Extract from tony bliars book.

I had regularly started jogging out of Downing Street. On each run I happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension I would brace myself as I approached her for what was most certainly to follow "£50 quid!" she would shout from the kerb. "50p!" I fired back. This ritual between myself and the hooker continued daily.

One day however Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany me on my jog. As we jogged nearer the problematic street corner, I realised the "pro" would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what I'd really been doing on all my past outings. I realised I’d need to have a damn good explanation for my illustrious lawyer wife. As we jogged into the turn that would take us past the corner, I became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. I tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair of us jog past.

Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled,

"See you tight git, thats what you get for 50p?"

That joke is so old its whiskers have all grown up, got married, and had children

A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"

"He turned blue, and shit on the carpet."

The strangest thing that happened to me when I worked at the United Nations was the time I got asked to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.

I picked up the phone. "Kofi," I said, "right now the only one I can think of is 'oceanic'"

My mate just sent me a link about a butler thats gone missing.

Nothing happened though, it kept saying "Server Not Found."

Don't forget Comic Relief this year. Just £5 could help a disabled African learn to tell the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend...

Interviewer: "Give me three words that best describe you."

Job Candidate: "Violent when disappointed."

Tom and Dick are comparing notes on their summer holiday.

"I was staying in a hotel in Poole," says Tom.

"In Dorset?" asks Dick.

"Certainly," says Tom. "I'd recommend it to anyone."

I read in the paper that there are up to 100,000 battered women in the UK each year.

And all this time I've been eating them raw.

I got stopped by a copper while I was going along the M6. I stopped, opened the window and he said "This is a spot check," so I replied "I've got 2 blackheads and a boil on my arse"

I'm a plasterer and I'd just finished a job up North when the bloke rang me back again and said, "mate, your plaster's f**king crackin'!"

I replied, "cheers! Recommend me to all your friends."

When I was at the garden centre today I asked for something herby. .

They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:
"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In Israel they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

The stunning blonde, dressed in nothing more than a thong and negligee, let the plumber in.

"Hello, is your husband not in?" he asked,

"Does it look like he is in?" she replied, opening her negligee. "Will I not do?"

"No, not really," he said. "I need your car reversing out of the drive."

"How's the diet going?" I asked my buddy.

"Not good." he sighed, "I had eggs for breakfast this morning."

"Oh dear." I sympathized, "Fried?"

"Cadbury's."

I bought a trampoline but there's absolutely no bounciness to it.

Plus the legs are on the wrong way round.

As I put steak, home-made chips and some coleslaw down on the table in front of my wife last night, she looked at me with a big smile.

"Paul, are you feeling okay?" she giggled. "I've got to text the girls and tell them about this!"

"Hurry up then," I said. "You're sitting in my seat."

I answered the phone today and all I heard was sneezing.

Bloody cold callers.

A guy at work jumped off the top of our building today.

It took some skill to land within the chalk lines.

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?


I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face.

Only joking I'm not blonde, so

And your little sports car isn't red.

What did the saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
"If we don't get some support people are going to think we're nuts".

My dyslexic mate got all angry when he'd tried texting me a crap joke and I replied with, "Bdum Tish."

He said, "Don't call me a dumb shit!"

I've just got a job testing hover boards.

Money's crap, but it keeps me off the streets.

Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory. The manager asks, "Have you worked with chemicals before?"
Paddy replies, "Yes."
The manager then asks, "Can you tell me what nitrate is?"
Paddy replies, "Yes, it's time and a half."

I needed to pee very badly earlier, so I went in an alleyway, the police were nearby, so I quickly urinated in a can.

I was arrested for possession of cannapiss.

Where Fred Astaire danced down the steps, his son Stan just slowly carried an old woman up them.

Yesterday, a Lumberjack slipped and cut into his leg with a chainsaw.

He lost a lot of blood, but although they managed to stem the flow, paramedics say he is still not out of the woods yet.