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Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1667706
25/09/2023 15:53
25/09/2023 15:53
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
I don't remember if I've told you this before, Pope Francis really really likes cats.
To such an extent, he's become a catoholic.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1667707
25/09/2023 15:56
25/09/2023 15:56
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 17,470
Auld Reekie
Edinburgh Offline
Club President, member225
Edinburgh  Offline
Club President, member225
Forum veteran

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 17,470
Auld Reekie
Oddly he wears a dog collar.


BumbleBee carer smile
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1667710
25/09/2023 18:34
25/09/2023 18:34
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
I've got a picture of him on my mouse mat.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1668835
23/11/2023 12:37
23/11/2023 12:37
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,699
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
Hon Club Member 005, Membership Secretary
PeteP  Offline
Hon Club Member 005, Membership Secretary
Forum Fossil

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,699
Aldershot
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple-all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine-they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked,
"What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered,
"My turn for the Teeth."


16VT and X1/9 1500

We must all do our part for the planet.
I unplugged a row of electric cars that nobody was using.
I even unplugged my own.
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1668840
23/11/2023 15:04
23/11/2023 15:04
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
PaulL  Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
Shit

Just burst my stitches open

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1669734
23/01/2024 08:38
23/01/2024 08:38
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
P
PaulL Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
PaulL  Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
Enjoying the ride
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
Ive taken the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm. Well, the loud beeping noise was giving me a headache, making me dizzy and feel sick.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1670020
05/02/2024 17:00
05/02/2024 17:00
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,699
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
Hon Club Member 005, Membership Secretary
PeteP  Offline
Hon Club Member 005, Membership Secretary
Forum Fossil

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,699
Aldershot
An elephant walked up to a man on a nudist beach and asked, 'How do you eat with that?


16VT and X1/9 1500

We must all do our part for the planet.
I unplugged a row of electric cars that nobody was using.
I even unplugged my own.
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1670137
12/02/2024 17:14
12/02/2024 17:14
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
PaulL  Offline
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Enjoying the ride
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
Do the Durham Wasps have a B team ?

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1671205
09/04/2024 10:35
09/04/2024 10:35
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
P
PaulL Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
PaulL  Offline
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Enjoying the ride
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
I keep hearing dogs barking.

I think that I have Rin Tin Tinnitus

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1671206
09/04/2024 10:42
09/04/2024 10:42
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
PaulL  Offline
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Enjoying the ride
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
I keep hearing dogs barking.

I think that I have Rin Tin Tinnitus

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1671212
10/04/2024 07:31
10/04/2024 07:31
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,299
Sandhurst
Begbie Offline
ex El Presidente
Begbie  Offline
ex El Presidente
I AM a Coop

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,299
Sandhurst
What do you call a T-Rex that sells guns?

A small arms dealer


Originally Posted by Jonny - After being taken out at Spa
Your car is Usain Bolt with wellies
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1671230
10/04/2024 20:51
10/04/2024 20:51
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
PaulL  Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
Enjoying the ride
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
A middlesbrough story.
Does it work where you live ?

Chap walks into Beaverbrooks and says that he wants to buy a crucifix necklace for his girlfriend.

The bimbo behind the counter starts to open a drawer and asks,
Do you want a plain one, or one with the little man on ?

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1671262
13/04/2024 11:58
13/04/2024 11:58
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,620
S Wales
chrissy Offline
Tourque Italia member!
chrissy  Offline
Tourque Italia member!
Forum is my job

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,620
S Wales
What do you call a man with no shins?

To-Knee

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1672255
04/06/2024 08:30
04/06/2024 08:30
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
PaulL  Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
Enjoying the ride
P

Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
Confucious says Man who cooks carrots and pees in same pot is unhygienic.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1672806
08/07/2024 14:58
08/07/2024 14:58
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 33,720
Berlin
barnacle Offline
Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
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Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
Forum Demigod

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 33,720
Berlin
How many vegetarians does it take to eat a bacon sandwich?

Just one... if no-one is watching laugh


[Linked Image]
Don't get no respect! Coupe Fiat 1994-2000 - an owner's guide <-- clicky!
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1672811
09/07/2024 06:16
09/07/2024 06:16
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
PaulL  Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
Enjoying the ride
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
Ooof

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1673061
29/07/2024 14:11
29/07/2024 14:11
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
P
PaulL Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
PaulL  Offline
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Enjoying the ride
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test kit The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the selfish bastard that did this to you? I demand to know!"

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house. A middle-aged and very distinguished man steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the lounge with the father and mother, and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

He continues, "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a chateau in France and a £1m bank account."

He continues, "If a boy is born my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a £25m bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not sure what to do. What would you suggest?"
All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, "You'll try again."

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1673065
29/07/2024 14:36
29/07/2024 14:36
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 33,720
Berlin
barnacle Offline
Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
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Forum Demigod

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 33,720
Berlin
A young lady goes to the chemist and asks if they sell condoms in XXL.
Of course, she is told, how many would you like?
Oh no, she replies, I just want to see who buys them...


[Linked Image]
Don't get no respect! Coupe Fiat 1994-2000 - an owner's guide <-- clicky!
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1673070
30/07/2024 00:26
30/07/2024 00:26
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
P
PaulL Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
PaulL  Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
Enjoying the ride
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
Not me

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1673077
30/07/2024 19:45
30/07/2024 19:45
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 33,720
Berlin
barnacle Offline
Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
barnacle  Offline
Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
Forum Demigod

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 33,720
Berlin
An allegedly true but almost certainly apocryphal tale from WW2:

Noting that soldiers on guard used condoms to stop rainwater dripping into the barrels of their rifles, another army approached the British to see whether something similar could be done for their large guns. Rubber being considered a strategic material, the request went all the way up to Churchill.

Who, to everyone's surprise, immediately said yes. With three provisios; that they were marked:

- with the size, 12" x 4"
- "Made in Britain"
- "Small"


[Linked Image]
Don't get no respect! Coupe Fiat 1994-2000 - an owner's guide <-- clicky!
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1673135
03/08/2024 21:33
03/08/2024 21:33
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,699
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
Hon Club Member 005, Membership Secretary
PeteP  Offline
Hon Club Member 005, Membership Secretary
Forum Fossil

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,699
Aldershot
·
A large woman, in a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar in Potsdam.

She raises her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit. She points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”.
The bar goes silent as the patrons try to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an old, squintey-eye Barnacle Bob. slams his hand down on the bar and bellows, “Give the ballerina a drink!”.

The bar tender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. She turns to the patrons and again points around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asks, ‘What man here will buy a lady a drink?”.
Once again, Barnacle Bob slaps his money down on the bar and says, “Give the ballerina another drink!”.

The Publican approaches the old man and says, “Tell me, Bob, it’s your own business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why the hell do you keep calling her the ballerina?”

Bob replies, “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”


16VT and X1/9 1500

We must all do our part for the planet.
I unplugged a row of electric cars that nobody was using.
I even unplugged my own.
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1673138
04/08/2024 05:40
04/08/2024 05:40
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
PaulL  Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
Enjoying the ride
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
Chuckle Chuckle

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1673465
24/08/2024 13:06
24/08/2024 13:06
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
P
PaulL Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
PaulL  Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
Enjoying the ride
P

Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
Walking through the cemetery yesterday afternoon, saw a chap shovelling soil into a hole.
Are you the regular gravedigger ? I asked
No, he replied, I'm just filling in.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1673965
29/09/2024 10:37
29/09/2024 10:37
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
P
PaulL Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
PaulL  Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
Enjoying the ride
P

Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1673969
29/09/2024 13:49
29/09/2024 13:49
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,699
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
Hon Club Member 005, Membership Secretary
PeteP  Offline
Hon Club Member 005, Membership Secretary
Forum Fossil

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,699
Aldershot
This Biker, walked into a biker bar around 9:58 pm.

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at the Biker and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
The Biker says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
The Biker placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to the Biker saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

The Biker replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."


16VT and X1/9 1500

We must all do our part for the planet.
I unplugged a row of electric cars that nobody was using.
I even unplugged my own.
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1673976
30/09/2024 07:24
30/09/2024 07:24
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
P
PaulL Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
PaulL  Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
Enjoying the ride
P

Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 854
Cleveland
Brilliant Pete

I didn't realise that you knew my wife !

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