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Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #737928
02/01/2009 14:35
02/01/2009 14:35
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,783
In the coupe.
magooagain Offline
Club Member 259
magooagain  Offline
Club Member 259
Forum is my life

Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,783
In the coupe.
What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Dug.



Re: Crap joke thread [Re: magooagain] #737930
02/01/2009 14:38
02/01/2009 14:38
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 17,917
J
JimO Offline
Forum veteran
JimO  Offline
Forum veteran
J

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 17,917
What do you call a man without a spade in his head?
Dugless.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: JimO] #737932
02/01/2009 14:44
02/01/2009 14:44

N
NuIotaChi
Unregistered
NuIotaChi
Unregistered
N



What do call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #737938
02/01/2009 15:00
02/01/2009 15:00

N
NuIotaChi
Unregistered
NuIotaChi
Unregistered
N



What do call a man with no arms or legs in a river?
Bob

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #737942
02/01/2009 15:12
02/01/2009 15:12

E
Enforcer
Unregistered
Enforcer
Unregistered
E



Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?"

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #737945
02/01/2009 15:14
02/01/2009 15:14

O
owl10
Unregistered
owl10
Unregistered
O



A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. It is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says the wife. "Cant you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing" replied the drunk

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #737947
02/01/2009 15:24
02/01/2009 15:24

E
Enforcer
Unregistered
Enforcer
Unregistered
E



A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?"

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #737956
02/01/2009 15:38
02/01/2009 15:38

N
NuIotaChi
Unregistered
NuIotaChi
Unregistered
N



/\
|

\:D

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #737958
02/01/2009 15:42
02/01/2009 15:42

N
NuIotaChi
Unregistered
NuIotaChi
Unregistered
N



It'll probably get deleted but hey.

<correct!>

Last edited by barnacle; 02/01/2009 16:14. Reason: tsk tsk tsk
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: Gunzi] #737979
02/01/2009 16:11
02/01/2009 16:11
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 3,004
Leeds
M
MattM Offline OP
I need some sleep
MattM  Offline OP
I need some sleep
M

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 3,004
Leeds
 Originally Posted By: Gunzi
Two elephants walk off a cliff

Boom Boom


Two Elephants and a snake are sat in a tree.
The branch snaps and they hit the floor

Boom Boom Hissss

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #738001
02/01/2009 16:29
02/01/2009 16:29

B
belfastjohn
Unregistered
belfastjohn
Unregistered
B




A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequeing some juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm.

They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said:
You were born Protestant.
You were raised Protestant.
But now you are Catholic!

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying:
You were born a cow.
You were raised a cow.
But now you are fish!




I also came across this joke:

A man in Ireland walked down an alley. Suddenly, he was surrounded by a gang of six men carrying knives. One of them said "Catholic or Protestant?". Wisely, the man replied "I'm an athiest." Replied the gangster "Catholic athiest or Protestant athiest?".

Just about any immigrant who's lived in N Ireland in the past 40 yrs will no thats actually a reality

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #738053
02/01/2009 17:45
02/01/2009 17:45
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
Paul_V Offline
Competition Level
Paul_V  Offline
Competition Level

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
Boots have got tampax on special offer.

Limited period only

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: Paul_V] #738059
02/01/2009 17:58
02/01/2009 17:58

T
TbirdX
Unregistered
TbirdX
Unregistered
T



Exit signs, are they on the way out?

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #738077
02/01/2009 18:26
02/01/2009 18:26

T
TbirdX
Unregistered
TbirdX
Unregistered
T



Why does the bride always wear white?
Kitchen appliances are always that colour.

Don't be sexist, the birds hate that.

What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice Crispies.

What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet.
Sorted.

The trouble with the French is they have no word for entrepreneur.

What do you call an Irishman who steals your pint?
Nick McGuinness.

How many pyschoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
How many do you think it takes?

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #738079
02/01/2009 18:28
02/01/2009 18:28
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
Paul_V Offline
Competition Level
Paul_V  Offline
Competition Level

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
Why did the rudeboy get lost in the jungle?

'cus jungles massive innit..

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #738081
02/01/2009 18:34
02/01/2009 18:34

B
belfastjohn
Unregistered
belfastjohn
Unregistered
B



 Originally Posted By: TbirdX


How many pyschoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
How many do you think it takes?




None the light needs to want to change itself

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #738088
02/01/2009 18:45
02/01/2009 18:45

P
Piers
Unregistered
Piers
Unregistered
P



How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but it will take 20 episodes

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #738116
02/01/2009 19:33
02/01/2009 19:33
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 5,294
Portsmouth
A
ali_hire Offline
Forum is my life
ali_hire  Offline
Forum is my life
A

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 5,294
Portsmouth
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two but you'll never get them out again!

(shamelessly stolen from someone on here ages ago)

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ali_hire] #738138
02/01/2009 19:55
02/01/2009 19:55

B
belfastjohn
Unregistered
belfastjohn
Unregistered
B



how many vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN!!! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!!!!!

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #738140
02/01/2009 19:57
02/01/2009 19:57

P
proccy
Unregistered
proccy
Unregistered
P



why does it take 10 women with pmt to change a lightbulb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.BECAUSE IT FCUKKING DOES!!!!!

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #738147
02/01/2009 20:05
02/01/2009 20:05
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,887
Cumbria
flyingcustard Offline
My life on the forum
flyingcustard  Offline
My life on the forum

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,887
Cumbria
How do you get Pikachu on a bus?
Pokemon


Plus/LE33

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: flyingcustard] #738148
02/01/2009 20:07
02/01/2009 20:07

B
belfastjohn
Unregistered
belfastjohn
Unregistered
B



how do you make a dead baby float



two scoops icecream, one scoop of dead baby

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #738154
02/01/2009 20:22
02/01/2009 20:22
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 369
Reigate, Surrey
ikon Offline
Making a profit
ikon  Offline
Making a profit

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 369
Reigate, Surrey
whats got two legs and bleeds alot?????



half a dog :-)


Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #738162
02/01/2009 20:37
02/01/2009 20:37
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,144
Southampton, Hants
Roadking Offline
Club member 1809
Roadking  Offline
Club member 1809
Forum is my life

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,144
Southampton, Hants
 Originally Posted By: belfastjohn
how do you make a dead baby float



two scoops icecream, one scoop of dead baby




What's the differance between a bucket full of sand, and a bucket full of afterbirth?


You can't gargle with sand.


"RK's way seems the most sensible to me". ali_hire 16 Dec 2010
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: Roadking] #738170
02/01/2009 20:48
02/01/2009 20:48
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 33,521
Berlin
barnacle Offline
Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
barnacle  Offline
Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
Forum Demigod

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 33,521
Berlin
 Originally Posted By: The Management
You agree, through your use of this service, that you will not use this Forum to post any material which is knowingly false and/or defamatory. Users will also refrain from posting anything that is, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane, sexually oriented, threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, or otherwise in violation of any law. You also agree not to post any copyrighted material unless the copyright is owned by you or by this Forum.


Careful, boys... let's not get carried away...


[Linked Image]
Don't get no respect! Coupe Fiat 1994-2000 - an owner's guide <-- clicky!
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: barnacle] #738174
02/01/2009 20:50
02/01/2009 20:50
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 17,114
FCSS 01684 593187
Countrycruising Offline
Club Rep Europe, member 914
Countrycruising  Offline
Club Rep Europe, member 914
Forum veteran

Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 17,114
FCSS 01684 593187
I fear this thread can only get worse \:s

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: Countrycruising] #738176
02/01/2009 20:56
02/01/2009 20:56
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 33,521
Berlin
barnacle Offline
Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
barnacle  Offline
Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
Forum Demigod

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 33,521
Berlin
If it does, it'll get nuked. It's happened before.


[Linked Image]
Don't get no respect! Coupe Fiat 1994-2000 - an owner's guide <-- clicky!
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: barnacle] #738188
02/01/2009 21:05
02/01/2009 21:05

E
Enforcer
Unregistered
Enforcer
Unregistered
E



Neil - loosen up. We all love you, but really, ... no, I won't elaborate.

Happy new year everyone.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: barnacle] #738190
02/01/2009 21:06
02/01/2009 21:06
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,144
Southampton, Hants
Roadking Offline
Club member 1809
Roadking  Offline
Club member 1809
Forum is my life

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,144
Southampton, Hants
How many C&W musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb, and three to write a song about how much they miss the old one!

(AFAIK not copyrighted!).


"RK's way seems the most sensible to me". ali_hire 16 Dec 2010
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: ] #738191
02/01/2009 21:07
02/01/2009 21:07

B
belfastjohn
Unregistered
belfastjohn
Unregistered
B



how many fccuk mods does it take to change a light bulb?

None, the lightbulb wont be changed, it will be deleted

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