Somewhere, sitting in his living room, a man named Colin [cloud9] tearfully realises that his name is an anagram of Neil Warnock.

It was reported last night that Beyonce is in fact the love child of the late and great record breakers presenter, Roy Castle.

A spokesperson from Beyonce's record company has said that she is pleased by the recent discovery, but will not be taking her newly discovered father's surname.

Bert and Mabel were having breakfast one morning when Bert says "Mabel, regarding our 50th Wedding Anniversary later this year, I've been saving up to buy you a special present - but I'm a bit stumped to know what you would best like. Can you think about it and let me know?" "Within reason, money's no object"

A few days later Mabel gets back to Bert and says "Bert, what I'd really like is a 'tidy-up' plastic surgery job on my undercarriage. After four kids plus fifty years of your servicing it's got rather slack and I'd like it returned to how it used to be". "Mabel" says Bert, "that's an excellent idea - let's do it".

So it was all arranged for a private plastic surgery hospital to do the work and the day of the operation came.

After the op Mabel was wheeled back into her private room and saw three big bunches of flowers plus cards.

"They're lovely" she said to the nurse - "who are they from?"

The nurse read the first card - "It's from your husband Bert with all his love and wishing you a speedy recovery."

"The second is from your children saying likewise."

"The third is from Nikki Lauder thanking you for his new ears."

Bought some aftershave with a credit card last week. Now there's lots of dodgy transactions on my account

I think my card's been cologned

Police have removed a large amount of material from a house belonging to Cliff Richard. Lets hope it's only child porn and not a new album!

3 men were talking in a bar, gloating about their various successes with women. The first man said:

"I've got 10 wives, one more and I'll have a football team!"

"That's nothing" said the second man "I've got 14 wives, I'll have a rugby team if I get another!"

After a moment's silence the third man puts down his drink and says:
"Well lads, I've got 17 wives, one more and I'll have a golf course."

Johnny and his mate were invited to a fancy dress party but it had a theme!
You have to come as an emotion!

Johnny and his mate turn up and knock on the door
The host answers the door and sees them.....

Johnny and his mate are totally naked except johnny is standing there with his knob inside a pear and his mate has his knob in a bowl of custard

What are you two weirdos doing

Well it's fancy dress and we came as an emotion so
I have "cum" in "dis-pear" and my mate is fu@king "dis-custurd"!

I do have to remind myself at regular intervals that this is a crap joke thread.

Fair play!

Another mate arrived with his penis stuck in a spud... as a dictator.

I asked my secretary if she had a dictaphone, but no, I had to use my finger like everybody else.

I’ve just picked up an injury doing an impression of a tea bag.
I knew I shouldn’t have strained myself.

Arnold Schwarzenegger didn’t get any Easter eggs this year. His wife asked him “Does this mean you hate Easter now, Arnie?”
He replied “Ah still love Easter baby”.

I was caught stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

My friend is in love with two schoolbags. I think he might be bisatchel.

I thought it was a violent murder when i saw the Headline....

"Young lad tossed of Cliff!"

Just goes to show you never know what dangers are lurking in the shadows

I reckon I heard this 'joke' 35 years ago when I was at school......

Speech therapist

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting no where with her
"Stammerers Action Group".
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said,

"If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of the town where you were born I will have wild and passionate sex with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."

"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

"That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish."

"How about you, Paddy?"

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
" London ."

"Brilliant, Paddy!" said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said.....

"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

Another old one:


A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+Tourist: $5.00

+Boiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $15.00

+Baked Politician $100.00


The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh1t it takes all morning."

Why did the scarecrow attend the Nobel awards?






Because he was out standing in his field.

I went to the book store earlier to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere.
Well played Wally, well played.

A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Lock your dog and your wife/girlfriend in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

I've just had 40 winks on the train...
I knew I shouldn't have worn this pink t-shirt.

I was driving on the motorway last week when I noticed a sign that said "Turn off - 500 metres".
Sure enough, 500 metres later, on the side of the road was my Granny with no knickers, lifting up her dress.

First woman on the Moon:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."

I went to the pet shop to buy some breeding birds.
The cashier said, "Have you got a store card?"
I said, "No, but I did get a budgie excited once."

I've just started dating a girl called Peg
I met her online

I could tell you the one about the woman who was given solid oak breast implants.

But to be funny such a joke would have to have a punch line -wooden tit?

A man walks into a bank wanting to open an account.

He says to the cashier, 'Oi bastard, I want to open an account.'

The cashier replies, 'Very well sir, but please, stop swearing.'

The man says, 'Listen you bastard, just open the account for me!'

The cashier says, 'Sir, I am more than happy to help you, but if you could just please kindly stop swearing!'

The manager overhears the commotion and walks over. 'Is everything ok here?' he asks.

'I want to open an account but this bastard isn't helping me!' exclaims the man.

The manager says, 'I'm sure we can do that for you sir, but I'll have to ask you to please refrain from using bad language. Thank you. Now sir, how much are you wanting to open the account with today?'

'£26 million,' replies the man.

The manager says, 'And this bastard isn't helping you?'

Low cal wafer!

http://loltheists.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/i-cant-believe-its-not-Jesus.jpg

Frank Perdue approached the Pope and made the following offer. If the Catholic Church would officially change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken", then Perdue Chicken would donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.

Two weeks later, Perdue approached the Pope again. This time, he raised the offer to 50 million dollars. Again, the Pope declined.

A month later he offers 100 million, and this time, the Pope accepts.

At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

Yesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer.