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Somebody give this guy a job! #1359721
12/07/2012 22:46
12/07/2012 22:46
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,546
Northumberland
A
AndrewR Offline OP
I AM a Coop
AndrewR  Offline OP
I AM a Coop
A

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,546
Northumberland
At work today, returning to my desk after a short meeting, I found an open letter lying there. As my office is the only one on the ground floor the post and parcels do tend to get dropped off there, not normally opened, however.

The envelope had no address on, and a home-made wax seal on the reverse. Taking it out I was greeted with a badly photocopied letter, with a hand-drawn border around the text (including the word "ROSE" in large letters at the bottom right of both of its pages), several places where the printed text had obviously been Tippexed out and over-written prior to photocopying, some sort of crests at the beginning and end which had been scribbled out with permanent marker, again pre-photocopying, and the text below.

Before you read, two things:

1. I do feel sorry for this guy - he's obviously got some serious skills, but writing really isn't one of them. I wish him luck in his job hunt, but...

2. This is brilliant - by far the best CV I have ever received, or ever will. Please don't "TL;DNR" - this really is worth 5 minutes to go through.

Aside from a few comments from me in [square brackets] this is word for word, punctuation mark for punctuation mark, how his letter reads:

Originally Posted By: A job-seeker
Dear sirs,

I am a time served Plumbing and Heating Engineer and specialise In numerous areas appertaining to plumbing and heating, which I covered to the highest standards as stated under JIB apprenticeship whilst working for Smith and Knoll (sub-contractors), 17 Black Murton Street, Sunderland during a 5 year apprenticeship starting in 1973. I obtained all my indentures and documents and agreements in accordance with JIB rules and regulations Plumbing and Building Trades Federation, 82 New Cavendish Street, London, these can be found attached to my medical records at Hendon Health Centre, Sunderland, this was for insurance cover whilst serving my apprenticeship and also when I came out of my time and this payment was made annually. In addition to my apprenticeship I completed another 2 years to become a Master Plumber for England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales stated within the Federation. To enable me to obtain my Mastership, I was passed by Masters as mentioned in the Old English dictionary. I achieved my mastership whilst working on churches to Cathedrals in accordance with the laws and layout of both inside and outside including the grounds and monuments covering the complete history of plumbing which is dated back to Roman times, even to the set out of the stain glass windows – to the reading of the windows and the layout of the colours and lead work which is part of a master plumbers trade. Within learning the tools and the use within the historical factors dating back to Roman times. In respect of masters within the different religions and the old arts and crafts which you then teach to apprentices. Tools were passed down to me from masters of different trades and their marks of respect within their countries. The old arts and crafts can be used in painting of colours on buildings relation to the first colours in history.

I also covered regulations and the law to government health department specialising in different departments, levels and standards including safety fire regulations, dentistry, laboratories, ROC airproducts, explosions and investigations for insurance purposes and insurance checks within regulations for building standards. I also worked to the standard necessary to meet quality and cost efficiency required by architects and other trades which I was passed by the Federations. I have worked on all types of buildings and have been passed by different trades to become a Master Builder myself, trades that included Joinery, Electrical, Plastering, Painting and Decorating, Bricklaying etc., Upholstery, Furniture Restoration, French Polishing using old stains and varnishes using specialised tools appertaining to history, DIY, arts to cost efficiency within buildings, I am also qualified in fitting and turning using a variety of metals including forge work using wrought iron both old and new , electronics to different levels, I am also Corgi gas registered and CITB and BPEC laws to manufacturers regulations to modifications to both old and new standards.

I have worked in Police stations and Fire stations schools both private and local authorities, day nurseries, various colleges, hospitals both private and NHS, Dental practices again both private and NHS for which I have had personal use, family practitioners, dentists society, law society, social security and other departments, breweries, bingo halls, factories such as Dunlop, Mill Garages, Dewhirst butchers, Millbourns, Roots, shops, restaurants and café, armed forces clubs, nursing colleges, post offices, hairdressers and barbers, different unions, ABTA, working men’s clubs, private clubs, sporting venues, bakeries, museums etc., Water companies, British Telecom and the Gas company including the Sunderland and Shields water company, using their departments and equipment, houses, pumping stations, water testing, soil, waste and water pressures in accordance to bye-laws, within standards to spring water, water tables and civil engineering. I was also awarded certificates and test documents from the electricity board myself, I also worked for Sunderland Shipbuilders etc., and oil refineries on the docks, and petrol stations, Crown House and departments within local government, housing sites, hotels, Institute for the blind, Special Needs and workshops, Remploy, old peoples houses such as Churchill house, Lord Court, catholic schools etc., children’s homes, Jewish homes including [illegible] Interact etc., Coal Board, miners rest homes, workshops, public houses football clubs including Sunderland Football Club, Cricket Clubs, Prison Services, Eagle Star, printers including Reids and Vedrapack, clothing factories, pharmacies, covering tests which are carried out to laws to British standard which is universal to cover cost efficiency to consumer specifications within different contracts, which is covered in respect to the different aspects of work and insurance to building and factory acts under the guidelines and standards, working on banks such as Barclays, TSB etc., building societies working alongside their own architects, YMCA, YWCA, women’s institute, hostels, English heritage, salvation army.

My wife worked for Doxford Engine Works, using secretarial skills which she obtained at Monkwearmouth College of Further Education and had endorsements from Royal Society of Arts and Northern Counties examinations to the highest standard possible at 86 wpm for her typing skills, she also worked for Bard International, Sunderland Football Club, and a Travel Company from the years 1974 – 1980, when she left employment to raise our family comprising of 4 children – 2 girls and 2 boys. While raising our children she also took up childminding, which took a year to complete the very thorough checks which were made by police and fire departments also medical checks were made to ensure safety of children placed in her care, this took one year to complete these tests alone, she was registered in Sunderland to do so, from our home at [address]. Now the children are growing up she has returned to full time work and works as a Resource Area Assistant, where she does the day to day running of a library and is in charge of 12 computers at [school] where she can be contacted any time between 9am and 4pm on extension no [xxx] (telephone number is stated at the top of this letter).

I have also taught various trades with special needs in colleges i.e. Finchale Training College mental institution companies that [illegible] on a voluntary basis. I have built sets for school productions and video events to raise money for schools and places for twenty years within the North East and other countries, and living with families in Nessebar, Bulgaria who were intending to come to visit Great Britain in 1990. My interests include music, cookery, arts, outdoor activities i.e. canoeing, fell walking, camping, swimming and safety, mountain rescue and travel. I would be willing to undertake any form of training you feel appropriate. I can work anywhere, however I would require help with accommodation either with a family or whatever.

I look forward to hearing from, I am,

Yours faithfully,


Amazing, truly amazing.

So, any job offers coming his way?


Dear monos, a secret truth.
Re: Somebody give this guy a job! [Re: AndrewR] #1359723
12/07/2012 22:54
12/07/2012 22:54

M
MickeyBravo20v
Unregistered
MickeyBravo20v
Unregistered
M



he's had more jobs than ive had hot dinners laugh laugh

Re: Somebody give this guy a job! [Re: AndrewR] #1359729
12/07/2012 23:05
12/07/2012 23:05
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,546
Northumberland
A
AndrewR Offline OP
I AM a Coop
AndrewR  Offline OP
I AM a Coop
A

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,546
Northumberland
I don't have a scanner at the moment, unfortunately, but here's a photo of the original letter, so you can see it in all of its glory...

click to enlarge


Dear monos, a secret truth.
Re: Somebody give this guy a job! [Re: AndrewR] #1359732
12/07/2012 23:10
12/07/2012 23:10
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,016
ation
szkom Offline
Club member 2000
szkom  Offline
Club member 2000
Forum is my life

Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,016
ation
So the guy's a plumber who specialises in plumbing?

It's a shame really as he appears to have a lot going on in terms of skills and experience. I do wonder sometimes if people either don't know or don't care when they write. I can't imagine anyone would send off for a job without having somebody read over it first.

Re: Somebody give this guy a job! [Re: AndrewR] #1359737
12/07/2012 23:15
12/07/2012 23:15
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,016
ation
szkom Offline
Club member 2000
szkom  Offline
Club member 2000
Forum is my life

Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,016
ation
Were you impressed with the letter on the desk approach btw?

Re: Somebody give this guy a job! [Re: AndrewR] #1359740
12/07/2012 23:17
12/07/2012 23:17
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,620
S Wales
chrissy Offline
Tourque Italia member!
chrissy  Offline
Tourque Italia member!
Forum is my job

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,620
S Wales
Had he previously lived in Sunderland? smile

Nothing like this pops up to entartain me!

Hilarious - Totally

Re: Somebody give this guy a job! [Re: AndrewR] #1359744
12/07/2012 23:20
12/07/2012 23:20

M
MickeyBravo20v
Unregistered
MickeyBravo20v
Unregistered
M



no lol Gone to all that effort to write such a statement and he doesnt hand it to someone in charge by hand himself.

Re: Somebody give this guy a job! [Re: AndrewR] #1359746
12/07/2012 23:26
12/07/2012 23:26
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,546
Northumberland
A
AndrewR Offline OP
I AM a Coop
AndrewR  Offline OP
I AM a Coop
A

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,546
Northumberland
Sorry, I meant to solve the "letter open on my desk" mystery in my original post.

The letter had been posted through our door, unopened, and our MD was the first person to notice it lying on the mat. He opened it, took one look and thought, "Andrew's going to love this!"

Hence it ending up on my desk.


Dear monos, a secret truth.
Re: Somebody give this guy a job! [Re: AndrewR] #1359747
12/07/2012 23:30
12/07/2012 23:30
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 702
Cornwall
jasgol Offline
Enjoying the ride
jasgol  Offline
Enjoying the ride

Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 702
Cornwall
I really like the 'or whatever' right at the end, like he'd given up with the bulls**t.
All in all, quite bizarre.


Horsing around's a serious business.
Re: Somebody give this guy a job! [Re: AndrewR] #1359749
12/07/2012 23:36
12/07/2012 23:36

M
MickeyBravo20v
Unregistered
MickeyBravo20v
Unregistered
M



laugh

Re: Somebody give this guy a job! [Re: AndrewR] #1359755
13/07/2012 00:03
13/07/2012 00:03

F
FreakinFreak
Unregistered
FreakinFreak
Unregistered
F



The bloke's not a plumber, he's an artist - has a weird knd of Alasdair Gray thing going on, overly historical with crazy paving.

Re: Somebody give this guy a job! [Re: AndrewR] #1359806
13/07/2012 09:37
13/07/2012 09:37
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 16,603
Corridor of Uncertainty
J
Jim_Clennell Offline
Forum veteran
Jim_Clennell  Offline
Forum veteran
J

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 16,603
Corridor of Uncertainty
I tell you what, he should be applying to places like English Heritage or the National Trust, somewhere where his grasp of the history of plumbing combined with his (pretty evident) practical skills would be invaluable.
I must say, I never knew that plumbers historically dealt with the leadwork in stained glass. Makes perfect sense - particularly given the linguistics - but I never put the two together.

That's an extraordinary document, Andrew, he might be the Fred Dibnah of plumbing! (And I don't mean dead...) Call BBC 4!

Re: Somebody give this guy a job! [Re: AndrewR] #1359825
13/07/2012 10:16
13/07/2012 10:16
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 8,417
Lightwater, Surrey
DaveG Offline
Club Treasurer Member 311
DaveG  Offline
Club Treasurer Member 311
Je suis un Coupé

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 8,417
Lightwater, Surrey
What's almost as amazing is that Andrew typed that all in word for work, comma for comma, etc. Surely Andrew needs another job to reward all that dedication and enthusiasm?!


1996 Portofino 20vt & 2000 Pearl White Plus
1985½ & 2016 2017 Fiat 124 Spider + XF Sportbrake
Re: Somebody give this guy a job! [Re: AndrewR] #1359832
13/07/2012 10:27
13/07/2012 10:27

N
Nobby
Unregistered
Nobby
Unregistered
N



It does help if you read it in a broad northern accent laugh

Re: Somebody give this guy a job! [Re: AndrewR] #1359844
13/07/2012 11:20
13/07/2012 11:20

T
Turbo_Verde
Unregistered
Turbo_Verde
Unregistered
T



A brillaint read on a Friday. He really should get a job working or maintaining a historical building I would think.

Re: Somebody give this guy a job! [Re: ] #1359863
13/07/2012 11:58
13/07/2012 11:58
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 32,122
Cumbria
stan Offline
Dr. Frankenstan
stan  Offline
Dr. Frankenstan
Forum Demigod

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 32,122
Cumbria
Originally Posted By: Turbo_Verde
A brillaint read on a Friday. He really should get a job working or maintaining a historical building I would think.



You mean like Andrew's wallet? After all it has remained hidden for so long it has attained mythical status, never mind historical! laugh


[Linked Image]
Re: Somebody give this guy a job! [Re: ] #1359872
13/07/2012 12:14
13/07/2012 12:14
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,462
Ipswich 06/08/2002
Ed Offline
My job on the forum
Ed  Offline
My job on the forum

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,462
Ipswich 06/08/2002
Any chance of an audiobook version Andrew?!


[Linked Image]
Join the club @ www.fccuk.org
Re: Somebody give this guy a job! [Re: AndrewR] #1359874
13/07/2012 12:21
13/07/2012 12:21
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,546
Northumberland
A
AndrewR Offline OP
I AM a Coop
AndrewR  Offline OP
I AM a Coop
A

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,546
Northumberland
Maybe, once I've finished selling the rights to a three film adaptation.


Dear monos, a secret truth.
Re: Somebody give this guy a job! [Re: AndrewR] #1359972
13/07/2012 19:22
13/07/2012 19:22

O
owl10
Unregistered
owl10
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O



Perhaps a friendly note to the guy suggesting a trip to one of those free CV building things (Still free at the Job Centre?) ,might be a good idea (Or with all the time on your hands Andrew......)

Last edited by owl10; 13/07/2012 19:23. Reason: Perhaps I should attend a spelling course
Re: Somebody give this guy a job! [Re: ] #1360025
13/07/2012 22:44
13/07/2012 22:44
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 5,988
Sunny Darlo
Wishy Offline
Forum is my life
Wishy  Offline
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Posts: 5,988
Sunny Darlo
Found the bugger!

That letter reminded me of this email that I got once.


Up yours Photobucket.

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