Marksmanship - The ability to shoot accurately in any situation.

And also the name of my gay mate's new boat.

My missus was so clever at school.

She got more A's than a Scouser trying to break up a fight.

I poured broth all over my car yesterday.

It is now souped up.

Cops have reported that Tony Tiger and the Honey Monster have been murdered. A police spokesman said it could be the work of a cereal killer.

I've been hearing the voice of the Devil emanating from the drain in my kitchen.

I wish I'd never moved to Helsinki.

Through the mist, I could just make out Jay-Z's other brother Hay-Z.

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most. "He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"
He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head".

FIRST TIME SEX
............
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a
dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time..
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to
the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to
buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack..
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy,
it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and
whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist..'

Fan Bloody Tastic

It's really difficult to find what you want on eBay.
I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

I got done for shoplifting in ASDA today.
I paid for six cans of Sprite at the self checkout, but when security checked my bag he discovered I'd picked seven up.

I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy. This pan he sold me doesn't fly at all.

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.

She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's stupid. I've had enough and I'm leaving you."

I said, "But, Baby, I can change."

She said, "There you go again!"

I was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff.
As the rescue team approached one of the guys shouted "Whatever you do, don't look down".

So I started smiling.

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a blonde joke?''

The person replies, ''I am 240 pounds, a world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, a world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, a world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?''

The man thinks for a while replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three times.''

A teacher asked her junior class to names things ending in "tor" that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator".
...
"Very good James, that's a big word", said the teacher.

The second little boy said, "Predator".

"Yes, that's another big word", said the teacher.

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator".

After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That's a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything".

Johnny says, "Well my sister has one and she says it eats f***king batteries like there is no tomorrow".

I feared my wife had Tourette's, so
I took her to see a psychiatrist.

The good news? She's not got it.

The bad news? I am a and she
does want me to off.

I asked the wife what she wants for Valentines Day. She said, "I'll give you a clue. Ex-England goalie."

She thinks she's getting Flowers but instead she's getting Seaman.

What's red and sits in a tree? A sanitary owl....

My favourite joke on earth - Why did the skeleton burp? because he didn't have the guts to fart!...

My mate who was a farmer had a hair brained scheme to breed genetically modified sheep that were twice the size of normal ones. To do so he had to re-mortgage his house to finance it but things didn’t go to plan.
Although the sheep were larger they weren’t as big as he’d hoped and he couldn’t afford the repayments on his loan. Suffice to say the bank repossessed his house and land, leaving him with just his sheep, nowhere to live and penniless.

The last time I saw him he was standing on a street corner selling biggish ewes.

I fell asleep in the chair at the barbers and woke up with a really shit early 90s hairstyle.

I think I’ve been spiked.

I walked out of a club with a girl last night.

She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my cock and said, “Yours or mine?”

I said, “That’s mine.”

I was in a pub on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said "Give me your number sexy."

I replied "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes"

I replied

"Well you better get back in it, before the farmer notices you're missing."

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."
"What are you going to do now?" asks the angel.
"Call it a day," says God.

I see you changed the name to 'Bob' so as not to prejudice any current trials!

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks straight from the bottle.

I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.

Next morning, she rang and said, "what are you doing with your life?"

Someone has chopped all the heads off of my daffodils...

I think it was a stalker.

Renewed my driver’s license today and was asked if I wanted to be an organ donor. I declined but did offer to give them my old harmonica.