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Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1420769
08/04/2013 19:02
08/04/2013 19:02
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 33,522
Berlin
barnacle Offline
Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
barnacle  Offline
Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
Forum Demigod

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 33,522
Berlin
Burial or cremation? Surely the lady's not for burning...

Too soon?


[Linked Image]
Don't get no respect! Coupe Fiat 1994-2000 - an owner's guide <-- clicky!
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1420797
08/04/2013 20:55
08/04/2013 20:55

M
Muzzynumber2
Unregistered
Muzzynumber2
Unregistered
M



She's only been in hell for a day and has already shut down 3 furnaces.

R.I.P iron lady

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #1421514
11/04/2013 23:06
11/04/2013 23:06
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
Paul_V Offline
Competition Level
Paul_V  Offline
Competition Level

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
I never wanted to believe that my brother stole from his job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: Paul_V] #1421577
12/04/2013 10:28
12/04/2013 10:28
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,446
Essex
evo_number_one Offline
My job on the forum
evo_number_one  Offline
My job on the forum

Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,446
Essex
The Iron Lady.

Rust in peace.


105
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: evo_number_one] #1421627
12/04/2013 15:45
12/04/2013 15:45
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
Paul_V Offline
Competition Level
Paul_V  Offline
Competition Level

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
I rang the local Chinese and asked if they did take-away. They said yes, so I said whats 9 minus 5

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: evo_number_one] #1421628
12/04/2013 15:48
12/04/2013 15:48
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
Paul_V Offline
Competition Level
Paul_V  Offline
Competition Level

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
During WW2 my grandad used to scribble a lot. He was hit by a doodlebug.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1422067
14/04/2013 22:32
14/04/2013 22:32
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,446
Essex
evo_number_one Offline
My job on the forum
evo_number_one  Offline
My job on the forum

Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,446
Essex
Chap comes home from work. Walking into his front room, he is dumb-founded to see 4 armchairs and 2 sofas.

“What’s with the extra set of chairs love?” he calls to the Wife.

The Wife walks in from the hall and is as confused as he is. “Where have they come? I’ve only just got home myself. Tommy! Tommy, get down here now”, she called to her Son.

Tommy comes down and claims he knows nothing either – “They were here when I got home from school Mum”.

“No use to us – phone one of them charities who collect furniture tomorrow and see if they can come and take them away” the Husband said to the Wife.

The next night, he gets home and there are now 6 armchairs and 3 sofas!

“What the …..” he starts.

“I don’t know” says the Wife walking in. “Tommy said they were here when he got home from school again. The Charity shop said they will come next Monday, so they can take these extra ones as well”.

The next day, the husband finishes work early and gets home just after 3:30pm. He is relieved to see that there are no additional armchairs or sofas and is just about to walk out of the room, when up the path he sees Tommy and several of his mates, pushing and dragging 2 armchairs and a sofa to the front door.

Dad rushes to the door and screams “Tommy! So it has got something to do with you. Come on, where have you and your so called Mates been stealing these from?”

“Dad” pleads Tommy “We have not stolen anything – honest, you must believe me.”

“Why should I believe you? You have lied to me, and you have lied to your Mum about not knowing anything about these chairs - and now you want me to believe you have not stolen them! Come on then – where did you get them from?”

“Dad, this bloke with a big van in the car park up by the swings in the park gave them to us – honest, it’s the truth”.

The fathers face dropped. He put a hand on Tommy shoulder.

“Tommy, the lies were bad enough, but now this. You know, since you were a very small boy me and your Mum have always told you………

Never accept suites from a Stranger!”


105
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1424808
30/04/2013 01:47
30/04/2013 01:47
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,482
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
Hon Club Member 005, Membership Secretary
PeteP  Offline
Hon Club Member 005, Membership Secretary
Forum Fossil

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,482
Aldershot
One mother Ms. Smith, calls another mother Ms. Jones, and tells her eight year old William Jones was caught caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary Smith,her eight-year-old daughter.

William's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her censored appendix out!"


16VT and X1/9 1500

We must all do our part for the planet.
I unplugged a row of electric cars that nobody was using.
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: PeteP] #1425881
06/05/2013 15:32
06/05/2013 15:32
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,446
Essex
evo_number_one Offline
My job on the forum
evo_number_one  Offline
My job on the forum

Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,446
Essex
Ken Barlow, Stuart Hall, Kevin Webster, Rolf Harris, Freddie Star, Jim Davidson..........

Wow!!

This years prison panto is going to be the best ever!!


105
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1425883
06/05/2013 15:37
06/05/2013 15:37
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,446
Essex
evo_number_one Offline
My job on the forum
evo_number_one  Offline
My job on the forum

Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,446
Essex
A lady walked into a Police Station looking distressed.

The desk Sergeant asked "Can I help you Madam?"

"Yes, I'd like to report a case of sexual assault"

"When and where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park about 10 minutes ago" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath on the far side of the park when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my clothes, dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Can you describe hime to me?"

"He was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pad things that went from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Hmmm. Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was, and he was an Australian Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "I take it you've worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied.

"I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".......

coat


105
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: evo_number_one] #1425943
06/05/2013 22:13
06/05/2013 22:13
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
Paul_V Offline
Competition Level
Paul_V  Offline
Competition Level

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
The Pope was touring Ireland and a local priest asked him what he thought of County Down. He replied "It's not the same since Carol Vorderman left".

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: Paul_V] #1425973
07/05/2013 07:51
07/05/2013 07:51
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,144
Southampton, Hants
Roadking Offline
Club member 1809
Roadking  Offline
Club member 1809
Forum is my life

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,144
Southampton, Hants
Originally Posted By: Paul_V
The Pope was touring Ireland and a local priest asked him what he thought of County Down. He replied "It's not the same since Carol Vorderman left".


rofl


"RK's way seems the most sensible to me". ali_hire 16 Dec 2010
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1426387
09/05/2013 08:20
09/05/2013 08:20

M
Mark3009
Unregistered
Mark3009
Unregistered
M



When I die, I really hope that it is in my sleep - just like Granddad.



........not screaming and shouting like the passengers in his car.

Last edited by Mark3009; 09/05/2013 08:22.
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #1428274
20/05/2013 19:57
20/05/2013 19:57
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
Paul_V Offline
Competition Level
Paul_V  Offline
Competition Level

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
I was doing some cooking last night and I got some herbs in my eye. I am now parsley sighted.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #1428578
21/05/2013 21:46
21/05/2013 21:46
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
Paul_V Offline
Competition Level
Paul_V  Offline
Competition Level

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
After Joe Frazier died in 2011 the police are now treating his death as suspicious. They are grilling George Foreman!

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #1432062
07/06/2013 19:53
07/06/2013 19:53
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
Paul_V Offline
Competition Level
Paul_V  Offline
Competition Level

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
I told the wife that I kept getting a burning sensation in my arse and didn't know what it was.

She said "ring sting" I said "what makes you think he'll know"

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: Paul_V] #1432975
13/06/2013 16:59
13/06/2013 16:59
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,144
Southampton, Hants
Roadking Offline
Club member 1809
Roadking  Offline
Club member 1809
Forum is my life

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,144
Southampton, Hants
I just got a phone call from a representative from Google.

"We're campaigning to get people to sign an on-line petition supporting our company tax arrangements in light of the government's plans for an investigation."

"You can cloud9 right off," I told him. "It's the law abiding tax payer like me who suffers because of bastards like Google. You're getting no support from me!"

There was a pause before he added, "We know your browsing history."

"It's about time somebody stood up to the Government. I'm logging in as we speak."


"RK's way seems the most sensible to me". ali_hire 16 Dec 2010
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: Roadking] #1433019
13/06/2013 20:21
13/06/2013 20:21
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
Paul_V Offline
Competition Level
Paul_V  Offline
Competition Level

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
I joined a nudist colony last week.

First few days were the hardest.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1433169
14/06/2013 17:50
14/06/2013 17:50
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,446
Essex
evo_number_one Offline
My job on the forum
evo_number_one  Offline
My job on the forum

Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,446
Essex
Its Caribbean hair day at work next Friday.

I'm dreading it.....

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1433205
14/06/2013 20:33
14/06/2013 20:33
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 702
Cornwall
jasgol Offline
Enjoying the ride
jasgol  Offline
Enjoying the ride

Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 702
Cornwall
Just got a job playing triangle in
a reggae band. It's pretty easy, I
just stand at the back and ting.


Horsing around's a serious business.
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: jasgol] #1433248
15/06/2013 08:30
15/06/2013 08:30
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
Paul_V Offline
Competition Level
Paul_V  Offline
Competition Level

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
A book just fell on my head.

I have only my shelf to blame.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: jasgol] #1433258
15/06/2013 09:35
15/06/2013 09:35
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 5,294
Portsmouth
A
ali_hire Offline
Forum is my life
ali_hire  Offline
Forum is my life
A

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 5,294
Portsmouth
Originally Posted By: jasgol
Just got a job playing triangle in
a reggae band. It's pretty easy, I
just stand at the back and ting.


This really tickled me. hehe

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1433344
15/06/2013 19:29
15/06/2013 19:29
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,595
angus, scotland
jimbob13 Offline
I need some sleep
jimbob13  Offline
I need some sleep

Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,595
angus, scotland
A woman confides to her best friend "I've slept with a Brazilian,"
And her friend asks "Really?! How many is a brazilian ?"


[Linked Image]
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: jimbob13] #1433662
17/06/2013 21:04
17/06/2013 21:04
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
Paul_V Offline
Competition Level
Paul_V  Offline
Competition Level

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
:URGENT ADVICE TO GINGER WOMEN:

Don't have a brazilian - it will look like a fish finger.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1435055
26/06/2013 17:52
26/06/2013 17:52
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 514
Ireland/Bulgaria
Markiz Offline
Enjoying the ride
Markiz  Offline
Enjoying the ride

Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 514
Ireland/Bulgaria
Why can`t a bicycle stand on its own?

- Because its TWO-TIRED!


[Linked Image]
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1435354
27/06/2013 21:12
27/06/2013 21:12

M
Muzzynumber2
Unregistered
Muzzynumber2
Unregistered
M



Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street one day when paddy spots a mirror, picks it up and looks at it. "Hey, I recognise him" says paddy.
Murphy grabs the mirror off paddy and takes a look. "it's me you daft git" replies Murphy.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #1435555
28/06/2013 21:26
28/06/2013 21:26
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
Paul_V Offline
Competition Level
Paul_V  Offline
Competition Level

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
There was bad news this week as I was forced to shut down my dating agency for lesbian chickens. I was struggling to make hens meet.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1436361
03/07/2013 19:44
03/07/2013 19:44

N
Nello
Unregistered
Nello
Unregistered
N



Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5
people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."
"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five
persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you
all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak
to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1436368
03/07/2013 20:37
03/07/2013 20:37
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,546
Northumberland
A
AndrewR Offline
I AM a Coop
AndrewR  Offline
I AM a Coop
A

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,546
Northumberland
My parents were really shocked at the weekend when I introduced them to my new black girlfriend.

They're so old-fashioned ... they think I should be faithful to my wife.


Dear monos, a secret truth.
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1436558
05/07/2013 07:02
05/07/2013 07:02

M
Muzzynumber2
Unregistered
Muzzynumber2
Unregistered
M



Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work! laugh

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