I will leave the coat as that is the only thing that is acceptable...

Let's try that again.

What did the inflatable teacher say to the inflatable pupil at the inflatable school?










You let me down, you let yourself down and you let the whole school down!!

The party was going well at my house until someone smashed the ouija board.

That's when all hell broke loose.

Stolen from my mates facebook page (he puts on a few jokes every day)

------------------------------------------------------------
I woke up this morning with Gloria Gaynor at the end of my bed. At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

------------------------------------------------------------

Greece.


They got bills,


They’re multiplying,


And they’re losing control.

------------------------------------------------------------
BBC Newsflash: England Woman not expected to win the World Cup.

Oh well, back to the chopping board

------------------------------------------------------------
The girl a the RyanAir check-in desk said “Window or aisle”>

I replied, “Window or you’ll what”

Do you want to know what's weird?

If you scream in a library, everyone just looks at you, but if you scream on a plane, everyone joins in!

A bloke in a Newcastle United strip, with a black & white cat under his arm goes into a bar one Saturday and, in a thick geordie accent, asks the barman, "Can we have the match on, mate?"

The barman sticks the telly on and the bloke and his cat sit and watch the whole 90 minutes, which ends in a 0-0 draw.

When the final whistle blows the cat raises itself up onto its 2 hind legs and starts dancing a victory jig on the bar, getting wilder and wilder, even throwing in a couple of back-flips.

"That's amazing," says the barman, "What does he do if they win?"

"I've got no idea," says the fellow, "I've only had him 3 years."

Thw wife was a bit frisky the other night and I was a bit tired so I reached over for a swig of my liquid viagra but missed and got a mouthful of tippex instead.

Nothing much happened at the time but later on I woke up with a huge correction.

My wife's been missing for 4 weeks now. Last night the Police came round and advised me I may need to prepare myself for bad news.

I'm just off to Oxfam to see if I can get her clothes back.

Why did the chicken kill itself?


To get to the other side...

I couldnt find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes.
So i asked the kids if they'd seen it,.

Turns out she left days ago .

Someone's just dumped a load of clay outside my front door.

I don't know what to make of it.

I haven't spoken to my wife for over a year.

Well, I don't like to interrupt.

A couple of months ago my wife decided to get fit by running five miles a day.... last I heard she had got to Cardiff

Paddy was walking to the pub one day past a big house that had a lorry piled high with turf. Paddy thought: "That's what I want to do when I'm rich - send my grass away to be cut."

A priest, a vicar and a rabbi walk into a bar and the barman says, "Is this some sort of joke?"


A woman's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere one night and she manages to find her way to a farmhouse and asks for a bed for the night.
"Ok," says the farmer,"but you'll have to share a room with my three beautiful daughters."
"Daughters?" says the woman,"Sh*t, I'm in the wrong joke".

Why don't gypsies use contraceptives?

because they have crystal balls and can see it coming.

How do you get a fat bird into bed?

Piece of cake.


What's the difference between a Ferrari and a dead prostitute?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

me and a mate were caught stealing a calander from W.H smiths and when we went to court we got 6 months each .

Paddy walks down the street with a bag of doughnuts. Mick comes the other way and says to Paddy, "Can I have a doughnut"? Paddy says, "If you can guess how many I have in the bag, you can have both".

Mick says, "THREE"!!!

A guy came up to me and said, ''Can you help me please? I've dropped my Scrabble set all over the road!''

I said to him, ''Well what's the word on the street?''

B*llocks (16 points...)

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplough ?




Give her a shovel

How do you turn a snowplough into a dishwasher?

Give her the shovel because it is too cold outside; much easier washing the dishes with a nice glass of wine

I went to my firms Christmas party last night. Started off well.

They played "the twist" so I twisted. Later, they played "Jump" so I jumped.

Then they played "Come on Eileen"..... and Senior Management asked me to leave shortly after that!

Just a friendly reminder about drink driving over the festive period.

I drove to the firms Christmas bash last night, but left my car at the venue and took a bus home.

I must say I'm very proud of myself this morning, as I'd never driven a bus before.....

Have you heard of the new sex position? It's called 'The Parcel Force'.

You stay in all day and nobody comes.

Europe Debt Crisis Explained - Simply

The Mayor of the Greek town visited an Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor, he wondered aloud how his host could afford such a house.

The Italian mayor said, "See that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, this house could be built".


The following year the Italian, now a deputy Prime Minister, visited the Greek mayor’s town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house. With gold taps, marble doorways and terrazzo floors, it was marvellous.

When he asked how this could be afforded, his Greek former counterpart said, "You see that bridge over there?"
The Italian replied, "No."

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?



Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe !

How can you tell the optician is blind?

She keeps trying to make a spectacle of herself.

What's the most painful part of a joke?

The punchline.