I was arrested yesterday on suspicion of murdering my orchestra conductor.
Apparently because I had bought a Stradivarius in 2002, an Amati in 1998 and a Guarneri in 1990,
the police said I had a history of violins.

I was sat on the train, and a ginger bloke near me received a text.

I thought, "It must be from Orange."

I'm a bit down at the moment.
I've just split with my girlfriend.
She was a midget…I was nuts over her.

Two mice who live in a theatre are watching the ballet one night.

"Haven't those ballerinas got lovely legs?" says one.

"I'm a titmouse myself" replies the other.

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger? In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days but before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde who enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents,but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen Very Carefully. FOR...THE...LAST...TIME"

"BRING POSSE!"

why did the one handed man cross the road ?



to get to the second hand shop.

My racing snail was not winning races any more, so I decided to remove his shell to make him more aerodynamic.
It didn't work. If anything it made him more sluggish.

Snow White gets followed home by the 7 dwarfs and she goes into her bedroom and shuts the door. The dwarfs arent stupid and realise if they stand on one anothers shoulders, the top one can look through the glass panel above the door.So Dopey is on top and passes messages down to the others, taking it in turn to relate the message to the one below them
"taking her blouse off"...." taking her blouse off "..."taking her blouse off "
"taking her skirt off " "taking her skirt off " and so on
Then Dopey turns round and sees someone approaching,..
" oh shit, someones coming "
" and me "
" and me "
" and me "
" and me "
" and me "
" and me "

Did you hear about two peanuts who walked down a dark alley?

One was assaulted.

(My second favourite joke...)

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

And from South-West USA: what's green and sticky?

Palo Verde.

Ten years in the same job and not once have I been in the boss's office.
That's what got me fired as a cleaner.

I've got an injured extraterrestrial in my shed. He's missing an eye.

I've called him Alen.

I knocked on David Banners' door earlier and told him all about global warming.

He got very angry and said he was turning green immediately.

I had a job at a Cadbury's factory putting fudge bars in to boxes. I had to quit though because every time someone would walk past they would say,

"Oh packing fudge are we?"

Or

"Hey up, he's packing fudge again."

Since then I've applied for a job in a clothing factory lifting boxes of shirts.

I'm hoping the name calling will stop now.

A man in our local village has been going around threatening people with a lit match.

Police are keen to catch him before he strikes again.

I get the feeling a lot of people see me as a bit of a c*** these days,

I just can't seem to put my finger on it.




Sent from my i-Phone

I'm planning a camping holiday but, I have to say, I'm far from impressed with my travel insurance. It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night, I'll no longer be covered.

I'm in dispute with Sky at the minute as they're trying to charge me for my satellite dish.

I'm sure they told me it would be on the house.

Brian receives a text message from his neighbour, Dev.

"I'm sorry Brian, I have a confession to make, I've been tapping your wife for the last 6 months. I feel bad but I'm just been getting any at home. I promise I'll stop from now on."

Without hesitation Brian grabs his gun from the wardrobe, goes downstairs and shoots his wife in the head, killing her instantly."

A second text from Dev arrives.

"Damned autocorrect. I meant wifi!"

I had mine installed three years ago and was shocked to open the door to two bailiffs yesterday. They demanded money for it. I'm sure the salesman told me at the time that in two years it would pay for itself.

Stolen from a letter to Viz.

"If Max Clifford is so good at PR, why does everyone think he's such a ?"

On a recent trip to the United States , Tony Blair, Ex. Labour Prime Minister of the UK and now U.N. Middle East Peace Envoy, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.

He spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing about a lasting peace settlement amongst the warring nations of the Middle East, likening it to the way that the U.S. Government found a suitable agreement with the North American tribes.

At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.

I bought a new Tait's GPS and was using it for the first time when I found I was miles off course.

Then I realised that he who has a Tait's is lost.

I've just downloaded Luis Suarez's greatest football moments.



It was only 3 mega bytes.

Not 3 killer bytes then?

Today I put all my christmas decorations up myself... Now I've got to go to the hospital to have them removed.

Oscar Pistorius has sacked his legal team and hired Celtic's, as he has heard you can lose both legs and still win.

whats green and turns red at a flick of a switch..... frog in a blender

Whilst helping me saw a tree down, my mate Ron slipped and cut through his arm.
Seeing that he was losing blood fast I had to think on my feet, so I did what I thought was the sensible thing.

Turns out it doesn't do what it says on the tin.