloke and his cat sit and watch the whole 90 minutes, which ends in a 0-0 draw.

When the final whistle blows the cat raises itself up onto its 2 hind legs and starts dancing a victory jig on the bar, getting wilder and wilder, even throwing in a couple of back-flips.

"That's amazing," says the barman, "What does he do if they win?"

"I've got no idea," says the fellow, "I've only had him 3 years."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 28/06/2011 17:17

Thw wife was a bit frisky the other night and I was a bit tired so I reached over for a swig of my liquid viagra but missed and got a mouthful of tippex instead.

Nothing much happened at the time but later on I woke up with a huge correction.
Posted By: Roadking

Re: Crap joke thread - 28/06/2011 19:26

My wife's been missing for 4 weeks now. Last night the Police came round and advised me I may need to prepare myself for bad news.

I'm just off to Oxfam to see if I can get her clothes back.
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 28/06/2011 21:01

Why did the chicken kill itself?


To get to the other side...
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 28/06/2011 23:43

I couldnt find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes.
So i asked the kids if they'd seen it,.

Turns out she left days ago .
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 28/06/2011 23:50

Someone's just dumped a load of clay outside my front door.

I don't know what to make of it.
Posted By: AndrewR

Re: Crap joke thread - 29/06/2011 07:08

I haven't spoken to my wife for over a year.

Well, I don't like to interrupt.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 29/06/2011 07:18

A couple of months ago my wife decided to get fit by running five miles a day.... last I heard she had got to Cardiff
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 29/06/2011 09:45

Paddy was walking to the pub one day past a big house that had a lorry piled high with turf. Paddy thought: "That's what I want to do when I'm rich - send my grass away to be cut."

Posted By: AndrewR

Re: Crap joke thread - 29/06/2011 09:54

A priest, a vicar and a rabbi walk into a bar and the barman says, "Is this some sort of joke?"


A woman's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere one night and she manages to find her way to a farmhouse and asks for a bed for the night.
"Ok," says the farmer,"but you'll have to share a room with my three beautiful daughters."
"Daughters?" says the woman,"Sh*t, I'm in the wrong joke".
Posted By: mr_tickle

Re: Crap joke thread - 29/06/2011 13:55

Why don't gypsies use contraceptives?

because they have crystal balls and can see it coming.
Posted By: jame5

Re: Crap joke thread - 29/06/2011 22:12

How do you get a fat bird into bed?

Piece of cake.


What's the difference between a Ferrari and a dead prostitute?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 30/06/2011 12:12

me and a mate were caught stealing a calander from W.H smiths and when we went to court we got 6 months each .
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/07/2011 20:17

Paddy walks down the street with a bag of doughnuts. Mick comes the other way and says to Paddy, "Can I have a doughnut"? Paddy says, "If you can guess how many I have in the bag, you can have both".

Mick says, "THREE"!!!
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/12/2011 20:01

A guy came up to me and said, ''Can you help me please? I've dropped my Scrabble set all over the road!''

I said to him, ''Well what's the word on the street?''
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/12/2011 20:31

Originally Posted By: JKD
A guy came up to me and said, ''Can you help me please? I've dropped my Scrabble set all over the road!''

I said to him, ''Well what's the word on the street?''


B*llocks (16 points...)
Posted By: sugerbear

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/12/2011 20:51

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplough ?




Give her a shovel smile
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/12/2011 21:22

Originally Posted By: sugerbear
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplough ?




Give her a shovel smile


How do you turn a snowplough into a dishwasher?

Give her the shovel because it is too cold outside; much easier washing the dishes with a nice glass of wine wink
Posted By: evo_number_one

Re: Crap joke thread - 21/12/2011 20:27

I went to my firms Christmas party last night. Started off well.

They played "the twist" so I twisted. Later, they played "Jump" so I jumped.

Then they played "Come on Eileen"..... and Senior Management asked me to leave shortly after that!
Posted By: evo_number_one

Re: Crap joke thread - 21/12/2011 20:29

Just a friendly reminder about drink driving over the festive period.

I drove to the firms Christmas bash last night, but left my car at the venue and took a bus home.

I must say I'm very proud of myself this morning, as I'd never driven a bus before.....
Posted By: evo_number_one

Re: Crap joke thread - 21/12/2011 20:30

Have you heard of the new sex position? It's called 'The Parcel Force'.

You stay in all day and nobody comes.
Posted By: Roadking

Re: Crap joke thread - 21/12/2011 21:23

Europe Debt Crisis Explained - Simply

The Mayor of the Greek town visited an Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor, he wondered aloud how his host could afford such a house.

The Italian mayor said, "See that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, this house could be built".


The following year the Italian, now a deputy Prime Minister, visited the Greek mayor’s town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house. With gold taps, marble doorways and terrazzo floors, it was marvellous.

When he asked how this could be afforded, his Greek former counterpart said, "You see that bridge over there?"
The Italian replied, "No."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 23/12/2011 14:19

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?



Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe !
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 23/12/2011 14:25

How can you tell the optician is blind?

She keeps trying to make a spectacle of herself.
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/04/2012 22:01

What's the most painful part of a joke?

The punchline.
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/04/2012 22:05

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because he was a fungi.



Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

Because he had no body to go with.
Posted By: jimmylo

Re: Crap joke thread - 04/04/2012 13:30

Why did the fungi leave the party?

Because there wasn't mushroom.
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 07/04/2012 14:00

A woman goes to a tattooist to get a butterfly done on each of her bum cheeks.

The tattooist says to her, ''I don't do butterflies, but I can put bees on there.''

She says ok and gets the tattoos done.

She goes home and shows her husband.

''Who the hell is BoB?'' he asks.
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/05/2012 21:42

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam in London on the Hammersmith flyover.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP’s during a sitting of parliament,
and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to
douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks

The man replies,
Click to reveal..
"Roughly a gallon."
Posted By: AndrewR

Re: Crap joke thread - 09/05/2012 16:30

Saw this one elsewhere and it tickled me ...

The first day of basic training at a US Marine camp and the drill sergeant is inspecting his new 'troops'. He rounds on a particularly sorry looking specimen and barks at him, "What's your name, soldier".

"Pizza!" comes the reply.

"I did not ask you your favourite food", yells the sarge, "What's your NAME, solider".

"Pizza!"

"I do not want your nickname or any sh*t like that", screams the sergeant, "Give me your name or I swear I will beat the goddam crap out of you!"

"Pizza!"

Well the sergeant loses his rag and lays into the new recruit, giving him a hell of a beating and leaving him lying bloodied on the ground. He turns to the two men next to the beaten recruit.

"You two, get this POS to the medic!"

The two soldiers pick up their fallen comrade and one of them turn to the sergeant and asks,

"What shall we do with Pete's rifle, sah?"
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/08/2012 14:49

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he
could use his bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that
Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

That afternoon, Obama told Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he
said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't
have something so self-indulgent! (yeah right !)"

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary
smiled and said to Bill, "I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
Posted By: cjh

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/08/2012 14:50

Wife told me to stop impersonating butter -

But i cant help it...Im on a roll
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/08/2012 20:45

a guys walking past the psychiatric hospital and he hears the distant sound of voices chanting..... "13....13....13.....13.......

strange he thinks and strolls along, the chanting getting louder and louder............."13..........13.......

he keeps plodding along and eventually the shouting is deafening.............THIRTEEN.............THIRTEEN................THIRTEEN.......

he eventually finds a piece of fence with a hole in and thinks, im going see whats going on.
so he sheepishly looks through the hole when a finger pokes him straight in the eye..............

"14.........14.......
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/08/2012 21:54

A red-headed young lady in an open car is stopped by a herd of sheep on a country lane. Spying the shepherd, she makes him an offer: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"

The shepherd thinks about this and then decides, what the hell, and agrees. Quick as a flash the young lady says 'four hundred and twenty-three'.

The shepherd is surprised that this is the correct number, and the young lady picks one and loads it into the car.

As she prepares to go, the shepherd asks "If I can guess your original hair colour, can I have it back?"

She thinks that's only fair, and he says 'Blonde!"

"How did you guess?" she asks, as she helps him get his dog out of the car...
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/08/2012 21:55

BC rear springs
Posted By: GrahamL

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/08/2012 23:15

The Somali team have just been banned from the olympics.

They didn't realise that sailing and shooting were meant to be 2 separate events.
Posted By: AndrewR

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/09/2012 22:34

Stolen from elsewhere...

Q. How do you milk sheep?

A. Release a new iPhone
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/09/2012 22:36

Whats small amd purple?

A dead baby....

Too much?
Posted By: AndrewR

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/09/2012 22:41

Originally Posted By: R0cketR0n
Too much?


You seem to have missed the fundamental point of a joke, i.e. it should be funny, or at least amusing in some way.
Posted By: ali_hire

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/09/2012 22:57

Elvis, my pet mouse, has just died.

He was caught in a trap.
Posted By: jasgol

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/09/2012 02:40

I've just split up with my girlfriend.
She was a midget.
I was nuts over her.
Posted By: ali_hire

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/09/2012 07:48

There are loads of benefits to living in Switzerland; beautiful scenery, high standard of living...


...the flag is a big plus too.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/09/2012 12:02

Originally Posted By: AndrewR
Originally Posted By: R0cketR0n
Too much?


You seem to have missed the fundamental point of a joke, i.e. it should be funny, or at least amusing in some way.


or maybe he was trying to offer a crap joke. My limited understanding tells me that this should attempt to be at least slightly funny, but fail miserably.

It always strikes me as a little odd that crap-joke threads turn immediately into funny joke threads.
Posted By: AndrewR

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/09/2012 12:19

A young man is going on his first date, but doesn't know what to talk about with his female companion, so he asks his dad for advice.

"Well," says his dad, "You can take an interest in them, ask about her family and so on. Or you could talk about what music she likes. If all else fails then talk about philosophy."

So the young couple meet up at McDonald's and an awkward silence falls between them. Remembering his dad's advice the lad asks, "So, have you got any brothers or sisters?"

"No." comes the reply, and silence falls again.

"Do you like heavy metal music?" ventures the boy.

"No.", and silence follows.

Eventually the lad asks, "So, if you had a brother would he like heavy metal?"
Posted By: AndrewR

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/09/2012 12:27

The head of a physics department at a university is on the carpet in front of the dean.

"Why does it cost so much to run your department?" the Dean demands. "Why can't you be more like the maths department? All they ever ask for are pencils, papers and erasers. Better still, why can't you be like the philosophy department? All they ever ask for are pens and paper!"
Posted By: jimbob13

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/09/2012 12:52

What's the difference between a woman jogging and a singer sewing machine?

The sewing machine's only got one bobbin.
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/09/2012 13:00

The head account and the chief engineer happen to see a fellow failing to wash his hands in the gents.

"One of your engineers?" asks the accountant. "We've trained our accountants to wash their hands."

"Ah, yes, I believe it is. We've trained our engineers not to pee on their fingers..."
Posted By: X19_pilot

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/09/2012 21:06

The wife has told me to get her something silky for her birthday,

No doubt this emulsion will be the wrong coiour...
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/09/2012 22:39

My misses wanted to see Jeremy Kyle live for her birthday, So I got her two sisters pregnant - we're on next Tuesday . . .
Posted By: AndrewR

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/09/2012 22:41

It's my wife's birthday next week and I've got her a matching bag and belt.

Not cheap stuff either, genuine Hoover parts.
Posted By: Azzura

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/09/2012 23:12

I'm addicted to brake fluid ... I can stop anytime I want though.

I used to be addicted to power-steering hydraulic fluid. Now that I've stopped using, I do feel as if I'm heading in a better direction.
Posted By: ali_hire

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/09/2012 23:20

My mum's star sign was Cancer so it's really quite ironic how she died...



...attacked by a giant crab.
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 21/09/2012 06:27

My wife wanted a fur coat for her birthday... any animal. So I got her a donkey jacket.
Posted By: Big_Muzzie

Re: Crap joke thread - 24/09/2012 08:41

It makes me laugh when I see all these sheep queuing up for the new iPhone.

What kind of idiot dashes out to buy the same old tired product just because it's had a new number slapped onto it? And the suckers are still prepared to pay full price!

Anyway, I'm off to preorder my copy of FIFA 13.
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 24/09/2012 11:40

I'm allergic to people with colds.

They make me sneeze.
Posted By: Big_Muzzie

Re: Crap joke thread - 25/09/2012 20:43

How many times to 30 go into 15?

Lots of times if you're a C of E maths teacher!

box
Posted By: Big_Muzzie

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/09/2012 07:33

No wonder kids are cloud9 these days.

To pass their Maths exam they need to do French oral!
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/09/2012 08:35

And indeed, Sickopedia is full of 'em!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/09/2012 10:08

That's teaching. One day you're taking the register, the next you're appearing on one.
Posted By: Naf

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/09/2012 13:29

Man rolls over in bed and grins at his wife. She says "Not tonight darling I've got a gynaechologists appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean". The man rolls back feeling rejected...... 5 mins later he rolls back over and asks "Do you have a dentist appointment?" crazy
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/09/2012 21:42

And following on neatly from that:

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went backwards and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/09/2012 22:08

A wife says to her husband, "You never take me anywhere expensive anymore."

The husband says, "Get your coat."

The wife asks, "Why? Where are we going?"

The husband replies, "F***ing petrol station."
Posted By: jasgol

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/02/2013 18:14

A horse walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Sorry we
don't serve food."
Posted By: magooagain

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/02/2013 18:16

Chinese macdonalds are now seving quater panda's.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/02/2013 18:29



Giraffe walks into irish bar, orderes a drink and falls asleep on the floor.

A bloke walks in and spots the giraffe "what's that lying down there"? He asks the barman

"It's not a lion it's a giraffe".....replys the barman.
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 04/03/2013 23:06

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/03/2013 21:22

“Can I have a double Jack and coke please?” I slurred.

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough, sir?” He replied.

“What? Listen dickhead, I could out-drink anyone. ANYONE! Do you hear me? I’ve been drinking for three days and am going to continue drinking for the rest of the week. Nobody is going to tell me I’ve had enough. So, can I have a double Jack and coke please?”

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step out of your vehicle."
Posted By: AndrewR

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/03/2013 23:01

A man runs into the bar and says, "Quick! Give me a triple whisky!". He downs it in one and then informs the bartender, "Of course, I shouldn't really be having this with what I've got."

"Why?" asks the barman, "What have you got?"

"About 28p", says the bloke.
Posted By: ali_hire

Re: Crap joke thread - 07/03/2013 13:06

I hear Bonnie Tyler has been chosen to represent Great Britain at the Eurovision Song Contest.

I'm holding out for a zero.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/03/2013 20:23

I went to a zoo and there was only a dog. It was a shitzu.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 13/03/2013 17:21

Originally Posted By: Paul_V
I went to a zoo and there was only a dog. It was a shitzu.

That is the funniest joke I have ever heard biglaugh almost!
Skip to 30 seconds on the clip. There are a twenty following seconds of thee most funniest thing I ever heard (in my opinion)
CLIP
Posted By: evo_number_one

Re: Crap joke thread - 13/03/2013 18:18

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Doorbell Repair Man.

coat
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/03/2013 21:22

Just bought a dog off my local Blacksmith. As soon as I got it home he made a bolt for the door
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/03/2013 21:35

Originally Posted By: dlongstaff
Originally Posted By: Paul_V
I went to a zoo and there was only a dog. It was a shitzu.

That is the funniest joke I have ever heard biglaugh almost!
Skip to 30 seconds on the clip. There are a twenty following seconds of thee most funniest thing I ever heard (in my opinion)
CLIP


rofl

Brilliant! I only have a pet wookie..... wink
Posted By: sherlock

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/03/2013 21:47

I've just been offered a job earning £1000 a week working for the brittle bone society, I snapped his f@cking hand off!
Posted By: Edinburgh

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/03/2013 22:55

Originally Posted By: Paul_V
Just bought a dog off my local Blacksmith. As soon as I got it home he made a bolt for the door


rofl
Posted By: Nellybear

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2013 13:47

Ordered a Wookie steak last night at the local Jedi Steak House.

Mrs asked how it was..... being chewy laugh
Posted By: Alesi

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2013 19:35

Boris Johnson finally admits he'd like to be prime minister silly
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 24/03/2013 14:25

Cops have found a poem which reads: "I come from Bradford, I've got a big knife, I've killed three prossies, am going kill your wife".

Police believe they are dealing with the Yorkshire rapper!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 24/03/2013 21:48

Shakespeare walks into a bar..........

........Landlord - "I'm not serving you..........you're bard"

coat
Posted By: evo_number_one

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/03/2013 19:03

Paddy gets in his car after a busy day at work.

Its a very warm evening, so he switches on the aircon, turns it up full whack and through the centre dash vents.

He starts to drive home.

Suddenly, from nowhere, a tree appears in front of him!

Startled, he wrenches the wheel left to avoid it, but immediately there is another tree!

He swerves back to right but then there is another! Swerving back to the left and yet again another tree, and another back to the right!

With sweat pouring down his face, the "slalom" is continuous until he is aware of a siren and then a blue flashing of lights, and he pulls the car into the kerb.

Exhausted, he slumps over the wheel.

"Excuse me Sir" says the Officer, now at his window. "Your erratic driving would lead me to believe that you have been drinking"

"No no",says Paddy over the whir of the aircon "it was those damned trees in the road back there".

The office leans lower,looks through the window and declares

"You daft ****, thats your air-freshener swinging about"!

coat
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/03/2013 21:56

I will never forget my first dog. He had no back legs and steel balls.....I don't half miss old sparky!
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 28/03/2013 12:28

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'
Posted By: jasgol

Re: Crap joke thread - 04/04/2013 19:07

Handed in my notice at the helium
balloon factory. I was sick of my
boss.

No-one talks to me in that tone of voice.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 08/04/2013 15:20

Jimmy now Maggie, it's a good time for minors
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 08/04/2013 19:02

Burial or cremation? Surely the lady's not for burning...

Too soon?
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 08/04/2013 20:55

She's only been in hell for a day and has already shut down 3 furnaces.

R.I.P iron lady
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/04/2013 23:06

I never wanted to believe that my brother stole from his job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there.
Posted By: evo_number_one

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/04/2013 10:28

The Iron Lady.

Rust in peace.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/04/2013 15:45

I rang the local Chinese and asked if they did take-away. They said yes, so I said whats 9 minus 5
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/04/2013 15:48

During WW2 my grandad used to scribble a lot. He was hit by a doodlebug.
Posted By: evo_number_one

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/04/2013 22:32

Chap comes home from work. Walking into his front room, he is dumb-founded to see 4 armchairs and 2 sofas.

“What’s with the extra set of chairs love?” he calls to the Wife.

The Wife walks in from the hall and is as confused as he is. “Where have they come? I’ve only just got home myself. Tommy! Tommy, get down here now”, she called to her Son.

Tommy comes down and claims he knows nothing either – “They were here when I got home from school Mum”.

“No use to us – phone one of them charities who collect furniture tomorrow and see if they can come and take them away” the Husband said to the Wife.

The next night, he gets home and there are now 6 armchairs and 3 sofas!

“What the …..” he starts.

“I don’t know” says the Wife walking in. “Tommy said they were here when he got home from school again. The Charity shop said they will come next Monday, so they can take these extra ones as well”.

The next day, the husband finishes work early and gets home just after 3:30pm. He is relieved to see that there are no additional armchairs or sofas and is just about to walk out of the room, when up the path he sees Tommy and several of his mates, pushing and dragging 2 armchairs and a sofa to the front door.

Dad rushes to the door and screams “Tommy! So it has got something to do with you. Come on, where have you and your so called Mates been stealing these from?”

“Dad” pleads Tommy “We have not stolen anything – honest, you must believe me.”

“Why should I believe you? You have lied to me, and you have lied to your Mum about not knowing anything about these chairs - and now you want me to believe you have not stolen them! Come on then – where did you get them from?”

“Dad, this bloke with a big van in the car park up by the swings in the park gave them to us – honest, it’s the truth”.

The fathers face dropped. He put a hand on Tommy shoulder.

“Tommy, the lies were bad enough, but now this. You know, since you were a very small boy me and your Mum have always told you………

Never accept suites from a Stranger!”
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 30/04/2013 01:47

One mother Ms. Smith, calls another mother Ms. Jones, and tells her eight year old William Jones was caught caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary Smith,her eight-year-old daughter.

William's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her censored appendix out!"
Posted By: evo_number_one

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/05/2013 15:32

Ken Barlow, Stuart Hall, Kevin Webster, Rolf Harris, Freddie Star, Jim Davidson..........

Wow!!

This years prison panto is going to be the best ever!!
Posted By: evo_number_one

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/05/2013 15:37

A lady walked into a Police Station looking distressed.

The desk Sergeant asked "Can I help you Madam?"

"Yes, I'd like to report a case of sexual assault"

"When and where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park about 10 minutes ago" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath on the far side of the park when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my clothes, dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Can you describe hime to me?"

"He was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pad things that went from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Hmmm. Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was, and he was an Australian Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "I take it you've worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied.

"I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".......

coat
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/05/2013 22:13

The Pope was touring Ireland and a local priest asked him what he thought of County Down. He replied "It's not the same since Carol Vorderman left".
Posted By: Roadking

Re: Crap joke thread - 07/05/2013 07:51

Originally Posted By: Paul_V
The Pope was touring Ireland and a local priest asked him what he thought of County Down. He replied "It's not the same since Carol Vorderman left".


rofl
Posted By: Mark3009

Re: Crap joke thread - 09/05/2013 08:20

When I die, I really hope that it is in my sleep - just like Granddad.



........not screaming and shouting like the passengers in his car.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/05/2013 19:57

I was doing some cooking last night and I got some herbs in my eye. I am now parsley sighted.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 21/05/2013 21:46

After Joe Frazier died in 2011 the police are now treating his death as suspicious. They are grilling George Foreman!
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 07/06/2013 19:53

I told the wife that I kept getting a burning sensation in my arse and didn't know what it was.

She said "ring sting" I said "what makes you think he'll know"
Posted By: Roadking

Re: Crap joke thread - 13/06/2013 16:59

I just got a phone call from a representative from Google.

"We're campaigning to get people to sign an on-line petition supporting our company tax arrangements in light of the government's plans for an investigation."

"You can cloud9 right off," I told him. "It's the law abiding tax payer like me who suffers because of bastards like Google. You're getting no support from me!"

There was a pause before he added, "We know your browsing history."

"It's about time somebody stood up to the Government. I'm logging in as we speak."
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 13/06/2013 20:21

I joined a nudist colony last week.

First few days were the hardest.
Posted By: evo_number_one

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/06/2013 17:50

Its Caribbean hair day at work next Friday.

I'm dreading it.....
Posted By: jasgol

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/06/2013 20:33

Just got a job playing triangle in
a reggae band. It's pretty easy, I
just stand at the back and ting.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 15/06/2013 08:30

A book just fell on my head.

I have only my shelf to blame.
Posted By: ali_hire

Re: Crap joke thread - 15/06/2013 09:35

Originally Posted By: jasgol
Just got a job playing triangle in
a reggae band. It's pretty easy, I
just stand at the back and ting.


This really tickled me. hehe
Posted By: jimbob13

Re: Crap joke thread - 15/06/2013 19:29

A woman confides to her best friend "I've slept with a Brazilian,"
And her friend asks "Really?! How many is a brazilian ?"
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/06/2013 21:04

:URGENT ADVICE TO GINGER WOMEN:

Don't have a brazilian - it will look like a fish finger.
Posted By: Markiz

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/06/2013 17:52

Why can`t a bicycle stand on its own?

- Because its TWO-TIRED!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/06/2013 21:12

Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street one day when paddy spots a mirror, picks it up and looks at it. "Hey, I recognise him" says paddy.
Murphy grabs the mirror off paddy and takes a look. "it's me you daft git" replies Murphy.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 28/06/2013 21:26

There was bad news this week as I was forced to shut down my dating agency for lesbian chickens. I was struggling to make hens meet.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/07/2013 19:44

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5
people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."
"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five
persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you
all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak
to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."
Posted By: AndrewR

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/07/2013 20:37

My parents were really shocked at the weekend when I introduced them to my new black girlfriend.

They're so old-fashioned ... they think I should be faithful to my wife.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/07/2013 07:02

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work! laugh
Posted By: AndrewR

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/07/2013 07:21

From my daughter (aged 13)...

Why was Susie sad?
She had no arms.


Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Not Susie.
Posted By: one4seven

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/07/2013 12:12

Just joined a Jamaican covers band playing the triangle, I stand at the back and ting.
Posted By: jimboy

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/07/2013 12:17

Chap walks into a bar with a set of jump leads round his neck. Before he can order his drink the bar man takes one look at the chap & says.....don't you be starting anything in here now!
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/07/2013 19:51

I used to be in a band called 'missing cats'.

You probably saw our posters.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/07/2013 19:54

My mate said "I am starving, where can I get a pizza at this time of night"?

I said "ring Dom he knows"
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/07/2013 19:57

I had to tell my patient that I had dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery.

I will never forget the look on his elbow.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/07/2013 08:47

I watched a film last night where a guy gets a hot cup of tea thrown over him and gets third degree burns.

It was rated PG.
Posted By: jimboy

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/07/2013 09:09

Sandwich walks into a bar with his bread mates & asks the barman for three pints of lager & a couple of large white wines, sorry can't do that comes the reply from the barman. Why not? asks the sandwich...........We don't serve food in this bar says the barman.... drink
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 11:53

Originally Posted By: Paul_V
I had to tell my patient that I had dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery.

I will never forget the look on his elbow.


That's too good for a crap joke thread! hehe
Posted By: sugerbear

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 13:56

An IPv6 packet walks into a Bar.

No one talks to it.
Posted By: sugerbear

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 14:06

Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A. A fish.
Posted By: AndrewR

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 14:30

How many country and western singers does it take to change a light-bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to sing about how good the old one was.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:23

how do you get a fat girl into bed?

Piece of cake..
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:23

What smells of wee and goes in and out?

The hokeycokey at an old people's home.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:26

arranged a pessimists meeting today,

It wasn’t a great turn out, the room was half empty.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:26

I just burnt my fingers in boiling oil and screamed “OOH OOH AAH AAH" like a monkey.

It was a chip pan, see.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:27

Grab your taco, you’ve pulled a dyslexic Mexican.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:28

BREAKING NEWS: Explosion in French cheese shop.

There seems to be lots of De Brie.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:29

We’ve kicked this emu out of our club because he was too big.

He’s been ostrich sized.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:30

I just ordered 10,000 bottles of TippEx. I made a massive mistake.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:31

My friend lost a bet so now he has to let a Rastafarian cut his hair.
He’s dreading it.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:33

I bumped into an old mate today.

He said, “What you up to these days?"

I said, “I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, piss heads and down ‘n’ outs."

He said, “So you work in a charity drop in centre?"

I said, “No, I’m a chef in a Wetherspoons pub."
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:33

My girlfriend left me yesterday. She says I’m schizophrenic.

Stupid bitch wasn’t good enough for you anyway, Steve.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:36

I’m a big fan of “The Inbetweeners". I love the catchphrases.

Yesterday I was driving down the road when I saw some people at a bus stop. I pulled up next to them and shouted, “BUS cloud9!" I was pissing myself laughing.

Although things did get a bit awkward when they stepped on to pay for their tickets.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:37

Did you know that Sean Connery’s 80
Roger Moore’s 83
Pierce Brosnan’s 57
Daniel Craig’s 42….oh yeah!

To explain, I’m really into Bond age.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:41

My scouse mate was sending in a loan application today. He said, “I have a good credit history, I think I’ll walk it."

“But you’re from Liverpool," I said. “You’ll never walk a loan."
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:44

I used to feed gorillas at Chester Zoo from a distance using a golf club.

I’d drive them bananas.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:46

To the people who hate hand gestures: I salute you.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:47

Last Halloween I was mugged by a Ghostbuster, and ironically, I didn’t know who to call.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:48

Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.
“Okay," I said. “You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I’m never going give you Up."
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:49

I’ve started dating couches, but I’ve had no luck sofa.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:50

I feel so strongly about graffiti in toilet cubicles, I’ve signed a partition.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:51

My wife told me I had to give up drinking, so I joined the AA.

Unfortunately, I joined the Automobile Association by mistake.

At least either way I’m on the road to recovery.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:53

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

I’m easily lead.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:56

I went to a dyslexic rave last night. Everyone was taking F’s and there was a guy in the corner trying to inject a heron.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:56

Sometimes I love having my steak undercooked, but that’s rare.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:57

I just received a text, all it said was “AGNB".

I think it’s bang out of order.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:58

Call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 15:59

Dave Gahan from Depeche Mode came up to me the other day and gave me some Feta, some Cheddar and a bit of Dairylea and told me not to share them with anyone. “Why not?", I asked. “Because," said Dave “they’re your own personal cheeses".
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/07/2013 16:00

I’ve just been diagnosed with gammon flu. I did have swine flu, but they cured me.
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/07/2013 05:23

Sad news today form the 'Nestle' factory. A member of staff was severely injured today when a pallet of chocolate fell 50 feet and crushed him underneath. The unnamed member of staff did try to call attention to his plight, but everytime he shouted 'the milky bars are on me' the other members of staff just cheered.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/07/2013 10:49

I went to the doctors because a new pair of ears has grown behind my normal ears that can only hear complaints, apparently I've got double new moan ear!
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/07/2013 10:51

I was walking my dog today when i came across a bull stuck in an electric fence. I think it was charging!
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/07/2013 10:51

The doctor recently diagnosed me with 70`s fever. It flares up occasionally.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/07/2013 10:53

I think its pretty obvious Lance Armstrong has been taking lots of drugs for all these years. I mean, look how much his appearance has changed since the time he sang 'what a wonderful world'.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/07/2013 10:54

Me and the wife had a game of draughts earlier. She opened the window, I countered by leaving the back door ajar.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/07/2013 17:05

I’ve just been diagnosed with gammon flu. I did have swine flu, but they cured me.>>

Like it laugh
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/07/2013 16:32

I caught the sun today.

My hands are killing me!.......
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 15/07/2013 04:32

This new footwear is killing me.

Think I'm committing shoeicide...
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 15/07/2013 05:27

I went to the zoo yesterday, there was only one dog there. It was a shitzu
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 15/07/2013 10:59

Just got back from the hospital. They reckon I might have Pneumonoutramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiois, but at the moment its hard to say.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 15/07/2013 11:00

I just threw a frying pan for my dog, but he wouldn't fetch. Then I realised its non stick.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 15/07/2013 11:00

I think my pig is a drug addict.
It keeps snorting!
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 15/07/2013 11:01

My mate thinks he has the power to kill people with his watch.
What a seiko!
Posted By: charlie_croker

Re: Crap joke thread - 15/07/2013 18:56

WARNING if you get a message from me with a link asking to look at my tinned meat DON'T OPEN IT .. its SPAM!
Posted By: jasgol

Re: Crap joke thread - 25/07/2013 15:24

Wayne Rooney has asked for a transfer.
David Moyes has asked for it in writing.

So that's the end of that then.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 15/08/2013 18:03

My mum laughed at me when I told her I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. .

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 16/08/2013 08:01

My friend Samantha auditioned for Xfactor this year but her confidence was knocked when Gary Barlow said she sounded like a mobile phone. Samsung awful
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 16/08/2013 08:02

Some Egyptian fella just pulled up in an Escort, beeped his horn and bared his naked arse out of the window. Bloody toot and car moon.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 16/08/2013 08:08

I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blowjobs and smoking weed. She was known as oral high Jean.
Posted By: JLow75

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/08/2013 14:56

One Bird Can't but Tou-Can wink
Posted By: jasgol

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/08/2013 06:13

Just heard that Cadburys are bringing out an oriental chocolate bar, could be a Chinese Whisper.
Posted By: Jim_Clennell

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/08/2013 07:28

Originally Posted By: jasgol
Just heard that Cadburys are bringing out an oriental chocolate bar, could be a Chinese Whisper.


Other Edinburgh Fringe winning jokes are available...!
Posted By: Begbie

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/08/2013 08:05

Originally Posted By: Jim_Clennell
Originally Posted By: jasgol
Just heard that Cadburys are bringing out an oriental chocolate bar, could be a Chinese Whisper.


Other Edinburgh Fringe winning jokes are available...!
Indeed they are:

I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.
I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same.
My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'.
I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.
The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men.
You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost.
The universe implodes. No matter.
I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance.
The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately.
Posted By: MCMike

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/08/2013 08:09

laugh

keep them coming !
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/08/2013 11:15

What do you call a detective inspector that's thirsty?

D.I draytion
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/08/2013 11:16

I've designed a plane made entirely from rubber, so that when it crashes, it bounces.

It's a Boing 747.
Posted By: JLow75

Re: Crap joke thread - 23/08/2013 07:29

Somebody threw a Piano down a Pit-shaft - they found A Flat Minor wink
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 23/08/2013 11:24

I was attacked by some little ginger boy doing martial arts.
It turned out to be the carroty kid!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 23/08/2013 11:25

Hahahaha, that made me chuckle!
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 23/08/2013 11:26

Its just been confirmed that Manchester United striker Danny Welbecks grandad was a bomb disposal expert in 2nd world war. Stan Welbeck
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 23/08/2013 11:28

The landlord at my local pub said that R Kelly was going to be performing there at the weekend. Turns out it was his daughter.
Posted By: AndrewR

Re: Crap joke thread - 23/08/2013 11:37

What's black and doesn't work?

Ben Affleck as Batman.
Posted By: ali_hire

Re: Crap joke thread - 23/08/2013 12:01

Originally Posted By: AndrewR
What's black and doesn't work?


[sharp intake of breath] Andrew wouldn't go there, surely?!

Originally Posted By: AndrewR
Ben Affleck as Batman.


Ah, he got me.

:he he:
Posted By: JLow75

Re: Crap joke thread - 24/08/2013 10:07

Did you hear about the paper bag who inherited a rare condition? - his Mum was a carrier wink
Posted By: Begbie

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/09/2013 07:02

Here is a bunch more for the thread:

The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web..

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown..

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says how do you know? He says, well "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5 p's and 10 p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours - believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern...

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What you talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail you thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/09/2013 09:29

I entered an erection contest yesterday, but only got as far as the semis.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 04/09/2013 11:07

A plane full of Japanese car parts has exploded in mid-air today.

A local weatherman said it was raining Datsun cogs.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 04/09/2013 11:07

My girlfriend has been depressed, recently she has started to stick wheat and corn all over one side of her body and little pigs and sheep on the other.

I think she is self farming.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 04/09/2013 11:13

I've just found out who was nicking my beetroot. I caught him red handed.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/10/2013 18:03

I never wanted to believe that my dad stole from his job as a Road Worker, but when i got home, all the signs were there laugh
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/10/2013 18:19

An acquaintance claims to have five penises.
His underpants fit like a glove.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/11/2013 15:50


I think it should be compulsory for women to wear makeup when driving.


Just so they'll look in the mirror occasionally.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/11/2013 15:57

For the most part Reginald Kray was a model citizen but some things would make him mad.

Like military displays.

They drove Reggie mental
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/11/2013 15:58


A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath.

I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/11/2013 15:59

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/11/2013 16:01


I phoned my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough."

He said, "You have a wee cough?"

I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/11/2013 18:04

Exxxxxcellenttt …… Exxxxxxcellenttt ……… Eggggggsaladddd
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/11/2013 18:19

A duck walks into a bar, says "have you got any bread?"
The barman says "of course not, this is a pub, now sod off out of here."
The duck says "got any bread?"
The barman says "sod off, I've told you it's a pub."
.
.
.
After repeating this for half an hour, the barman says "if you don't sod off, I'll nail your beak to the bar!"
The duck thinks about this for a moment, then: "got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any bread?"
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 13/11/2013 13:11

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:

'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says:

'What the cloud9 do you want?'

'Ah ha!' he says

"Ryanair".
Posted By: ali_hire

Re: Crap joke thread - 13/11/2013 13:18

Originally Posted By: barnacle
A duck walks into a bar, says "have you got any bread?"
The barman says "of course not, this is a pub, now sod off out of here."
The duck says "got any bread?"
The barman says "sod off, I've told you it's a pub."
.
.
.
After repeating this for half an hour, the barman says "if you don't sod off, I'll nail your beak to the bar!"
The duck thinks about this for a moment, then: "got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any bread?"


Always loved this joke.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/11/2013 09:14

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter
Posted By: Emjay

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/11/2013 09:44

I've wasted the last few evenings rubbing myself up against a combine harvester.

The "experts" at Relate said if I wanted to keep my wife interested I needed to do something sexy to a tractor.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/11/2013 11:19


In 1972, Richard Nixon became the first ever US president to visit China. He was invited to Peking to mend a governmental rift, as Mao Tse Tung was fed up of using the stairs
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/11/2013 11:21


Apparently Russell Brand has a book out called 'My Booky Wooky'.

Personally, I hope he opens a bank.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/11/2013 11:24


I was practising on my swing at the driving range today when the manager came out shouting "Take your childrens playground and sod off".
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/11/2013 11:26

I told my friend not to dig beneath me to find gold but he went ahead and undermined me.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/11/2013 11:30


I was walking to my car in the Red Light District earlier today. A woman was lent against my car.
"Hand-job?" she asked.
"No," I replied, "it's fully automatic."
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/11/2013 11:36


I looked out into my garden to see a load of small black birds that were all speaking Russian.

I think it was a flock of Stalin's.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/11/2013 11:37


An Australian marsupial hops into a bar and the barman says, "Wallaby?"

The marsupial says, "I'll have a pint, please."
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/11/2013 12:24


I was playing for my local pub team last Sunday, when the ref started handing out cards left, right and centre.

Silly sod...Christmas isn't for another month yet.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/11/2013 12:27


I phoned up the newspaper to ask how much it was to advertise.

"It's £2 per inch, mate" he told me

"Bugger! I've got a 40 foot ladder to sell"
Posted By: Roadking

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/11/2013 06:47


In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer is sent to a jungle outpost in Africa to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the traditional courtesies (cucumber sandwiches washed down by gin and tonic), the retiring colonel says: ''You must meet my right-hand man, Captain Dithers. His talent is simply boundless.''

Dithers is summoned and the new CO is soon stunned to be introduced to a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pock-marked specimen of humanity - no more than 90 centimetres tall - with wildly crossed eyes and ears that droop to his shoulders.

''Dithers, old man,'' the old colonel says, ''tell your new CO about yourself.''

''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a silver medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of …''

''Yes, yes, yes, never mind all that Dithers,'' the colonel interrupts impatiently. ''The CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get stuffed.''
Posted By: bockers

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/11/2013 13:52

What's a specimen ?
It's an Italian astronaut.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/12/2013 14:43

After 17 job interviews, and still no job,

I'm beginning to think wearing my lucky track suit isn't so lucky.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/12/2013 15:04

My mate has just moved in with his girlfriend and her massive magazine collection. When she refused to part with them he left her.
She had too many issues.
Posted By: AndrewR

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/12/2013 15:05

Did you hear about the guy doing the sign-language at Mandela's funeral?

I think it's a disgrace that they found the only person in the world who doesn't know the hand-signal for "Bono".
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/12/2013 15:07

I went to a Chinese restaurant and ordered a meal. Ten minutes later this duck waddles up to me,gives me a single red rose and says, "Your lips are like rubies and your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I called the waiter over and said "Excuse me. I ordered aromatic duck".
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/12/2013 15:12

I entered a contest last week for the most prominent veins. I didn't win, but I came varicose.
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 08/01/2014 23:50

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Michigan.

She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.. The temperature is 32 below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Wind chill is -59. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 09/01/2014 12:51

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."
Posted By: Roadking

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/01/2014 09:19

David Cameron walks into Barclays Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Miss, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier:"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Cameron :"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am David Cameron , the Prime Minister.
Cashier:"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Bank of England legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Cameron : Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Cameron , but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Cameron :" Please. I am urging you, please, cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look Mr. Cameron , here is an example of what we can do.
One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque.
So, Mr. Cameeron , what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you ?
Cameron stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small Notes, Mr. Cameron ?
Posted By: H_R

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/01/2014 09:32

Why did the Bakers hands smell......

Because he kneaded a poo!
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/01/2014 21:23

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'

The man replied, ' New Brunswick'.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in ' New Brunswick'.

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney'. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/01/2014 22:01

I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/01/2014 22:14

All these reports of the high winds slowing down everyone's travel are surely an exaggeration.
I've just seen a bloke on a pushbike doing 60mph
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/01/2014 22:16

We never hear anything from Rick Astley these days.

It's almost like he's given us up, and let us down.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/01/2014 22:19

A policeman knocked on my door last night.

He looked at me with a tear in his eye and said, "I've got some bad news."

"You poor soul," I said, "Come in and I'll make you a cup of tea."
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/01/2014 22:23

The Bank of England is to introduce plastic banknotes that can survive a spin in a washing machine by 2016.

Surely that will just encourage money laundering ?
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/01/2014 22:58

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/01/2014 15:43

Marksmanship - The ability to shoot accurately in any situation.

And also the name of my gay mate's new boat.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/01/2014 15:48

My missus was so clever at school.

She got more A's than a Scouser trying to break up a fight.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 21/01/2014 21:38

I poured broth all over my car yesterday.

It is now souped up.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 21/01/2014 21:40

Cops have reported that Tony Tiger and the Honey Monster have been murdered. A police spokesman said it could be the work of a cereal killer.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 21/01/2014 21:42

I've been hearing the voice of the Devil emanating from the drain in my kitchen.

I wish I'd never moved to Helsinki.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 21/01/2014 21:47

Through the mist, I could just make out Jay-Z's other brother Hay-Z.
Posted By: Countrycruising

Re: Crap joke thread - 22/01/2014 14:31

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most. "He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"
He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head".

laugh
Posted By: H_R

Re: Crap joke thread - 22/01/2014 17:48

FIRST TIME SEX
............
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a
dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time..
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to
the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to
buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack..
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy,
it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and
whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist..'
Posted By: mikndo69

Re: Crap joke thread - 22/01/2014 19:26

Fan Bloody Tastic
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/02/2014 16:29

It's really difficult to find what you want on eBay.
I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/02/2014 16:32

I got done for shoplifting in ASDA today.
I paid for six cans of Sprite at the self checkout, but when security checked my bag he discovered I'd picked seven up.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/02/2014 16:35

I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy. This pan he sold me doesn't fly at all.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/02/2014 16:43

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.

She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's stupid. I've had enough and I'm leaving you."

I said, "But, Baby, I can change."

She said, "There you go again!"
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/02/2014 16:51

I was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff.
As the rescue team approached one of the guys shouted "Whatever you do, don't look down".

So I started smiling.
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/02/2014 20:07

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a blonde joke?''

The person replies, ''I am 240 pounds, a world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, a world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, a world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?''

The man thinks for a while replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three times.''
Posted By: Roadking

Re: Crap joke thread - 09/02/2014 19:04

A teacher asked her junior class to names things ending in "tor" that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator".
...
"Very good James, that's a big word", said the teacher.

The second little boy said, "Predator".

"Yes, that's another big word", said the teacher.

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator".

After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That's a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything".

Johnny says, "Well my sister has one and she says it eats f***king batteries like there is no tomorrow".
Posted By: jasgol

Re: Crap joke thread - 13/02/2014 17:47

I feared my wife had Tourette's, so
I took her to see a psychiatrist.

The good news? She's not got it.

The bad news? I am a cloud9 and she
does want me to cloud9 off.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/02/2014 13:11

I asked the wife what she wants for Valentines Day. She said, "I'll give you a clue. Ex-England goalie."

She thinks she's getting Flowers but instead she's getting Seaman.
Posted By: chrissy

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/02/2014 11:22

What's red and sits in a tree? A sanitary owl....

My favourite joke on earth - Why did the skeleton burp? because he didn't have the guts to fart!...
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/02/2014 17:06

My mate who was a farmer had a hair brained scheme to breed genetically modified sheep that were twice the size of normal ones. To do so he had to re-mortgage his house to finance it but things didn’t go to plan.
Although the sheep were larger they weren’t as big as he’d hoped and he couldn’t afford the repayments on his loan. Suffice to say the bank repossessed his house and land, leaving him with just his sheep, nowhere to live and penniless.

The last time I saw him he was standing on a street corner selling biggish ewes.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/02/2014 17:09

I fell asleep in the chair at the barbers and woke up with a really shit early 90s hairstyle.

I think I’ve been spiked.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/02/2014 17:11

I walked out of a club with a girl last night.

She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my cock and said, “Yours or mine?”

I said, “That’s mine.”
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/03/2014 20:07

I was in a pub on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said "Give me your number sexy."

I replied "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes"

I replied

"Well you better get back in it, before the farmer notices you're missing."
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/03/2014 21:34

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/03/2014 21:43

God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."
"What are you going to do now?" asks the angel.
"Call it a day," says God.
Posted By: workshy

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/03/2014 21:44

Originally Posted By: Paul_V
A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".



I see you changed the name to 'Bob' so as not to prejudice any current trials!
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/03/2014 21:45

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks straight from the bottle.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/03/2014 21:53

I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.

Next morning, she rang and said, "what are you doing with your life?"
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/03/2014 22:03

Someone has chopped all the heads off of my daffodils...

I think it was a stalker.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/03/2014 22:26

Renewed my driver’s license today and was asked if I wanted to be an organ donor. I declined but did offer to give them my old harmonica.

Posted By: evo_number_one

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/03/2014 15:02

Extract from tony bliars book.

I had regularly started jogging out of Downing Street. On each run I happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension I would brace myself as I approached her for what was most certainly to follow "£50 quid!" she would shout from the kerb. "50p!" I fired back. This ritual between myself and the hooker continued daily.

One day however Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany me on my jog. As we jogged nearer the problematic street corner, I realised the "pro" would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what I'd really been doing on all my past outings. I realised I’d need to have a damn good explanation for my illustrious lawyer wife. As we jogged into the turn that would take us past the corner, I became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. I tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair of us jog past.

Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled,

"See you tight git, thats what you get for 50p?"
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/03/2014 15:08

That joke is so old its whiskers have all grown up, got married, and had children laugh
Posted By: Roadking

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/03/2014 09:40

A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"

"He turned blue, and shit on the carpet."
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/03/2014 16:33

The strangest thing that happened to me when I worked at the United Nations was the time I got asked to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.

I picked up the phone. "Kofi," I said, "right now the only one I can think of is 'oceanic'"
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/03/2014 16:40

My mate just sent me a link about a butler thats gone missing.

Nothing happened though, it kept saying "Server Not Found."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/03/2014 18:32

Don't forget Comic Relief this year. Just £5 could help a disabled African learn to tell the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend...
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/03/2014 18:00

Interviewer: "Give me three words that best describe you."

Job Candidate: "Violent when disappointed."
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2014 13:24

Tom and Dick are comparing notes on their summer holiday.

"I was staying in a hotel in Poole," says Tom.

"In Dorset?" asks Dick.

"Certainly," says Tom. "I'd recommend it to anyone."
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2014 13:26

I read in the paper that there are up to 100,000 battered women in the UK each year.

And all this time I've been eating them raw.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2014 13:28

I got stopped by a copper while I was going along the M6. I stopped, opened the window and he said "This is a spot check," so I replied "I've got 2 blackheads and a boil on my arse"
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2014 13:33

I'm a plasterer and I'd just finished a job up North when the bloke rang me back again and said, "mate, your plaster's f**king crackin'!"

I replied, "cheers! Recommend me to all your friends."
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2014 13:36

When I was at the garden centre today I asked for something herby. .

They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/03/2014 15:28

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:
"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In Israel they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/03/2014 16:54

The stunning blonde, dressed in nothing more than a thong and negligee, let the plumber in.

"Hello, is your husband not in?" he asked,

"Does it look like he is in?" she replied, opening her negligee. "Will I not do?"

"No, not really," he said. "I need your car reversing out of the drive."
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/03/2014 16:56

"How's the diet going?" I asked my buddy.

"Not good." he sighed, "I had eggs for breakfast this morning."

"Oh dear." I sympathized, "Fried?"

"Cadbury's."
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/03/2014 16:57

I bought a trampoline but there's absolutely no bounciness to it.

Plus the legs are on the wrong way round.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/03/2014 17:01

As I put steak, home-made chips and some coleslaw down on the table in front of my wife last night, she looked at me with a big smile.

"Paul, are you feeling okay?" she giggled. "I've got to text the girls and tell them about this!"

"Hurry up then," I said. "You're sitting in my seat."

Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/03/2014 17:07

I answered the phone today and all I heard was sneezing.

Bloody cold callers.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/03/2014 17:17

A guy at work jumped off the top of our building today.

It took some skill to land within the chalk lines.
Posted By: bockers

Re: Crap joke thread - 28/03/2014 14:06

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?


I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 28/03/2014 16:25

click to enlarge
Posted By: Theresa

Re: Crap joke thread - 29/03/2014 00:41

Originally Posted By: Muzzynumber2
click to enlarge


rolleyes















Only joking laugh I'm not blonde, so rofl
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 29/03/2014 07:59

Originally Posted By: Theresa
Originally Posted By: Muzzynumber2
click to enlarge


rolleyes















Only joking laugh I'm not blonde, so rofl


And your little sports car isn't red. tongue
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/04/2014 06:54

What did the saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
"If we don't get some support people are going to think we're nuts".
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/04/2014 21:59

My dyslexic mate got all angry when he'd tried texting me a crap joke and I replied with, "Bdum Tish."

He said, "Don't call me a dumb shit!"
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/04/2014 22:00

I've just got a job testing hover boards.

Money's crap, but it keeps me off the streets.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/04/2014 22:05

Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory. The manager asks, "Have you worked with chemicals before?"
Paddy replies, "Yes."
The manager then asks, "Can you tell me what nitrate is?"
Paddy replies, "Yes, it's time and a half."
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/04/2014 22:16

I needed to pee very badly earlier, so I went in an alleyway, the police were nearby, so I quickly urinated in a can.

I was arrested for possession of cannapiss.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/04/2014 22:25

Where Fred Astaire danced down the steps, his son Stan just slowly carried an old woman up them.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/04/2014 22:36

Yesterday, a Lumberjack slipped and cut into his leg with a chainsaw.

He lost a lot of blood, but although they managed to stem the flow, paramedics say he is still not out of the woods yet.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/04/2014 22:54

I was arrested yesterday on suspicion of murdering my orchestra conductor.
Apparently because I had bought a Stradivarius in 2002, an Amati in 1998 and a Guarneri in 1990,
the police said I had a history of violins.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/04/2014 22:56

I was sat on the train, and a ginger bloke near me received a text.

I thought, "It must be from Orange."
Posted By: jasgol

Re: Crap joke thread - 16/04/2014 08:44

I'm a bit down at the moment.
I've just split with my girlfriend.
She was a midget…I was nuts over her.
Posted By: AndrewR

Re: Crap joke thread - 16/04/2014 08:56

Two mice who live in a theatre are watching the ballet one night.

"Haven't those ballerinas got lovely legs?" says one.

"I'm a titmouse myself" replies the other.
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/04/2014 21:51

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger? In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days but before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde who enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents,but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen Very Carefully. FOR...THE...LAST...TIME"

"BRING POSSE!"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/04/2014 07:15

why did the one handed man cross the road ?



to get to the second hand shop.
Posted By: jasgol

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/04/2014 08:14

My racing snail was not winning races any more, so I decided to remove his shell to make him more aerodynamic.
It didn't work. If anything it made him more sluggish.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 28/04/2014 16:24

Snow White gets followed home by the 7 dwarfs and she goes into her bedroom and shuts the door. The dwarfs arent stupid and realise if they stand on one anothers shoulders, the top one can look through the glass panel above the door.So Dopey is on top and passes messages down to the others, taking it in turn to relate the message to the one below them
"taking her blouse off"...." taking her blouse off "..."taking her blouse off "
"taking her skirt off " "taking her skirt off " and so on
Then Dopey turns round and sees someone approaching,..
" oh shit, someones coming "
" and me "
" and me "
" and me "
" and me "
" and me "
" and me "
Posted By: perthling

Re: Crap joke thread - 01/05/2014 05:39

Did you hear about two peanuts who walked down a dark alley?

One was assaulted.
Posted By: perthling

Re: Crap joke thread - 01/05/2014 05:40

(My second favourite joke...)

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 01/05/2014 06:24

And from South-West USA: what's green and sticky?

Palo Verde.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/05/2014 09:56

Ten years in the same job and not once have I been in the boss's office.
That's what got me fired as a cleaner.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/05/2014 09:57

I've got an injured extraterrestrial in my shed. He's missing an eye.

I've called him Alen.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/05/2014 10:16

I knocked on David Banners' door earlier and told him all about global warming.

He got very angry and said he was turning green immediately.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/05/2014 10:18

I had a job at a Cadbury's factory putting fudge bars in to boxes. I had to quit though because every time someone would walk past they would say,

"Oh packing fudge are we?"

Or

"Hey up, he's packing fudge again."

Since then I've applied for a job in a clothing factory lifting boxes of shirts.

I'm hoping the name calling will stop now.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/05/2014 10:21

A man in our local village has been going around threatening people with a lit match.

Police are keen to catch him before he strikes again.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/05/2014 10:27

I get the feeling a lot of people see me as a bit of a c*** these days,

I just can't seem to put my finger on it.




Sent from my i-Phone


Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/05/2014 10:30

I'm planning a camping holiday but, I have to say, I'm far from impressed with my travel insurance. It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night, I'll no longer be covered.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/05/2014 10:32

I'm in dispute with Sky at the minute as they're trying to charge me for my satellite dish.

I'm sure they told me it would be on the house.
Posted By: ali_hire

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/05/2014 16:26

Brian receives a text message from his neighbour, Dev.

"I'm sorry Brian, I have a confession to make, I've been tapping your wife for the last 6 months. I feel bad but I'm just been getting any at home. I promise I'll stop from now on."

Without hesitation Brian grabs his gun from the wardrobe, goes downstairs and shoots his wife in the head, killing her instantly."

A second text from Dev arrives.

"Damned autocorrect. I meant wifi!"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/05/2014 19:48

I had mine installed three years ago and was shocked to open the door to two bailiffs yesterday. They demanded money for it. I'm sure the salesman told me at the time that in two years it would pay for itself.
Posted By: ali_hire

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/05/2014 19:53

Stolen from a letter to Viz.

"If Max Clifford is so good at PR, why does everyone think he's such a cloud9?"
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/06/2014 14:25

On a recent trip to the United States , Tony Blair, Ex. Labour Prime Minister of the UK and now U.N. Middle East Peace Envoy, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.

He spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing about a lasting peace settlement amongst the warring nations of the Middle East, likening it to the way that the U.S. Government found a suitable agreement with the North American tribes.

At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.
Posted By: perthling

Re: Crap joke thread - 25/06/2014 04:24

I bought a new Tait's GPS and was using it for the first time when I found I was miles off course.

Then I realised that he who has a Tait's is lost.
Posted By: bezzer

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/06/2014 12:30

I've just downloaded Luis Suarez's greatest football moments.



It was only 3 mega bytes.
Posted By: DaveG

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/06/2014 13:39

Not 3 killer bytes then?
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/06/2014 17:47

Today I put all my christmas decorations up myself... Now I've got to go to the hospital to have them removed.
Posted By: evo_number_one

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/08/2014 19:32

Oscar Pistorius has sacked his legal team and hired Celtic's, as he has heard you can lose both legs and still win.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/08/2014 19:41

whats green and turns red at a flick of a switch..... frog in a blender smile
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/08/2014 13:32

Whilst helping me saw a tree down, my mate Ron slipped and cut through his arm.
Seeing that he was losing blood fast I had to think on my feet, so I did what I thought was the sensible thing.

Turns out it doesn't do what it says on the tin.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/08/2014 13:34

Somewhere, sitting in his living room, a man named Colin [cloud9] tearfully realises that his name is an anagram of Neil Warnock.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/08/2014 13:35

It was reported last night that Beyonce is in fact the love child of the late and great record breakers presenter, Roy Castle.

A spokesperson from Beyonce's record company has said that she is pleased by the recent discovery, but will not be taking her newly discovered father's surname.
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/08/2014 14:24

Bert and Mabel were having breakfast one morning when Bert says "Mabel, regarding our 50th Wedding Anniversary later this year, I've been saving up to buy you a special present - but I'm a bit stumped to know what you would best like. Can you think about it and let me know?" "Within reason, money's no object"

A few days later Mabel gets back to Bert and says "Bert, what I'd really like is a 'tidy-up' plastic surgery job on my undercarriage. After four kids plus fifty years of your servicing it's got rather slack and I'd like it returned to how it used to be". "Mabel" says Bert, "that's an excellent idea - let's do it".

So it was all arranged for a private plastic surgery hospital to do the work and the day of the operation came.

After the op Mabel was wheeled back into her private room and saw three big bunches of flowers plus cards.

"They're lovely" she said to the nurse - "who are they from?"

The nurse read the first card - "It's from your husband Bert with all his love and wishing you a speedy recovery."

"The second is from your children saying likewise."

"The third is from Nikki Lauder thanking you for his new ears."
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/08/2014 22:41

Bought some aftershave with a credit card last week. Now there's lots of dodgy transactions on my account

I think my card's been cologned
Posted By: Roadking

Re: Crap joke thread - 15/08/2014 15:32

Police have removed a large amount of material from a house belonging to Cliff Richard. Lets hope it's only child porn and not a new album!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 16/08/2014 10:51

3 men were talking in a bar, gloating about their various successes with women. The first man said:

"I've got 10 wives, one more and I'll have a football team!"

"That's nothing" said the second man "I've got 14 wives, I'll have a rugby team if I get another!"

After a moment's silence the third man puts down his drink and says:
"Well lads, I've got 17 wives, one more and I'll have a golf course."
Posted By: H_R

Re: Crap joke thread - 25/08/2014 23:36

Johnny and his mate were invited to a fancy dress party but it had a theme!
You have to come as an emotion!

Johnny and his mate turn up and knock on the door
The host answers the door and sees them.....

Johnny and his mate are totally naked except johnny is standing there with his knob inside a pear and his mate has his knob in a bowl of custard

What are you two weirdos doing

Well it's fancy dress and we came as an emotion so
I have "cum" in "dis-pear" and my mate is fu@king "dis-custurd"!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/08/2014 08:53

I do have to remind myself at regular intervals that this is a crap joke thread.

Fair play!
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/08/2014 10:28

Another mate arrived with his penis stuck in a spud... as a dictator.
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/08/2014 12:16

I asked my secretary if she had a dictaphone, but no, I had to use my finger like everybody else.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/08/2014 13:06

I’ve just picked up an injury doing an impression of a tea bag.
I knew I shouldn’t have strained myself.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/08/2014 13:11

Arnold Schwarzenegger didn’t get any Easter eggs this year. His wife asked him “Does this mean you hate Easter now, Arnie?”
He replied “Ah still love Easter baby”.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/08/2014 13:14

I was caught stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/08/2014 13:18

My friend is in love with two schoolbags. I think he might be bisatchel.
Posted By: H_R

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/08/2014 16:03

I thought it was a violent murder when i saw the Headline....

"Young lad tossed of Cliff!"

Just goes to show you never know what dangers are lurking in the shadows
Posted By: bezzer

Re: Crap joke thread - 16/01/2015 13:09

I reckon I heard this 'joke' 35 years ago when I was at school......

Speech therapist

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting no where with her
"Stammerers Action Group".
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said,

"If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of the town where you were born I will have wild and passionate sex with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."

"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

"That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish."

"How about you, Paddy?"

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
" London ."

"Brilliant, Paddy!" said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said.....

"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 16/01/2015 13:23

Another old one:


A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+Tourist: $5.00

+Boiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $15.00

+Baked Politician $100.00


The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh1t it takes all morning."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/01/2015 18:30

Why did the scarecrow attend the Nobel awards?






Because he was out standing in his field.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/01/2015 13:12

I went to the book store earlier to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere.
Well played Wally, well played.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/01/2015 13:13

A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Lock your dog and your wife/girlfriend in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/01/2015 13:14

I've just had 40 winks on the train...
I knew I shouldn't have worn this pink t-shirt.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/01/2015 13:15

I was driving on the motorway last week when I noticed a sign that said "Turn off - 500 metres".
Sure enough, 500 metres later, on the side of the road was my Granny with no knickers, lifting up her dress.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/01/2015 13:16

First woman on the Moon:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/01/2015 13:17

I went to the pet shop to buy some breeding birds.
The cashier said, "Have you got a store card?"
I said, "No, but I did get a budgie excited once."
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/01/2015 13:17

I've just started dating a girl called Peg
I met her online
Posted By: evo_number_one

Re: Crap joke thread - 23/01/2015 15:45

I could tell you the one about the woman who was given solid oak breast implants.

But to be funny such a joke would have to have a punch line -wooden tit?
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 25/01/2015 16:26

A man walks into a bank wanting to open an account.

He says to the cashier, 'Oi bastard, I want to open an account.'

The cashier replies, 'Very well sir, but please, stop swearing.'

The man says, 'Listen you bastard, just open the account for me!'

The cashier says, 'Sir, I am more than happy to help you, but if you could just please kindly stop swearing!'

The manager overhears the commotion and walks over. 'Is everything ok here?' he asks.

'I want to open an account but this bastard isn't helping me!' exclaims the man.

The manager says, 'I'm sure we can do that for you sir, but I'll have to ask you to please refrain from using bad language. Thank you. Now sir, how much are you wanting to open the account with today?'

'£26 million,' replies the man.

The manager says, 'And this bastard isn't helping you?'
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/02/2015 20:42

Low cal wafer!

http://loltheists.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/i-cant-believe-its-not-Jesus.jpg

Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/02/2015 20:47



Frank Perdue approached the Pope and made the following offer. If the Catholic Church would officially change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken", then Perdue Chicken would donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.

Two weeks later, Perdue approached the Pope again. This time, he raised the offer to 50 million dollars. Again, the Pope declined.

A month later he offers 100 million, and this time, the Pope accepts.

At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
Posted By: bezzer

Re: Crap joke thread - 09/02/2015 12:02

Yesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/02/2015 22:01

I invented the sandal for people with one leg.

It was a flop.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/02/2015 22:03

My dad always said to me, "Take it with a pinch of salt."

Nice man. Made horrible tea.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/02/2015 22:04

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you're reading this, please come home.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/02/2015 22:10

Sean Connery walks into a library and asks for a book on solo photography.

"Shelf E," replied the librarian.

"Aye that's the one," said Sean
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 21/02/2015 15:47

Originally Posted By: Paul_V
I invented the sandal for people with one leg.

It was a flop.



Love it! keep 'em short, keep 'em crap. That's what I always say. biglaugh
Posted By: jasgol

Re: Crap joke thread - 21/02/2015 16:56

Q: Why do you see bags of white
sugar everywhere but hardly any
bags of brown sugar?
A: Because Demerara.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 21/02/2015 17:39

Q. What is E.T short for?

A. Because he only has little legs.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 21/02/2015 17:47

All right! Bring it on!! This is what I'm talking about! biglaugh
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 24/02/2015 08:54

Jonathon Ross has been found guilty of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco

Ross said it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 24/02/2015 13:50

I went on a Hot Chocolate themed picnic once.

It started with a quiche...
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 24/02/2015 13:53

The inventor of throat lozenges has died.

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.
Posted By: H_R

Re: Crap joke thread - 24/02/2015 14:02

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/03/2015 18:40

I am a fan of old American bikes and really fancied the idea of a tattoo on my back, so I went off to the tattoo parlour and said to the guy that I wanted an Indian done across my back.

He was a bit of a way through when I had a thought and said to him 'What would look really cool is if he could be wielding a tomahawk in his hand'.

He replied 'Give me a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!'
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/03/2015 20:01

I knew a skinny kid, used to ride BSA and had the leather jacket with the initials picked out in studs on the back.

As he said - he wanted to ride a Harley Davidson, but he didn't have the body for it!
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2015 12:56

I met Phil Spector's brother Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Walkers.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/03/2015 13:04

Someone I know told me that he wanted to move to Liverpool with his girlfriend and have a baby there.

I thought, "It will never work."
Posted By: Robotrish

Re: Crap joke thread - 22/03/2015 21:26



click to enlarge
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 22/03/2015 21:50

rofl
Posted By: Robotrish

Re: Crap joke thread - 31/03/2015 20:50

May be a re-post


Lisa was in the fertilised egg business. She had several hundred young ‘pullets’ and ten roosters to fertilise the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Lisa’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen: but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn't rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
Lisa’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.
He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Lisa was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Peace Prize”: they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells.
You will certainly hear the Bull---t
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 31/03/2015 21:45

Everyone seems worried about global warming and world hunger, but the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.
Posted By: H_R

Re: Crap joke thread - 31/03/2015 21:54

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 31/03/2015 21:54

I went to see a psychiatrist recently as I'm convinced I'm a parcel. Unfortunately he was unable treat me, so if anyone has any ideas how to conquer this terrible affliction...

Keep me posted.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 31/03/2015 23:06

I saw a slide with an 85 degree incline for sale the other day for £1000.

I thought that's a bit steep.
Posted By: Gripped

Re: Crap joke thread - 01/04/2015 21:56

They've done a prequel to the Bourne Series of films.

It's called the Bourne Yesterday.

I'm quite proud of that one.

Posted By: Henklia

Re: Crap joke thread - 04/04/2015 15:46

Two men talking about their mother-in-law.
First man: My mother-in-law is an angel.
The second man: you're lucky, mine is still alive
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 23/04/2015 15:24

A couple are walking in St. Petersburg on Christmas Eve, when they feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining" Says the man.

"I think it's snowing" Says the woman.

"I'll ask that communist officer over there, he'll know" exclaims the man - "exuse me, officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining" replies officer Rudolph, without hesitation.

The man looked back at his wife with a smile "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 23/04/2015 15:26

How about a limerick to lower the tone?

There once was a woman from Kew,
Who said, as the Bishop withdrew:
"The Vicar is quicker,
and slicker and thicker,
and four inches longer than you."
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 23/04/2015 16:32

There was a young chap from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
But they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
Posted By: Edinburgh

Re: Crap joke thread - 23/04/2015 17:42

There was a young girl from Baroda
Who built an erotic pagoda,
The walls of its halls
Were festooned with the b***s
And the t***s of the fools that bestroda.
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 24/04/2015 10:24

I just want to warn members to look out for emails trying to sell tickets to the Eskimo lottery. Do not buy them, you have to be Inuit to win it!
Posted By: Robotrish

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/07/2015 06:41

The Greek Debt

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100
note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money,
and leaves town.
No one produced anything.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that is how the bailout package works!
Posted By: Lego

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/07/2015 09:53

Brilliant laugh
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/08/2015 23:25

Have you heard of that new pop group?

It's five guys and four of them suffer from impotence.

They're called One Erection.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/08/2015 22:38

The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise.

I shouted "Stop!" but, if anything, that made things worse.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 10/09/2015 23:40

You've heard about the philosophical problem of whether a tree falling in the forest makes a sound if no-one hears it?

Well here's another conundrum.

If you are alone in a forest and say something, without any women around,

are you still wrong?
Posted By: bezzer

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/09/2015 11:29

What did the daddy buffalo say to his son as he waved goodbye to his son on his 1st day at school.


Bison
Posted By: bezzer

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/09/2015 11:30

I bought a bookcase off Bonnie Tyler, but I had to get my money back, because every now and then it fell apart.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/09/2015 13:09

I've decided to marry a pencil.

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/09/2015 13:12

My late grandad used to only tell people what they wanted to hear.

Lovely man, terrible doctor.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/09/2015 13:16

Two blokes are standing outside Doctor Who's Tardis. One says to the other "I can't believe he's going to give us £75 to paint the inside of this."
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/09/2015 13:20

A bartender who came last in a cocktail competition has been involved in a serious accident.

He's ok ... just been badly shaken.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/09/2015 23:21

Originally Posted By: Paul_V
Two blokes are standing outside Doctor Who's Tardis. One says to the other "I can't believe he's going to give us £75 to paint the inside of this."



That must be a really old joke, judging by the price!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 15/09/2015 00:32

Originally Posted By: Paul_V
I've decided to marry a pencil.

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.



I was attracted to a female pencil, too. We were going to get married, have kids, the lot.

I was sadly mislead.
Posted By: Blueboyracer

Re: Crap joke thread - 15/09/2015 08:25

I heard a crap joke last night at The Ace Cafe - Electrichead Nirvana Night...

Paddy and Mick went to a pub in Mick's new car
After prking right outside Mick went to the bar
'Two pints of Stout please barman...'
All of a sudden Paddy shouts
'Mick your car is being stolen, hurry come and see'
Mick turns just in time for Paddy to shout

'It's fine don't worry I've got the registration'
Posted By: Countrycruising

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/10/2015 22:54

Physics joke.

Peter Higgs walks into a church.

The Priest says "We don't allow atheists in here".

Higgs replies, "Ah, you'll need me for the Mass".
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 07/10/2015 06:35

Oh well played sir!

Traffic cop: Good evening, Mr Schroedinger. Did you know you have a dead cat in your boot?
Schroedinger: Not until you opened it!
Posted By: Robotrish

Re: Crap joke thread - 07/10/2015 17:56

A son is chatting to his dad and asks him,
Dad "what's a Eunuch?"

Rather startled his dad replies,
"Oh thats a man whose cut-out, to be a Bachelor"
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 07/10/2015 21:34

Thanks to Volkswagen, I'm now even starting to doubt if Herbie was a true story.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 07/10/2015 21:47

I once saw Meatloaf in a restaurant, choking on a piece of German sausage.

I saved his life that night.

I took the wurst right out of his mouth.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 07/10/2015 21:50

I bought a Liverpudlian advent calendar in readiness for Christmas.

It comes with a crowbar to open the windows.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 07/10/2015 21:51

I remember being in class 4B2 at school.

We were as thick as two short planks.
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 07/10/2015 22:11

A woman came up to me in the the street and asked if I'd help save a tree.

So I took her car keys.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/12/2016 22:23

Three nuns were at the pearly gates and God wanted to ask them a final question before he let them in.

First nun: What is 2+2?

Oh, that's an easy one . 2+2 =4!

Second nun: What is the capital of France?

Piece of cake. That would be Paris.

Third nun: What did the actress say to the bishop 'round the back of the pulpit?

Oh dear! That's a hard one!
Posted By: Wishy

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/12/2016 23:24

One for the kids (of a certain age at least).

Why did Tigger stick his head down the toilet?

Because he was looking for poo(h)
Posted By: Edinburgh

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/12/2016 00:01

What time does Andy Murray go to bed?


Ten-ish
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/12/2016 00:11

I tried to catch some fog at Heathrow this morning but I mist.
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/12/2016 06:23

Oi, it's not time for bad cracker jokes yet!
Posted By: Morrison

Re: Crap joke thread - 15/02/2017 08:41

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it.

It's true.

I saw it with my own eyes.
Posted By: Robotrish

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/02/2017 13:02

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."

God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"

Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honour are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."

God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?"

Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
Posted By: DanTheManc

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/03/2017 15:45

Brummie walks into a tailors.
"Alroit, mate. I'd like a 70s suit, please."
The tailor says, "Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?"
Brummie says, "Thanks mate, two sugars please."
Posted By: oxfordSteve

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/03/2017 15:49

Originally Posted By DanTheManc
Brummie walks into a tailors.
"Alroit, mate. I'd like a 70s suit, please."
The tailor says, "Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?"
Brummie says, "Thanks mate, two sugars please."


*Copyright Noddy Holder 1976
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 09/03/2017 08:57

I bought a stairlift the other day which turned out to be faulty. It's been driving me up the wall.
Posted By: bezzer

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/01/2018 12:03

Holy thread resurrection, Batman!



When it comes to nuclear war, the main difference is -

North Korea have a desk with a button..

America have a desk with a knob!

coat
Posted By: Edinburgh

Re: Crap joke thread - 05/01/2018 12:10

laugh
Posted By: Morrison

Re: Crap joke thread - 09/01/2018 12:05

What's green, fuzzy and would likely kill you if it fell out of a tree?


A pool table.
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 15/01/2018 23:36

Mods please move this if it's not suitable. It's actually a serious post, but as I've been having this issue since last week that actually sounds so stupid (well, most of my car problems do, come to think of it) and is annoying me so much, I thought I'd might as well as add it to this thread. At least get a chuckle out of it as well as some much needed advice. rolleyes

Basically, I did an oil change on my Coop and since then there's been a chirping sound coming from the engine. It happens whether the engine is idling, revving, cold, hot - basically all the time.

The strangest thing is it seems loudest in the early hours of the morning, regardless of whether the engine is hot or cold. So basically, say I start it up at 6am. The chirping is at maximum volume. I let the engine get really hot. I then turn it off. I then start it up again immediately. The chirping will still be at maximum volume. But then, one day I may not start the car up until the evening, and when I do turn it on (obviously a cold start), the chirping volume will be half of what it was as described in the former scenario.

I've checked the oil level and it seems ok. Also the car drives fine too. It's just that this sound is so bad. I used to think the Coop's squeaking brakes gave me a headache but this is literally giving me a migraine.

Has anyone else had this problem with Kestrel GTX?

Thanks.
Posted By: G_Man

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/01/2018 18:56

My mum said I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti but you should have seen her face when I drove pasta.. coat
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/01/2018 20:44

A man was at a car dealership one day, looking to buy a new car.

However, none of the cars that were on display there interested him.

He was about to leave when one of the salesmen who had taken a customer for a test drive in an Audi, drove past him with his window down. The man suddenly sneezed and one of his glass eyes came flying out. It went through the open window and ended up in the Audi.

The salesman stopped the car, got out and gave the man his glass eye back.

Putting his glass eye back in, the man said to the salesman, ''I'm interested in buying this car. It really caught my eye.''
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/01/2018 09:40

Two people just knocked on the door asking if I would be interested in donating money to Greenpeace.

"No thanks mate." I said. "I've still got two bags of frozen ones left over from Christmas."
Posted By: kev_megadon

Re: Crap joke thread - 15/03/2018 13:30

Asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said "heres a clue, former England goalkeeper".

How was I supposed to know she meant Flowers...
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 16/03/2018 05:35

Not the south gate, then? (grin, duck, run...)
Posted By: G_Man

Re: Crap joke thread - 16/03/2018 17:55

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night - should have had it on aloha temperature rolleyes
Posted By: bezzer

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/03/2018 07:21

Originally Posted By barnacle
Not the south gate, then? (grin, duck, run...)


I'm assuming it was the pony-tailed David, he of Arsenal and England.......
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 24/03/2018 14:42

A guy who loves playing pranks decides to go around and stick wrong badges on any debadged cars that he comes across.

He first sees a Lotus Elise. He smiles as he sticks on a Volvo badge.

Next he spots an Alfa Romeo 4C. He chuckles as he sticks on a Citroen badge.

He then finds a Porsche 911. He giggles as he sticks on a Skoda badge.

He finally sees a car but he doesn't know what it is. And with tears rolling down his face from laughing so hard that his stomach hurts, he sticks a Fiat badge on a Fiat Coupe.

coat
Posted By: Morrison

Re: Crap joke thread - 25/07/2018 08:05

I have a phobia about speed bumps.



I'm slowly getting over it.
Posted By: Morrison

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/07/2018 14:06

Did you hear about the Rabbi who botched a circumcision?



He got the sack.
Posted By: H_R

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/07/2018 14:09

two blondes walk into a building...

you'd think at least one of them would have seen it!
Posted By: kev_megadon

Re: Crap joke thread - 30/08/2018 17:33

I offered my gran £5 for a go on her stair lift.

I think she's going to take me up on it!
Posted By: Nigel

Re: Crap joke thread - 31/08/2018 06:46

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday

It can't have been me, because I didn't even know it was her birthday....
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 31/08/2018 19:26

An old man drove past me on a tractor this morning and told me the end was nigh...

I think it was Farmer Gedden.
Posted By: H_R

Re: Crap joke thread - 01/09/2018 09:13

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts!
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/01/2019 17:51

When I noticed that one of my male organs was growing larger I was delighted. But after several weeks it had grown out of all proportion and was having trouble walking so the wife and I went to see a urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained that, though my condition was rare, it could be fixed by surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked.

"Crutches? Why should he need crutches?" responded the doctor.

"Well" said my wife
Click to reveal...
"You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
Posted By: H_R

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/01/2019 18:58

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 04/02/2019 00:34

What do you call a fish that likes to modify cars? A tuna.

The other day I used a store discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen. I only got 10% off.

The other day I used Vicks VapoRub to polish my car. My neighbour looked at me as if I was menthol.

The other day I went on a trackday. Instead of standard unleaded I filled up with tomato puree. It made a huge difference because none of the other cars could ketchup.

A woman laughed at her husband when he said he could build a car out of macaroni and teach a fish how to drive it. The next day as she went for a walk, she got a shock as a tuna drove pasta.
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 04/02/2019 17:15

<groan>
Posted By: bezzer

Re: Crap joke thread - 08/02/2019 13:03

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said "Can you please describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer is a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"
Posted By: bezzer

Re: Crap joke thread - 08/02/2019 13:06

As I started to unload my seriously full trolley at the till, I noticed a little old lady behind me holding only a pint of milk....

"Is that all you've got?" I asked. "Yes" she smiled.

"Well" I replied, "You'd better find another till, I'm going to be f***ing ages!"
Posted By: H_R

Re: Crap joke thread - 08/02/2019 13:17

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'
Posted By: H_R

Re: Crap joke thread - 08/02/2019 13:17

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/02/2019 13:17

What did the pirate say when he reached 80?

Aye Matey
Posted By: Edinburgh

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/02/2019 15:52

laugh

Not long for some of us laugh
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 23/07/2019 20:54

Thread resurrection.

Attached picture 67195942_2380430708671528_4906951439340797952_n.jpg
Posted By: Edinburgh

Re: Crap joke thread - 24/07/2019 09:37

rofl
Posted By: Wishy

Re: Crap joke thread - 28/07/2019 17:22

You should never have a pillow fight with the devil unless you are prepared to deal with the reaper cushions.
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/08/2019 20:17

An old U S Navy Chief shuffled into a waterfront bar.

Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. "I'd like the job."

The barkeep was skeptical but it’d been awhile since he had a piano player and business was falling off so he gave him a try.

The old Chief staggered to the piano as patrons snickered but by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced and what followed was a rhapsody of music and when he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender bought the old Chief a beer and asked him the name of the song he’d just played.
The Chief took a long pull from the beer and replied, “It’s called, "Drop Your Skivvies Baby, We're Gonna Rock the Boat Tonight."
The bartender winced, but the old Chief then launched into a knee-slapping, bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
After he finished, the Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Your Big Boobs Make My Anchor Hard."

He then excused himself as he lurched off to the head.

When the old Chief came out of the head, the bartender said, "Look Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
Posted By: jimboy

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/08/2019 08:17

This is for members who remember Doctor Findlays Case Book, & having Janet in a high pitched Scottish voice, Doctor Cameron in a low grumpy Scottish voice.

Janet.
Doctor Cameron, Doctor Cameron

Doctor Cameron.
What is it Janet

Janet
I've got awful heartburn Doctor Cameron.

Doctor Cameron.
Ach! yeah daft woman get yer tits oot o the porridge.
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/08/2019 17:55

Brought to you by 'give an old joke a home', a registered charity...
Posted By: jimboy

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/08/2019 18:03

Originally Posted by barnacle
Brought to you by 'give an old joke a home', a registered charity...



Crap joke thread is the clue... wink
Posted By: Possum

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/08/2019 03:27

Two young schoolboys standing side by side at the urinal; one looks over at his mate and says, "Oh, I see that you have been circumcised, did it hurt?"

His mate replies, "Hurt, Hurt!!, I couldn't walk for 12 months!"
Posted By: Smatt

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/08/2019 10:36

Can i post links here??

Top jokes from this year's Fringe in case you haven't already seen;


Edinburgh Festival Fringe jokes
Posted By: Blueboyracer

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/08/2019 13:37

A mate of mine has just had a penis extension ...

Now his house looks really stupid.
Posted By: Morrison

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/08/2019 06:49

Did you hear about the kidnapping at centre parks last week?


It's ok now, he woke up after 20 minutes.
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 13/09/2019 11:20

I once accidentally swallowed a glider.

I had a soar throat for a week.
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 13/09/2019 11:28

I was once given a slice of toast, a boiled egg and a glass of water on a flight.

I'd paid a lot of money and I was extremely furious that I was given such extremely plane food.
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 13/09/2019 11:32

I've got such a funny joke about aeroplanes that you will knot be able to stop laughing.
Posted By: Blueboyracer

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/09/2019 08:11

What's a dogs favourite part of a house?
















The woof
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/09/2019 09:11

What do you call your children, grandchildren and great grandchildren all walking backwards?
A receding heirline.



What do you call a group of mothers walking backwards?
Receding mums.



What do you call a car in busy traffic driving backwards?
Well, it depends on the make and model doesn't it?
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/09/2019 17:35

It's an Audi. I can tell.
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/10/2019 09:18

The past, present and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.
Posted By: mikndo69

Re: Crap joke thread - 16/10/2019 08:39

!!! ALERT !!!

A 3 foot 2 inch Psychic has escaped from a high security prison.

Police are saying there's a Small Medium at Large



So sorry coat
Posted By: H_R

Re: Crap joke thread - 16/10/2019 09:46

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 16/10/2019 13:09

nsfw.

Attached picture 72074137_2335099886613210_9050757881049120768_n[1].jpg
Posted By: jimboy

Re: Crap joke thread - 16/10/2019 13:11

Originally Posted by PeteP
nsfw.



Now that's funny I like that... laugh
Posted By: magooagain

Re: Crap joke thread - 16/10/2019 20:29

Scottsman walks into a pub,normally a Irishman,a Englishman and Welshman are in the pub also but their still in Japan!
Posted By: Edinburgh

Re: Crap joke thread - 16/10/2019 22:23

Originally Posted by magooagain
Scottsman walks into a pub,normally a Irishman,a Englishman and Welshman are in the pub also but their still in Japan!



Ooh Joe, that's a bit 'arsh!
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/10/2019 18:41

How do insects find the best bug hotels?

Thrip advisor...
Posted By: Edinburgh

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/10/2019 20:29

Originally Posted by barnacle


Thrip advisor...


As is not uncommon Neil, you forced me to look that one up laugh
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/10/2019 21:47

aka thunderbugs! laugh
Posted By: jimboy

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/10/2019 09:47

Seasonal message.. snowman....I don't care what your name is you fat bastard, get those f***ing reindeer off my roof now!
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 24/10/2019 15:46

A quick health test not available on the NHS

Go outside and pee in the garden.

If ants gather:- diabetes.

If you pee on your feet:- prostate.

if it smells like a barbecue:- cholesterol.

if when you shake it, your wrist hurts:- osteoarthritis.

if you return to your room with your penis outside your pants:- Alzheimers
Posted By: Paul_V

Re: Crap joke thread - 07/12/2019 22:02

I've just met a Chinese drug addict.He said "Have you seen my cocaine?".
I said "Not since he starred in Zulu".
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/01/2020 23:54

A couple of days late.

Attached picture 84191196_2653545378091867_4702961100033884160_n.jpg
Posted By: Gripped

Re: Crap joke thread - 30/01/2020 16:23

Got diverted to the wrong airport in Brazil.

It was just a landing strip.

wink
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 30/03/2020 16:16

Let's lower the tone a bit.

Attached picture test results.jpg
Posted By: Countrycruising

Re: Crap joke thread - 30/03/2020 16:28

Originally Posted by PeteP
Let's lower the tone a bit.


laugh
Posted By: mikndo69

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/04/2020 11:03

Originally Posted by Countrycruising
Originally Posted by PeteP
Let's lower the tone a bit.


laugh


Fantastic
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/04/2020 09:55

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
Posted By: jimboy

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/04/2020 14:19

This made my wife & I laugh out loud.... laugh
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/04/2020 16:36

A memory for those who have been to sea in the Far East.

Attached picture thailand.jpg
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 30/04/2020 23:24

They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.

They lied, everyone else had clothes on.
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 30/04/2020 23:34

My friend David had his ID stolen the other day.

Now I just call him Dav.
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 30/04/2020 23:36

I met a woman who said she was a huge Monkees fan.

She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical.

Then I saw her place...
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 30/04/2020 23:44

I have a condition where I deny the existence of old English rock bands.

There is no Cure.
Posted By: Submariner

Re: Crap joke thread - 01/05/2020 10:08

Superb!
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 25/05/2020 19:40

Very true.

Attached picture bangkok.jpg
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 26/05/2020 18:19

Dave works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.

His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no!" says Dave."He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!"
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/05/2020 09:38

Is that the same Dave from the Everyone Knows Dave joke?
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/05/2020 20:43

A 90 year old man walks into a crowded GP surgery waiting room and approaches the desk. The receptionist asks, "Yes Sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replies.

The receptionist becomes irritated and says, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he says.

The receptionist replies, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replies, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walks out, waits several minutes and then comes in again.

The receptionist smiles smugly and asks, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he states.

The receptionist nods approvingly and smiles knowing he has taken her advice. She asks, "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

He replies, "I can't piss out of it."
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/05/2020 20:59

A woman starts going into labour and so her husband calls 111.

"My wife is going into labour, what should I do?" he asks the 111 operator.

"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.

He replies, "No, this is her husband."
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/05/2020 21:10

An air hostess asks a passenger, "Would you like a drink?"

The passenger asks, "What are my options?"

The air hostess replies, "Yes or no."
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/05/2020 21:19

I've been feeling stressed out lately so I went to the doctor.

He asked me, "Do you feel under pressure?"

I replied, "To be completely honest, I prefer Bohemian Rhapsody."
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 01/06/2020 16:35

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
Posted By: Edinburgh

Re: Crap joke thread - 01/06/2020 17:13

^^^ laugh
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/06/2020 19:02

A man and his wife go to see a marriage counsellor.

The counsellor asks the wife, "So why do you want to end your marriage?"

The wife replies, "I'm sick and tired of the constant Star Wars puns. He's been making them for the last 3 bloody years!"

The counsellor then asks the husband, "Is this true?"

The husband replies, "Yes. Divorce is strong with this one."







Why did the Jedi jockey lose the race?

Because he forgot to use the horse.







I had conjunctivitis a couple of months ago. I checked last night and it looks like I've got it again. Seems like a Return of the Red Eye.
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/06/2020 12:09

So, my wife and I were watching TV last night.

She said she was bored with the repetitive, monotonous chores she had to do every single day during lockdown; and that I had it far too easy.

Huh, she thinks I have it far too easy!! So, I thought I'll show her.

Being the loving, caring husband I am, I said right tomorrow we'll swap roles and chores.

Well, I've just done the dishes, but I bet she doesn't last two minutes reading the Fiat Coupe Facebook page and watching porn all day
Posted By: Possum

Re: Crap joke thread - 08/06/2020 04:33

I wanted to buy an aircraft,

But, my wife Cess-na!
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 09/06/2020 01:53

I told my wife I wasn't sure whether I wanted to buy the iPhone XS Max, the Samsung Galaxy S10 or a large sailing boat with an engine and a place to sleep on board.

My wife said, "Yacht are you talking about?"
Posted By: Morrison

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/08/2020 15:30

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.



It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush
Posted By: G_Man

Re: Crap joke thread - 31/08/2020 12:37

Patient : Doctor, doctor I've swallowed some Scrabble tiles!

Doctor: That's not good. - going to the toilet could spell trouble.
Posted By: sugerbear

Re: Crap joke thread - 02/09/2020 14:00

“My wife’s gone to the West Indies”

“Jamaica?”

“No the Home Office did”
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 04/09/2020 16:15

Did you hear about the guy who had no anus?

He had an ass whole.
Posted By: G_Man

Re: Crap joke thread - 09/09/2020 06:43

Job interview situation:

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Candidate: No, but I can give bohemian rhapsody a go.

rolleyes
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/09/2020 19:49

Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Aye"
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'
Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”
Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doing all right."
Welshman: (look of shock)
Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”
Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."
Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welshman: "That sheep's a liar, don't believe a word he says!!”
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 12/09/2020 15:22

An old, blind sailor wandered into an all-girl bikers' bar by mistake.
He found his way to a bar stool and ordered some rum .

After sitting there for awhile, he yelled to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately fell absolutely silent, and in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him said,"Before you tell that joke, sailor boy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, sailor boy , Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The sailor thought for a second, shook his head, and muttered, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Posted By: G_Man

Re: Crap joke thread - 16/09/2020 18:46

Seen in the context of the exam results cluster fudge recently:

Got some AAA batteries at the shop but when I got home they were BCC's.

coat
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 23/09/2020 11:09

I went to the theatre once and halfway through the play, all the actors fell through the floor. I'm sure they were ok though. They were just going through a stage.
Posted By: Gripped

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/10/2020 19:12

Got fired from my job as a human cannon ball. I doubt they'll find anyone of the same calibre.
Posted By: Edinburgh

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/10/2020 21:53

Originally Posted by Gripped
Got fired from my job as a human cannon ball. I doubt they'll find anyone of the same calibre.



They weren't pleased to get shot of you?


coat
Posted By: Gripped

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/10/2020 23:01

I think they were gunning for me all along.

redcard
Posted By: Edinburgh

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/10/2020 07:25

Yeah, had you over a barrel sick
Posted By: JKD

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/10/2020 08:44

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office! Sincerely, Edna
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 27/10/2020 14:52

My wife makes me take 1/4 Viagra tablet a day. It stops me peeing on my shoes.

Attached picture viagra.jpg
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 01/01/2021 16:07

.

Attached picture cat.png
Posted By: Edinburgh

Re: Crap joke thread - 01/01/2021 16:10

I forgot which line I was on...
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2021 09:54

Wouldn't have been a better test if the author had checked his spelling? Hint: us over fifties can spell 'forty'.
Posted By: DaveG

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2021 16:16

So here's the thing Neil, either you meant to say what you wrote verbatim, i.e. (It) wouldn't have been a better test if the author had checked his spelling..so that the question mark might be better relaced by an exclamation mark to emphasise the statement that even with correct spellings the test would not have been any better, or Wouldn't (it) have been a better test if the author had checked his spelling? where the question mark of course belongs to the question being asked...
Posted By: jimboy

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2021 17:35

The question really, who gives a feck ?:D wrong spelling of course for obvious reasons. laugh
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 03/01/2021 20:09

Indeed Jim, It was sent to me by an old friend in New Zealand and I thought it worth passing on, spelling and all.
Posted By: PaulL

Re: Crap joke thread - 04/01/2021 11:09

Nice one DaveG. Very dry !
Posted By: barnacle

Re: Crap joke thread - 04/01/2021 14:57

But Dave, you know damn well there's a rule that any internet post criticising spelling or grammar must contain at least one error itself!

(My excuse is I'm suffering from German language lessons; it's buggering up my typing and English spelling...)
Posted By: Countrycruising

Re: Crap joke thread - 04/01/2021 15:36

Originally Posted by PeteP
.


laugh
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 07/01/2021 22:40

>

Attached picture Iceland.jpg
Posted By: Edinburgh

Re: Crap joke thread - 07/01/2021 22:45

Look again

Attached picture IMG-20210107-WA0004.jpg
Posted By: PaulL

Re: Crap joke thread - 08/01/2021 14:23

Nice one Simon.

Your musical taste is a little highbrow for me, but
Have you heard Pavarotti singing It's a man's world, with James Brown.

Check it out on YouTube, and tell me what you think.
Posted By: Edinburgh

Re: Crap joke thread - 08/01/2021 14:38

Originally Posted by PaulL
Nice one Simon.

Your musical taste is a little highbrow for me, but
Have you heard Pavarotti singing It's a man's world, with James Brown.

Check it out on YouTube, and tell me what you think.


Oof, "can-of-worms"!

I'm moving your quote to a former "music-themed" thread Paul, and will reply there
smile
Posted By: Edinburgh

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/01/2021 09:55

Found while sifting through grandparents' photos and souvenirs....




Attached File
Free Milk Applications.pdf  (21 downloads)
Posted By: Possum

Re: Crap joke thread - 11/01/2021 23:57

Just for the record, a person born in '33 would have been 45 in '78.
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 29/01/2021 21:39

A young man got his first ever job working on a Lighthouse far out at sea.

Reporting for duty on the first day after a very rough crossing and boarding the Lighthouse he was greeted by the Lighthouse Master.
"What is the drill on the Lighthouse he enquired?" "Oh "says the Master, "its easy, Monday we sweep the floors and the stairs, wash the walls, fill the lamps and polish the lenses, then we retire to the lounge area."
"What happens after that" he enquired. "Oh" says the Master "we play Crib and Dominoes until bedtime as we don’t have any TV reception."
"That is a shame" the young man said," I am not into Pub Games." "Well", said the Master "you can read a book from our Library"

Monday comes and Monday goes, and the young man asked, "What happens on Tuesday? "
"Well", said the master "we sweep the floors and the stairs, wash the walls, fill the lamps, and polish the lenses, then we retire to the lounge area, and we play Pool, and Billiards."
"That is a shame" said the young man, "its pub games again".
"The Library it is for you" the Master said.

Tuesday comes and goes and the same question, "What happens on Wednesday."
Same answer, "We sweep the floors and the stairs, wash the walls, fill the lamps, and polish the lenses, then we retire to the lounge area, and because Wednesday is special Trinity House send out a supply ship with lots of booze and they send two young ladies for our enjoyment for the evening."
Now the young man is getting rather agitated and the Master asks what is wrong.
The young man said that he had just broken up with his fiancée and he did not think that that type of behavior would be right
.
The Master was now at his wits end and asked the young man,. “You are not Gay, are you?”
“Certainly not” exclaimed the young man fervently.

Well, said the Master “ You are not going to like Thursday then”.
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 20/03/2021 22:15

Another one copied from a Shell Tankers facebook group, (i went to sea on their ships)


A group of whales were fed up with ships.

The things criss-crossed their feeding grounds, migration paths and breeding areas all the time.
Occasionally, they turned out to be actively hunting them.

So they held a strategic meeting in the middle of the ocean and decided to hammer out a plan of action. "We'll split into two groups, one behind the other" said the chief whale. "The first group can swim under each ship, and everyone will blow together, creating a huge bubble of air, which will capsize the ship, causing the sailors to drop into the water."

"The second group of whales, which will have to be you killer whales over there, can then eat them all up"! "Soon word will spread and we'll be left alone"

After the cheering died down, one whale at the back of the group raised a side fin to gain attention.

The chief said "Yes Moby, you have something to add?"
"Well," replied Moby, " I can go along with the blow job but I refuse to swallow any seamen"
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/01/2022 12:18

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers.
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Posted By: PaulL

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/01/2022 18:36

Brill

Can't beat a new ( old ) joke.
Posted By: PaulL

Re: Crap joke thread - 16/01/2022 08:38

Tolkien is Hobbit forming.
Posted By: Possum

Re: Crap joke thread - 18/01/2022 07:27

How does one get Pikachu on a bus?

You Pokémon
Posted By: PaulL

Re: Crap joke thread - 01/02/2022 17:47

What's old and wrinkled and hangs out your pyjamas ?

Your mum.
Posted By: Gripped

Re: Crap joke thread - 14/02/2022 23:29

Bono and the Edge walk into a pub.
The barman looks up and says: “For goodness sake’s, not U2 again!”
Posted By: PaulL

Re: Crap joke thread - 06/04/2022 06:18

I remember hearing someone ask Bob Monkhouse what sex was like at 70.
He said that it was fine, but not as good as across the road at No 71.
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/05/2022 18:38

An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’
Posted By: PaulL

Re: Crap joke thread - 17/05/2022 20:25

Ditto
Posted By: jimboy

Re: Crap joke thread - 19/05/2022 11:26

Originally Posted by PeteP
An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’


This really made me laugh, so did my wife… laugh
Posted By: PeteP

Re: Crap joke thread - 24/06/2022 15:47

I would like to believe that this is the genuine article, but somehow I doubt it .

Attached picture 288232814_5194100460702733_6674321720455749331_n gyno.jpg
Posted By: PaulL

Re: Crap joke thread - 24/06/2022 17:23

Looks genuine to me.
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