From my daughter (aged 13)...

Why was Susie sad?
She had no arms.


Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Not Susie.

Just joined a Jamaican covers band playing the triangle, I stand at the back and ting.

Chap walks into a bar with a set of jump leads round his neck. Before he can order his drink the bar man takes one look at the chap & says.....don't you be starting anything in here now!

I used to be in a band called 'missing cats'.

You probably saw our posters.

My mate said "I am starving, where can I get a pizza at this time of night"?

I said "ring Dom he knows"

I had to tell my patient that I had dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery.

I will never forget the look on his elbow.

I watched a film last night where a guy gets a hot cup of tea thrown over him and gets third degree burns.

It was rated PG.

Sandwich walks into a bar with his bread mates & asks the barman for three pints of lager & a couple of large white wines, sorry can't do that comes the reply from the barman. Why not? asks the sandwich...........We don't serve food in this bar says the barman....

That's too good for a crap joke thread!

An IPv6 packet walks into a Bar.

No one talks to it.

Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A. A fish.

How many country and western singers does it take to change a light-bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to sing about how good the old one was.

how do you get a fat girl into bed?

Piece of cake..

What smells of wee and goes in and out?

The hokeycokey at an old people's home.

arranged a pessimists meeting today,

It wasn’t a great turn out, the room was half empty.

I just burnt my fingers in boiling oil and screamed “OOH OOH AAH AAH" like a monkey.

It was a chip pan, see.

Grab your taco, you’ve pulled a dyslexic Mexican.

BREAKING NEWS: Explosion in French cheese shop.

There seems to be lots of De Brie.

We’ve kicked this emu out of our club because he was too big.

He’s been ostrich sized.

I just ordered 10,000 bottles of TippEx. I made a massive mistake.

My friend lost a bet so now he has to let a Rastafarian cut his hair.
He’s dreading it.

I bumped into an old mate today.

He said, “What you up to these days?"

I said, “I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, piss heads and down ‘n’ outs."

He said, “So you work in a charity drop in centre?"

I said, “No, I’m a chef in a Wetherspoons pub."

My girlfriend left me yesterday. She says I’m schizophrenic.

Stupid bitch wasn’t good enough for you anyway, Steve.

I’m a big fan of “The Inbetweeners". I love the catchphrases.

Yesterday I was driving down the road when I saw some people at a bus stop. I pulled up next to them and shouted, “BUS !" I was pissing myself laughing.

Although things did get a bit awkward when they stepped on to pay for their tickets.

Did you know that Sean Connery’s 80
Roger Moore’s 83
Pierce Brosnan’s 57
Daniel Craig’s 42….oh yeah!

To explain, I’m really into Bond age.

My scouse mate was sending in a loan application today. He said, “I have a good credit history, I think I’ll walk it."

“But you’re from Liverpool," I said. “You’ll never walk a loan."

I used to feed gorillas at Chester Zoo from a distance using a golf club.

I’d drive them bananas.

To the people who hate hand gestures: I salute you.

Last Halloween I was mugged by a Ghostbuster, and ironically, I didn’t know who to call.

Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.
“Okay," I said. “You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I’m never going give you Up."