How many Irishman does it take to change a light bulb?






about 300 - 1 to hold the bulb and 299 to turn the room round.

Breaking news......

Jonathan Ross caught on CCTV stealing kitchen utensils at Tescos...

Told the arresting office he saw the camera, but thought it was worth taking the whisk....

I used to date a Siamese twin but she caught me shagging her sister behind her back

I used to go out with Fatima Whitbread.... but she chucked me.

A bloke takes a DVD back to the shop;

"I asked for Slumdog Millionaire but all that's coming on is Jade Goody"

"Oh sorry" the shop assistant replied, "I thought you asked for sumdog withnohair"

I recently went to the anniversary wake for Jeremy Beadle.

Was famished when I left as they only laid on a small finger buffet.

A coroner said today that "Jeremy Beadle died at exactly 6:30"

When asked how they knew, the coroner replied "Both the big hand and small hand were pointing down"

The Lesbians nextdoor won the lottery last month and said they wanted to treat me for my birthday.

Now don't get me wrong, the Rolex was a nice touch, but I think they must have misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch"

Well if we're digging out Jeremy Beadle jokes...

Apparently Jeremy Beadle has got a really tiny penis, but on the other hand it could be quite large.

After FIFTEEN attempts, the Wife has finally passed her driving test.

On returning home she excitedly logged onto the 'net and I asked "What are you looking for?"

"I can't decide" she said "I just want something cheap to run around in. Why don't you have a look and surprise me?"

I've just ordered her a pair of Trainers from Matalan...

Gratuitously lifted from another forum - but worth it.....

A vicar books into a hotel and asks the clerk

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled"

"No Vicar its just regular porn you sick bas*ard!"

There's trouble in Fairytale Land ...... six of the dwarves aren't happy.

LMAO @ Nello

I think i'm getting swine flu.......I keep breaking out in rashers!!!


I think i've got swine flu, i rang the doctor today and described my symptons to him, but i couldn't hear his reply. All i could hear was Crackling!

My clotheshorse broke this morning.

It was the end of an airer.

A man makes his first parachute jump.

He pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens.

In a panic, he pulls it again. Still nothing.

Then, to his amazement, he sees another man pass him - on the way up.

So he yells to him 'Hey, mate, do you know anything about parachutes?'

And he replies 'No. Do you know anything about Gas Cookers?'

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Teacher: Where the intercourse do you get seven from?!?!?

Johnny: Because I fucking have 1 at home!!!

And the big bad wolf bellowed "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!!!"
"Fccuk off", cried the little pig, "Or I'll sneeze on you!"

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed."
The man says, "But this is a special dog -- he talks!"
"Yeah, right," says the bartender. "Now get out of here before I throw you out."
"No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove it." He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top of a house?"
"Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail.
"Listen, pal..." says the bartender.
"Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another question." He turns to the dog again and asks, "What's the opposite of soft?"
"Ruff!" exclaims the dog.
"Quit wasting my time and get out of here," says the bartender.
"One more chance," pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?"
"Ruth!" barked the dog.
"Okay, that's it!" says the bartender, and physically throws both man and dog out the door and onto the street.
Turning to the man, the dogs shrugs and says, "Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio?"

Priceless JKD. I laughed a lot at that.

I like that.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

How about this one, then.

One day the great philosopher Socrates came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued."You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter -- the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

ashley colemhas just been banned for speeding was caught doind 146 mph on the m25,the arresting officer asked him why he was going so fast,ashley relied ive just had a text john terrys car's outside my house

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he got up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

When I was young all the other kids used to bully me. They would cover me in whipped cream and put cherries on me.

It was tough growing up in the gateau.........

Red Bull gives you wings ... unless you're Mark Webber, when it gives them to your team-mate instead.

Did your hear about the dyslexic South African football fan?

He got arrested for blowing a Zulu's Vulva!

The good thing about paedophiles is that at least they drive slowly past schools...