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Re: Crap joke thread [Re: PeteP] #1629585
12/02/2019 16:52
12/02/2019 16:52
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 11,413
Auld Reekie
Edinburgh Offline
Club Board member
Edinburgh  Offline
Club Board member
I AM a Coop

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 11,413
Auld Reekie
laugh

Not long for some of us laugh


Thanks again, Photobucket.
BumbleBee under restoration, back from paintshop!...in lockdown:(
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1634158
23/07/2019 21:54
23/07/2019 21:54
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 19,654
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
Club Member 005
PeteP  Offline
Club Member 005
Forum veteran

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 19,654
Aldershot
Thread resurrection.

Attached Files

16VT and X1/9 1500
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1634164
24/07/2019 10:37
24/07/2019 10:37
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 11,413
Auld Reekie
Edinburgh Offline
Club Board member
Edinburgh  Offline
Club Board member
I AM a Coop

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 11,413
Auld Reekie
rofl


Thanks again, Photobucket.
BumbleBee under restoration, back from paintshop!...in lockdown:(
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: Edinburgh] #1634249
28/07/2019 18:22
28/07/2019 18:22
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 5,940
Sunny Darlo
Wishy Offline
Forum is my life
Wishy  Offline
Forum is my life

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 5,940
Sunny Darlo
You should never have a pillow fight with the devil unless you are prepared to deal with the reaper cushions.


Up yours Photobucket.
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1634863
17/08/2019 21:17
17/08/2019 21:17
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 19,654
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
Club Member 005
PeteP  Offline
Club Member 005
Forum veteran

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 19,654
Aldershot
An old U S Navy Chief shuffled into a waterfront bar.

Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. "I'd like the job."

The barkeep was skeptical but it’d been awhile since he had a piano player and business was falling off so he gave him a try.

The old Chief staggered to the piano as patrons snickered but by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced and what followed was a rhapsody of music and when he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender bought the old Chief a beer and asked him the name of the song he’d just played.
The Chief took a long pull from the beer and replied, “It’s called, "Drop Your Skivvies Baby, We're Gonna Rock the Boat Tonight."
The bartender winced, but the old Chief then launched into a knee-slapping, bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
After he finished, the Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Your Big Boobs Make My Anchor Hard."

He then excused himself as he lurched off to the head.

When the old Chief came out of the head, the bartender said, "Look Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"


16VT and X1/9 1500
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: PeteP] #1634868
18/08/2019 09:17
18/08/2019 09:17
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 4,486
highlands
jimboy Offline
Club Member 857
jimboy  Offline
Club Member 857
Forum is my job

Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 4,486
highlands
This is for members who remember Doctor Findlays Case Book, & having Janet in a high pitched Scottish voice, Doctor Cameron in a low grumpy Scottish voice.

Janet.
Doctor Cameron, Doctor Cameron

Doctor Cameron.
What is it Janet

Janet
I've got awful heartburn Doctor Cameron.

Doctor Cameron.
Ach! yeah daft woman get yer tits oot o the porridge.


I'm an old git & happy with it,most of the time
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1634870
18/08/2019 18:55
18/08/2019 18:55
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 32,403
Hemel in the Hempstead
barnacle Offline
Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
barnacle  Offline
Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
Forum Demigod

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 32,403
Hemel in the Hempstead
Brought to you by 'give an old joke a home', a registered charity...


[Linked Image]
Don't get no respect! [b]Coupe Fiat 1994-2000 - an owner's guide[/b] <-- clicky!
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: barnacle] #1634872
18/08/2019 19:03
18/08/2019 19:03
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 4,486
highlands
jimboy Offline
Club Member 857
jimboy  Offline
Club Member 857
Forum is my job

Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 4,486
highlands
Originally Posted by barnacle
Brought to you by 'give an old joke a home', a registered charity...



Crap joke thread is the clue... wink


I'm an old git & happy with it,most of the time
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: jimboy] #1634878
19/08/2019 04:27
19/08/2019 04:27
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,654
Brisbane, Australia
Possum Offline
My life on the forum
Possum  Offline
My life on the forum

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,654
Brisbane, Australia
Two young schoolboys standing side by side at the urinal; one looks over at his mate and says, "Oh, I see that you have been circumcised, did it hurt?"

His mate replies, "Hurt, Hurt!!, I couldn't walk for 12 months!"


Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1634883
19/08/2019 11:36
19/08/2019 11:36
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 43
Ely
Smatt Offline
Club Member 1773
Smatt  Offline
Club Member 1773
Discoverer

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 43
Ely
Can i post links here??

Top jokes from this year's Fringe in case you haven't already seen;


Edinburgh Festival Fringe jokes

Last edited by Edinburgh; 19/08/2019 12:02. Reason: Fixed click link
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1634884
19/08/2019 14:37
19/08/2019 14:37
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 2,385
Caston, Norfolk
Blueboyracer Offline
Club member 1435
Blueboyracer  Offline
Club member 1435
Competition Level

Joined: May 2011
Posts: 2,385
Caston, Norfolk
A mate of mine has just had a penis extension ...

Now his house looks really stupid.


If you want to talk to me send me an email or use a modern social media channel, links in my profile
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1634901
20/08/2019 07:49
20/08/2019 07:49
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 354
S Wales
Morrison Offline
Club member 1566
Morrison  Offline
Club member 1566
Making a profit

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 354
S Wales
Did you hear about the kidnapping at centre parks last week?


It's ok now, he woke up after 20 minutes.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: Morrison] #1635510
13/09/2019 12:20
13/09/2019 12:20
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,561
J
JKD Offline
Forum is my job
JKD  Offline
Forum is my job
J

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,561
I once accidentally swallowed a glider.

I had a soar throat for a week.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: JKD] #1635511
13/09/2019 12:28
13/09/2019 12:28
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,561
J
JKD Offline
Forum is my job
JKD  Offline
Forum is my job
J

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,561
I was once given a slice of toast, a boiled egg and a glass of water on a flight.

I'd paid a lot of money and I was extremely furious that I was given such extremely plane food.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1635512
13/09/2019 12:32
13/09/2019 12:32
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,561
J
JKD Offline
Forum is my job
JKD  Offline
Forum is my job
J

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,561
I've got such a funny joke about aeroplanes that you will knot be able to stop laughing.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1635606
18/09/2019 09:11
18/09/2019 09:11
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 2,385
Caston, Norfolk
Blueboyracer Offline
Club member 1435
Blueboyracer  Offline
Club member 1435
Competition Level

Joined: May 2011
Posts: 2,385
Caston, Norfolk
What's a dogs favourite part of a house?
















The woof


If you want to talk to me send me an email or use a modern social media channel, links in my profile
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: Blueboyracer] #1635607
18/09/2019 10:11
18/09/2019 10:11
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,561
J
JKD Offline
Forum is my job
JKD  Offline
Forum is my job
J

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,561
What do you call your children, grandchildren and great grandchildren all walking backwards?
A receding heirline.



What do you call a group of mothers walking backwards?
Receding mums.



What do you call a car in busy traffic driving backwards?
Well, it depends on the make and model doesn't it?

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1635618
18/09/2019 18:35
18/09/2019 18:35
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 32,403
Hemel in the Hempstead
barnacle Offline
Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
barnacle  Offline
Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
Forum Demigod

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 32,403
Hemel in the Hempstead
It's an Audi. I can tell.


[Linked Image]
Don't get no respect! [b]Coupe Fiat 1994-2000 - an owner's guide[/b] <-- clicky!
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: barnacle] #1636118
12/10/2019 10:18
12/10/2019 10:18
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,561
J
JKD Offline
Forum is my job
JKD  Offline
Forum is my job
J

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,561
The past, present and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1636209
16/10/2019 09:39
16/10/2019 09:39
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,079
Alcester
mikndo69 Offline
Club Member 1766
mikndo69  Offline
Club Member 1766
Enjoying the ride

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,079
Alcester
!!! ALERT !!!

A 3 foot 2 inch Psychic has escaped from a high security prison.

Police are saying there's a Small Medium at Large



So sorry coat


Fast as FCCUK.org
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1636210
16/10/2019 10:46
16/10/2019 10:46
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,647
Dark side of the Moon
H_R Offline
Club member 1114
H_R  Offline
Club member 1114
My life on the forum

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,647
Dark side of the Moon
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1636213
16/10/2019 14:09
16/10/2019 14:09
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 19,654
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
Club Member 005
PeteP  Offline
Club Member 005
Forum veteran

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 19,654
Aldershot
nsfw.

Attached Files

16VT and X1/9 1500
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: PeteP] #1636214
16/10/2019 14:11
16/10/2019 14:11
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 4,486
highlands
jimboy Offline
Club Member 857
jimboy  Offline
Club Member 857
Forum is my job

Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 4,486
highlands
Originally Posted by PeteP
nsfw.



Now that's funny I like that... laugh


I'm an old git & happy with it,most of the time
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1636222
16/10/2019 21:29
16/10/2019 21:29
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,695
In the coupe.
magooagain Offline
Club Member 259
magooagain  Offline
Club Member 259
Forum is my life

Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,695
In the coupe.
Scottsman walks into a pub,normally a Irishman,a Englishman and Welshman are in the pub also but their still in Japan!



Waiting for forum photo hosting!
Hang on!
It's here! Hooray !
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: magooagain] #1636223
16/10/2019 23:23
16/10/2019 23:23
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 11,413
Auld Reekie
Edinburgh Offline
Club Board member
Edinburgh  Offline
Club Board member
I AM a Coop

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 11,413
Auld Reekie
Originally Posted by magooagain
Scottsman walks into a pub,normally a Irishman,a Englishman and Welshman are in the pub also but their still in Japan!



Ooh Joe, that's a bit 'arsh!


Thanks again, Photobucket.
BumbleBee under restoration, back from paintshop!...in lockdown:(
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1636251
17/10/2019 19:41
17/10/2019 19:41
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 32,403
Hemel in the Hempstead
barnacle Offline
Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
barnacle  Offline
Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
Forum Demigod

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 32,403
Hemel in the Hempstead
How do insects find the best bug hotels?

Thrip advisor...


[Linked Image]
Don't get no respect! [b]Coupe Fiat 1994-2000 - an owner's guide[/b] <-- clicky!
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: barnacle] #1636257
17/10/2019 21:29
17/10/2019 21:29
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 11,413
Auld Reekie
Edinburgh Offline
Club Board member
Edinburgh  Offline
Club Board member
I AM a Coop

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 11,413
Auld Reekie
Originally Posted by barnacle


Thrip advisor...


As is not uncommon Neil, you forced me to look that one up laugh


Thanks again, Photobucket.
BumbleBee under restoration, back from paintshop!...in lockdown:(
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1636293
18/10/2019 22:47
18/10/2019 22:47
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 32,403
Hemel in the Hempstead
barnacle Offline
Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
barnacle  Offline
Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
Forum Demigod

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 32,403
Hemel in the Hempstead
aka thunderbugs! laugh


[Linked Image]
Don't get no respect! [b]Coupe Fiat 1994-2000 - an owner's guide[/b] <-- clicky!
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1636307
19/10/2019 10:47
19/10/2019 10:47
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 4,486
highlands
jimboy Offline
Club Member 857
jimboy  Offline
Club Member 857
Forum is my job

Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 4,486
highlands
Seasonal message.. snowman....I don't care what your name is you fat bastard, get those f***ing reindeer off my roof now!

Last edited by Edinburgh; 19/10/2019 10:56. Reason: Forum "spelling" guidelines

I'm an old git & happy with it,most of the time
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1636417
24/10/2019 16:46
24/10/2019 16:46
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 19,654
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
Club Member 005
PeteP  Offline
Club Member 005
Forum veteran

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 19,654
Aldershot
A quick health test not available on the NHS

Go outside and pee in the garden.

If ants gather:- diabetes.

If you pee on your feet:- prostate.

if it smells like a barbecue:- cholesterol.

if when you shake it, your wrist hurts:- osteoarthritis.

if you return to your room with your penis outside your pants:- Alzheimers


16VT and X1/9 1500
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