Now, if you are like me, not a day goes past without some unwelcome email telling me about either: a) some amazing financial opportunity I cannot miss; or b) offering assistance with my virility.

Hmmm…

Bear with me…

On Saturday 7 June, I am going to be cycling around the Isle of Wight with a group of finely honed athletes (ahem) riding with “Team Entertainer”. We are participating in the Toy Trust Isle Of Wight Big Challenge 2014: raising funds for the Toy Trust, on the Isle of Wight, in 2014 (the clues were all there, if you looked closely – promise!).

Okay, I bore with you, and whilst I fear I am going to regret the answer, tell me, how are these things connected?

Now whilst sitting on a saddle for 80 miles is probably not going to help anyone’s virility, it does create a financial opportunity of growth on your ‘investment’ of 150%!

Tell me more!

Well if you pay at least basic rate income tax, there's gift aid tax relief, which will add 25p on to every pound ‘invested’.

Okay, that’s 25%, but you said 150%

The Entertainer toyshops will be doubling what you invest.

That’s awesome! How quickly can I get my investment back?

Ah, well, you don’t. Instead your entire investment will go to Whizz-Kidz, who provide wheelchairs and other specialist equipment for profoundly disabled UK children in addition to training and support services to families, changing lives. See www.whizz-kidz.org.uk for more details on their work.

Okay, I’m persuaded. Where do I sign up for this once in a lifetime opportunity?

The easiest way to make an investment is at www.virginmoneygiving.com/team/Entertainer2014. All Team Entertainer are using this site, so if you have a particularly focused message for me (which I fear some of you may have), just bear that in mind!

I will write up my account of the day. I lost rode round the Isle of Wight 2 years ago, when my bike turned into a pedalo as I trudged through a monsoon – it were ‘orrible. I hope it is not like that again, but will let you know whether those who have now started doing a rain dance got their steps right!

Many thanks, indeed

Mark

A quick update:

First of all, many thanks indeed for all the kind messages of support and donations. We are creeping ever nearer our target.

With two days to go, the last bit of hard training has been done. It’s now just some final gentle spins on the bike and trying to be disciplined enough to eat the sort of things I should eat (not sure our Mean Red Spider would commend yesterday’s menu of ice-cream and pizza (courtesy of an incredibly clever oven that is able to effortlessly burn the top whilst leaving the base uncooked).

I should say a hearty congratulations to those who did the rain dance - you have (very annoyingly) perfected the steps. The forecast is that it is going to be lovely and sunny today and tomorrow and then on the Saturday it is going to be heavy rain for the entire duration. So, yeah, cheers, much appreciated, give yourselves a pat on the back. Mudguards now fitted and flippers and snorkel packed. I suppose it is only fair that those supporting get their money’s worth and me having a thoroughly unpleasant time is something you feel is worth a farthing or two.

I will be starting the ride just after 8am. We will be riding as a team – encouraging each other as the drips trickle inside our shoes and down the back of our necks, with a cheery cry of “whose stupid idea was this?” as we mend our umpteenth puncture.

I suggest the more sensible of you stay indoors, pour yourselves a nice glass of wine, look out of the window occasionally and chuckle!

I will let you know how we get on!

Dear All,

As feeble as my efforts are compared to Mean Red Spider's AD6 venture, I am reporting back as promised on Saturday’s events.

The forecast had been pretty consistent, but that did not stop me forlornly checking every hour or so leading up to the ride just in case the forecast improved… which it eventually did, a bit (just before heading out it said we were now still looking at heavy rain and storms but they would stop at about 2pm.)

After a dreadful night’s sleep, I really was not feeling at my best in the morning. An unsuccessful attempt to make a slice of toast (first time bread, second time charcoal) did not bode well and I felt unable to eat it even after I had scraped the soot off it. Started to feel much better once I got out in the fresh air. After the safety briefing (at least I assume it was, to be frank I couldn’t really hear a word being said – it could equally have been a recipe for noodle soup or asking who had been responsible for the smell of burning toast) we all lined up.

We had a separate team of runners and walkers. There were 6 of us in the cycling team. Myself, Gary G, Gary R, Graham, Stevie and Steve.

Over 200 people were taking part, all people connected with the toy industry. The teams set off in alphabetical order. Last year it was reverse alphabetical order – so applying “E” for “Entertainer” they departed towards the end. This year to be fair, they went in alphabetical order and, applying “T” for “The Entertainer”, we again ended up towards the end. Sensing a conspiracy, a stewards’ enquiry launched by Gary G was unsuccessful.

The ride was all about making it to the end, rather than it being a race. That was just as well bearing in mind some of the things conspiring to try and stop people finishing. More about that later.

Off we trot, or rather pedal. Partway up the first hill and then I have to stop to help a couple of people riding for other teams who did not know how their gears worked on their shiny new bikes (!) So maybe not the most prepared they could have been.

Anyway, it was dry at first, just a few gentle cooling drops. As we approached Cowes the ominous rumble of thunder and appearance of lightning heralded the skies opening. Taking the chain ferry across Cowes provided a bit of cover. After a couple of hours (much earlier than forecast) it stopped. At this point I confess to feeling pretty chuffed. The weather had done its worst, it was better than expected, my waterproof top pretty much did its job, and waterproof socks and overshoes meant feet stayed dry. Others participants were a bit squelchier!

It then starts warming up. Off with the waterproof, a quick change of socks and off again.

I should mention that one of the team having trusted Halfords to service his bike found that they had decided he only really needed one wheel. Unicycling up the hills was a challenge too far, although 10/10 for him giving it a go. We were able to fix Halfords errors and get him two wheels back. Bearing in mind the rain, and quite rough terrain 2 punctures for 6 of us means we got off lightly.

Cramp was also causing problems to a number in our team, but with grim determination all rode through the pain, including the mile long steep ascent up Blackgang Chine (there were definitely no quitters in the team). That said, you’ve demonstrated a fair bit of stamina by reading this far… nearly there!

Sadly, the signposting wasn’t great. Some was missing and some young scamps had changed a couple of them sending many people the wrong way (including the rest of my team). I had dropped back to massage a gentleman’s thighs, as you do, and managed to go the right way (which will astonish anyone who has ever relied upon me for directions!) but sadly not the same way as my team – who as well as my had various cars trying to (unsuccessfully) track them down. The exquisite irony of my managing to get the direction right and it still being wrong is not lost on me (and I expect others reading this).

I had been pushing myself up the hills, including re-doing a couple of the tougher ones, and was clocking up bonus miles looking for my team. I ended up doing quite a bit more than the normal total and the last hour was quite tough. Taking wrong turns through poor signposting was frustrating and legs were getting tired. The sun was now very strong and I had no protection on my arms and legs. I could feel myself sizzling (and at the end my limbs were cooked much more successfully than my toast had been, and indeed a better job than my oven did on my pizza). After failing to track the rest of the team down and worrying they would be waiting for me, I ended up blitzing it to the end and finishing up on my own – to then find the rest of the team had finished about an hour earlier. On the other hand, the subsequent guilt trip got me a beer, so all is well.

It was a privilege to meet and do the ride with a great bunch of people. I don’t know if I will get the chance to do it again (their decision to abandon me may have been a subtle hint!) but it was a great occasion. We also discovered a number of different ways of setting up a bike rack on a car (with varying degrees of success) and at one point a sock was involved – the mind boggles!

More importantly, Team Entertainer have so far raised nearly £30,000 and the event itself has raised about £180,000.

To see how this will change lives, click on this link http://www.whizz-kidz.org.uk/ and watch the short film.

Many thanks

Mark

Well done Mark; I think you need a Dutch multinational to organise the next one to get the best from your excellent efforts!

Good stuff!

well done Mark .

Exhausting reading Well done for seeing it all through!

Well done, Mark - it's a slippery slope and, before you know it, you'll be at the bottom of an Alp lined up with 5,500 Dutch people!!!

Well done.