You can't polish a turd…..but you can roll it in glitter.

Thankfully, I'm not and never will be high enough up any ladders to have to use any of the mentioned phrases.

They annoy me when I hear them and there's no need for them

Everyone knows it's bull, so why even say it?

My current hates:

Forward thinking.
Boom!
Really?
There's no I in team

Oh and that stupid tone of voice that makes every statement/sentence sound like a question (I've mentioned this before on here).

Oh and that stupid tone of voice that makes every statement/sentence sound like a question (I've mentioned this before on here).

Oh god, don't get me started on that, i've been training some students this week and it's been driving me nuts! (along with 'i was like' 'we were like' 'they were like'….grrrrrrrrrr)

Level playing field

Closest crocodile to the canoe

Elephant in the room (actually just read in an email 10 mins ago)


Incidentally you can find Me in tEaM...

Mrs MRS is desperate to write that in a kid's school report one day....

I'm guilty of a fair number of these expressions - years spent in large US corporations, especially as I get more senior, has rubbed off on me...

My boss has a story about some research his previous company did for a client, which turned up results somewhat less positive than the client was looking for. They e-mailed my boss's company and asked them to "put a positive spin" on the results.

The researcher dealing with the project e-mailed the project team, saying that the client "wants us to put a paper-bag over this pile of sh*t and draw a smiley face on it".

Unfortunately they copied in the client as well.

Moments later a reply came in from the client - "Thank you for so completely understanding our requirements. Please let me know when it's done."

That one really did make me spit out my coffee Andrew.

Work (FTSE 100 company) has 'brown bag' sessions and 'green trouser' projects. I asked the Head of Operations if he ever got mixed up and held a 'green bag' session about a 'brown trouser' project. Luckily he's French and didn't understand, just looked at me as if I crawled out from under a rock.

I hate that place, every day a little bit of me dies inside.

That will happen as you try to polish a turd...!

Simon, please tell us: what are brown bag and green trouser sessions? Sounds like a trip to a Cotswolds branch of Waitrose.

In agriculture "brown bagging" is a farmer practice of saving his seed.

In business it would be like saving your nuts.

Some of the best meetings are "blame-storming"

Precis of our management meetings:

"Does xxx work yet?"
"No."
"Whose fault is it?"
"Yours."
"Best get it working then."

Engineers, eh?

We have brown bag sessions at work Another puke-making yank expression for a working presentation at lunch time where you "bring your own lunch" (in a brown bag, because we're too tight to supply stale crusty sandwiches, after all, there's no such thing as a free lunch )

I've never been invited to a green trouser session, but we do have "team building" meetings.

And don't forget all those tacky "motivational" posters....success is a journey not a destination....teamwork - together each achieves more...the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain (not sure about that last one, I may have quoted out of context?)

Oh yes i almost forgot - we dont have monthly briefings any more oooh no, they're "town hall" meetings now....wtf???

After a presentation when asking for questions.....'queries, theories, moans or groans?'

Aaaaargggh - I hate management speak, but the above statement makes my skin truly boil.

I got my boss a mug that says "We don't design solutions, we solutionise"

She tried to ban the word "solutionise" in the office but it still persists.

One HR manager I knew published a notice requesting sugestions that " would be analised by management".

The same rather odd woman also issued a HR policy document with the reference "dlwank" at the foot.

That's brilliant! Kind of along the same lines our big boss man sent out an email to all staff asking us to 'bare' with him. Not sure he had many takers on that one.

AGGHHHH so do we, most annoying

Us too.

I honestly don't know what 'green trouser' sessions are, I think they are brainstorming sessions, but I don't know what the origin of the term is.

A colleague and i were both clients who had to attend a pre-job meeting with a company who was to carry out some work for us. We were primarily there to give a short talk regarding safety, and how important it is to the client that everyone returns home to their loved ones in one piece, and the environment is left pristine.

As the senior client my colleague decided to take the lead, and share his experience of 30 years.

"Don't put your fingers where you wouldn't put your cock." he said in all seriousness.

Afterwards they asked me if he was drunk.

The Office comes to life...

I'm kind of liking that as a guideline for life in general but even I can see where coming out with that could be possibly misconstrued as a lack of professionalism.

Buuut... I recall an autobiography - no idea whose! - wherein the phrase 'some people stick their cocks where I wouldn't stick the ferrule of my umbrella' made an appearance.

It's the only bit I can recall of it!

I like that too. In fact the more down to earth anti-management speak expressions I can fit into the working day the better IMO. Management speak hides behind pseudo-professionalism so it's good to challenge the norm and shock people by stripping away the bull behind it.

The ones I currently like using are:-

1) in response to people touting the joys of KPIs and suggesting something pointless: "you can record the inside leg measurement of a hen's arse as a KPI if you want, but it won't make it make it lay any more eggs". There's hardly any reason to use the word 'arse' other than for maximum unprofessional effect.

2) in response to someone suggesting some ludicrous US-style level of customer care or another department trying to offload responsibility: "they'll be wanting us to go over there and flush the bl00dy toilet for them next".

David Brent meets Alan Sugar - eat your heart out.

Heikki Kovalainen is returning as reserve driver to help Caterham out for the next 2 races, or as their team manager put it :-
"Having invested in Heikki for our first three years of competition it would be a waste not to leverage the valuable expertise he brings"

Is that the same as 'take advantage of' or 'use'?

A rare case of an American english alternative that is shorter than the British english equivalent.

Another word that really annoys me when people use it, who think they are being really smug and clever, is 'holistic'

I did come across one a while ago that made me smile - referring to a "grass ceiling", that is the inability to be promoted because you don't play golf.

Just me then?

Oh well, thought I'd take a rain check.