How many times to 30 go into 15?

Lots of times if you're a C of E maths teacher!

No wonder kids are these days.

To pass their Maths exam they need to do French oral!

And indeed, Sickopedia is full of 'em!

That's teaching. One day you're taking the register, the next you're appearing on one.

Man rolls over in bed and grins at his wife. She says "Not tonight darling I've got a gynaechologists appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean". The man rolls back feeling rejected...... 5 mins later he rolls back over and asks "Do you have a dentist appointment?"

And following on neatly from that:

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went backwards and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

A wife says to her husband, "You never take me anywhere expensive anymore."

The husband says, "Get your coat."

The wife asks, "Why? Where are we going?"

The husband replies, "F***ing petrol station."

A horse walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Sorry we
don't serve food."

Chinese macdonalds are now seving quater panda's.

Giraffe walks into irish bar, orderes a drink and falls asleep on the floor.

A bloke walks in and spots the giraffe "what's that lying down there"? He asks the barman

"It's not a lion it's a giraffe".....replys the barman.

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

“Can I have a double Jack and coke please?” I slurred.

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough, sir?” He replied.

“What? Listen dickhead, I could out-drink anyone. ANYONE! Do you hear me? I’ve been drinking for three days and am going to continue drinking for the rest of the week. Nobody is going to tell me I’ve had enough. So, can I have a double Jack and coke please?”

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step out of your vehicle."

A man runs into the bar and says, "Quick! Give me a triple whisky!". He downs it in one and then informs the bartender, "Of course, I shouldn't really be having this with what I've got."

"Why?" asks the barman, "What have you got?"

"About 28p", says the bloke.

I hear Bonnie Tyler has been chosen to represent Great Britain at the Eurovision Song Contest.

I'm holding out for a zero.

I went to a zoo and there was only a dog. It was a shitzu.

That is the funniest joke I have ever heard almost!
Skip to 30 seconds on the clip. There are a twenty following seconds of thee most funniest thing I ever heard (in my opinion)
CLIP

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Doorbell Repair Man.

Just bought a dog off my local Blacksmith. As soon as I got it home he made a bolt for the door

Brilliant! I only have a pet wookie.....

I've just been offered a job earning £1000 a week working for the brittle bone society, I snapped his f@cking hand off!

Ordered a Wookie steak last night at the local Jedi Steak House.

Mrs asked how it was..... being chewy

Boris Johnson finally admits he'd like to be prime minister

Cops have found a poem which reads: "I come from Bradford, I've got a big knife, I've killed three prossies, am going kill your wife".

Police believe they are dealing with the Yorkshire rapper!

Shakespeare walks into a bar..........

........Landlord - "I'm not serving you..........you're bard"

Paddy gets in his car after a busy day at work.

Its a very warm evening, so he switches on the aircon, turns it up full whack and through the centre dash vents.

He starts to drive home.

Suddenly, from nowhere, a tree appears in front of him!

Startled, he wrenches the wheel left to avoid it, but immediately there is another tree!

He swerves back to right but then there is another! Swerving back to the left and yet again another tree, and another back to the right!

With sweat pouring down his face, the "slalom" is continuous until he is aware of a siren and then a blue flashing of lights, and he pulls the car into the kerb.

Exhausted, he slumps over the wheel.

"Excuse me Sir" says the Officer, now at his window. "Your erratic driving would lead me to believe that you have been drinking"

"No no",says Paddy over the whir of the aircon "it was those damned trees in the road back there".

The office leans lower,looks through the window and declares

"You daft ****, thats your air-freshener swinging about"!

I will never forget my first dog. He had no back legs and steel balls.....I don't half miss old sparky!

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'

Handed in my notice at the helium
balloon factory. I was sick of my
boss.

No-one talks to me in that tone of voice.

Jimmy now Maggie, it's a good time for minors