Dear friends,
Dalston, Carlisle. Dateline: November 16th 2005. Adrian Flux insure my car for £350 fully comp.
August Bank Holiday 2006. Move to
Beruit Liverpool. Adrian Flux says to inform them when coupe is in Liverpool as Norwich Union refuse to cover me at my new address. Decide to leave the coupe in local garage secure lock-up until year on NCB is up and inform Flux.
Ten days later letter arrives. Flux have cancelled insurance despite agreeing to wait meaning I've lost ten months NCB as only full 12 month periods count.
Footman James insure me as Flux wanted £880. Footman insure me for £650 fc. High but understandable due to shakey post code.
Fast forward to November last. Saab 9000 2.3t takes over NCB of coupe as need cruiser for job hunting. £750 fc. Favourable rate would be forthcoming as 'mirrored deal' offered. How much for two cars with FJ? £750 for Saab, £880 for coupe!
Argue, argue, argue. Cajole, argue - no chance.
New season arrives. Three years' NCB. License has just 3 points. Locked, alarmed garage. Clifford 650 alarm. Minefields, machine gun towers, regular overflights of Commanche gunships and two divisions of SAS and US Rangers plus a coterie of heavily armed Ninjas..........
Unable to insure due to postcode indicating less than two miles from Croxteth.
Can cancel insurance from Saab to put onto coupe but with no MOT and tax difficult to arrange so no Brooklands, Bristol etc.
Dateline: Saturday 10th May 2008. 23:00pm. New search portal claiming 98% UK insurance market coverage.
Two quotes: one from INsure, one from Kwik-fit.
INsure is £638 and Kwik-fit £575.
Monday 12th 9:30am. Ring KF. Idiot savant on end of phone says 'quote' is just a guide price.
Why bother? Real quote, when I've declared my chrome wheels, £1,273.
Thank the chump profusely for wasting my time and phone a company called Connect who's aussie contact says they can help.
First call is a forgettable mouthbreathing troglodytic female who repeatedly asks me which version of my coupe I have. 20valve 2.0litre I say. She says "Is it the two-door or the four-door?". After four slow and deliberate explanations of how my coupe was only built with two doors as were all others, and having listened to her subsequently repeat her question and resolving not to find out her address and use her headphone cord as a ligature, I hang up.
Ten minutes later I get Mister Australia from Connect asking me how well I fared.
Unfortunately, to my eternal regret, I told him.
Breath deeply: chill, chill, chill.
After three vallium tabs kick in he phones back. Try Swinton, he says.
Guy at Swinton recognises he has a very deeply disturbed person on the line. Speaks very slowly and gently as if he can see my trusty chrome-plated Remington 9mm pressed against my temple.
Can I wait for 10 minutes while he finds a quote?
I reply in the affirmative, clicking my toenail clippers near to the mouthpiece. He scuttles off.
True to his word he returns 10 minutes later.
Fully comp, £500 excess, £60 glass excess - £211 via Chaucer as a classic. If only 1,500 miles they offer £191.
Cue sound of limb being torn from socket.
Now all I have to do is repeat the last 3 months trials next year.
Knitting spaghetti would be a simple affair to this ......................
