What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Dug.

What do you call a man without a spade in his head?
Dugless.

What do call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff

What do call a man with no arms or legs in a river?
Bob

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?"

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. It is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says the wife. "Cant you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing" replied the drunk

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?"

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."

/\
|

It'll probably get deleted but hey.

<correct!>

Two Elephants and a snake are sat in a tree.
The branch snaps and they hit the floor

Boom Boom Hissss

A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequeing some juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm.

They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said:
You were born Protestant.
You were raised Protestant.
But now you are Catholic!

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying:
You were born a cow.
You were raised a cow.
But now you are fish!




I also came across this joke:

A man in Ireland walked down an alley. Suddenly, he was surrounded by a gang of six men carrying knives. One of them said "Catholic or Protestant?". Wisely, the man replied "I'm an athiest." Replied the gangster "Catholic athiest or Protestant athiest?".

Just about any immigrant who's lived in N Ireland in the past 40 yrs will no thats actually a reality

Boots have got tampax on special offer.

Limited period only

Exit signs, are they on the way out?

Why does the bride always wear white?
Kitchen appliances are always that colour.

Don't be sexist, the birds hate that.

What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice Crispies.

What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet.
Sorted.

The trouble with the French is they have no word for entrepreneur.

What do you call an Irishman who steals your pint?
Nick McGuinness.

How many pyschoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
How many do you think it takes?

Why did the rudeboy get lost in the jungle?

'cus jungles massive innit..

None the light needs to want to change itself

How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but it will take 20 episodes

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two but you'll never get them out again!

(shamelessly stolen from someone on here ages ago)

how many vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN!!! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!!!!!

why does it take 10 women with pmt to change a lightbulb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.BECAUSE IT FCUKKING DOES!!!!!

How do you get Pikachu on a bus?
Pokemon

how do you make a dead baby float



two scoops icecream, one scoop of dead baby

whats got two legs and bleeds alot?????



half a dog :-)

What's the differance between a bucket full of sand, and a bucket full of afterbirth?


You can't gargle with sand.

Careful, boys... let's not get carried away...

I fear this thread can only get worse

If it does, it'll get nuked. It's happened before.

Neil - loosen up. We all love you, but really, ... no, I won't elaborate.

Happy new year everyone.

How many C&W musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb, and three to write a song about how much they miss the old one!

(AFAIK not copyrighted!).

how many fccuk mods does it take to change a light bulb?

None, the lightbulb wont be changed, it will be deleted