Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because he was a fungi.



Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

Because he had no body to go with.

Why did the fungi leave the party?

Because there wasn't mushroom.

A woman goes to a tattooist to get a butterfly done on each of her bum cheeks.

The tattooist says to her, ''I don't do butterflies, but I can put bees on there.''

She says ok and gets the tattoos done.

She goes home and shows her husband.

''Who the hell is BoB?'' he asks.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam in London on the Hammersmith flyover.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP’s during a sitting of parliament,
and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to
douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks

The man replies,

Saw this one elsewhere and it tickled me ...

The first day of basic training at a US Marine camp and the drill sergeant is inspecting his new 'troops'. He rounds on a particularly sorry looking specimen and barks at him, "What's your name, soldier".

"Pizza!" comes the reply.

"I did not ask you your favourite food", yells the sarge, "What's your NAME, solider".

"Pizza!"

"I do not want your nickname or any sh*t like that", screams the sergeant, "Give me your name or I swear I will beat the goddam crap out of you!"

"Pizza!"

Well the sergeant loses his rag and lays into the new recruit, giving him a hell of a beating and leaving him lying bloodied on the ground. He turns to the two men next to the beaten recruit.

"You two, get this POS to the medic!"

The two soldiers pick up their fallen comrade and one of them turn to the sergeant and asks,

"What shall we do with Pete's rifle, sah?"

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he
could use his bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that
Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

That afternoon, Obama told Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he
said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't
have something so self-indulgent! (yeah right !)"

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary
smiled and said to Bill, "I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

Wife told me to stop impersonating butter -

But i cant help it...Im on a roll

a guys walking past the psychiatric hospital and he hears the distant sound of voices chanting..... "13....13....13.....13.......

strange he thinks and strolls along, the chanting getting louder and louder............."13..........13.......

he keeps plodding along and eventually the shouting is deafening.............THIRTEEN.............THIRTEEN................THIRTEEN.......

he eventually finds a piece of fence with a hole in and thinks, im going see whats going on.
so he sheepishly looks through the hole when a finger pokes him straight in the eye..............

"14.........14.......

A red-headed young lady in an open car is stopped by a herd of sheep on a country lane. Spying the shepherd, she makes him an offer: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"

The shepherd thinks about this and then decides, what the hell, and agrees. Quick as a flash the young lady says 'four hundred and twenty-three'.

The shepherd is surprised that this is the correct number, and the young lady picks one and loads it into the car.

As she prepares to go, the shepherd asks "If I can guess your original hair colour, can I have it back?"

She thinks that's only fair, and he says 'Blonde!"

"How did you guess?" she asks, as she helps him get his dog out of the car...

BC rear springs

The Somali team have just been banned from the olympics.

They didn't realise that sailing and shooting were meant to be 2 separate events.

Stolen from elsewhere...

Q. How do you milk sheep?

A. Release a new iPhone

Whats small amd purple?

A dead baby....

Too much?

You seem to have missed the fundamental point of a joke, i.e. it should be funny, or at least amusing in some way.

Elvis, my pet mouse, has just died.

He was caught in a trap.

I've just split up with my girlfriend.
She was a midget.
I was nuts over her.

There are loads of benefits to living in Switzerland; beautiful scenery, high standard of living...


...the flag is a big plus too.

or maybe he was trying to offer a crap joke. My limited understanding tells me that this should attempt to be at least slightly funny, but fail miserably.

It always strikes me as a little odd that crap-joke threads turn immediately into funny joke threads.

A young man is going on his first date, but doesn't know what to talk about with his female companion, so he asks his dad for advice.

"Well," says his dad, "You can take an interest in them, ask about her family and so on. Or you could talk about what music she likes. If all else fails then talk about philosophy."

So the young couple meet up at McDonald's and an awkward silence falls between them. Remembering his dad's advice the lad asks, "So, have you got any brothers or sisters?"

"No." comes the reply, and silence falls again.

"Do you like heavy metal music?" ventures the boy.

"No.", and silence follows.

Eventually the lad asks, "So, if you had a brother would he like heavy metal?"

The head of a physics department at a university is on the carpet in front of the dean.

"Why does it cost so much to run your department?" the Dean demands. "Why can't you be more like the maths department? All they ever ask for are pencils, papers and erasers. Better still, why can't you be like the philosophy department? All they ever ask for are pens and paper!"

What's the difference between a woman jogging and a singer sewing machine?

The sewing machine's only got one bobbin.

The head account and the chief engineer happen to see a fellow failing to wash his hands in the gents.

"One of your engineers?" asks the accountant. "We've trained our accountants to wash their hands."

"Ah, yes, I believe it is. We've trained our engineers not to pee on their fingers..."

The wife has told me to get her something silky for her birthday,

No doubt this emulsion will be the wrong coiour...

My misses wanted to see Jeremy Kyle live for her birthday, So I got her two sisters pregnant - we're on next Tuesday . . .

It's my wife's birthday next week and I've got her a matching bag and belt.

Not cheap stuff either, genuine Hoover parts.

I'm addicted to brake fluid ... I can stop anytime I want though.

I used to be addicted to power-steering hydraulic fluid. Now that I've stopped using, I do feel as if I'm heading in a better direction.

My mum's star sign was Cancer so it's really quite ironic how she died...



...attacked by a giant crab.

My wife wanted a fur coat for her birthday... any animal. So I got her a donkey jacket.

It makes me laugh when I see all these sheep queuing up for the new iPhone.

What kind of idiot dashes out to buy the same old tired product just because it's had a new number slapped onto it? And the suckers are still prepared to pay full price!

Anyway, I'm off to preorder my copy of FIFA 13.

I'm allergic to people with colds.

They make me sneeze.