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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1420797
08/04/2013 21:55
08/04/2013 21:55
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Muzzynumber2
Unregistered
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Muzzynumber2
Unregistered
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She's only been in hell for a day and has already shut down 3 furnaces.
R.I.P iron lady
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1422067
14/04/2013 23:32
14/04/2013 23:32
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,446 Essex
evo_number_one
My job on the forum
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My job on the forum
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,446
Essex
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Chap comes home from work. Walking into his front room, he is dumb-founded to see 4 armchairs and 2 sofas.
“What’s with the extra set of chairs love?” he calls to the Wife.
The Wife walks in from the hall and is as confused as he is. “Where have they come? I’ve only just got home myself. Tommy! Tommy, get down here now”, she called to her Son.
Tommy comes down and claims he knows nothing either – “They were here when I got home from school Mum”.
“No use to us – phone one of them charities who collect furniture tomorrow and see if they can come and take them away” the Husband said to the Wife.
The next night, he gets home and there are now 6 armchairs and 3 sofas!
“What the …..” he starts.
“I don’t know” says the Wife walking in. “Tommy said they were here when he got home from school again. The Charity shop said they will come next Monday, so they can take these extra ones as well”.
The next day, the husband finishes work early and gets home just after 3:30pm. He is relieved to see that there are no additional armchairs or sofas and is just about to walk out of the room, when up the path he sees Tommy and several of his mates, pushing and dragging 2 armchairs and a sofa to the front door.
Dad rushes to the door and screams “Tommy! So it has got something to do with you. Come on, where have you and your so called Mates been stealing these from?”
“Dad” pleads Tommy “We have not stolen anything – honest, you must believe me.”
“Why should I believe you? You have lied to me, and you have lied to your Mum about not knowing anything about these chairs - and now you want me to believe you have not stolen them! Come on then – where did you get them from?”
“Dad, this bloke with a big van in the car park up by the swings in the park gave them to us – honest, it’s the truth”.
The fathers face dropped. He put a hand on Tommy shoulder.
“Tommy, the lies were bad enough, but now this. You know, since you were a very small boy me and your Mum have always told you………
Never accept suites from a Stranger!”
105
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1424808
30/04/2013 02:47
30/04/2013 02:47
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,512 Aldershot
PeteP
Hon Club Member 005, Membership Secretary
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Hon Club Member 005, Membership Secretary
Forum Fossil
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,512
Aldershot
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One mother Ms. Smith, calls another mother Ms. Jones, and tells her eight year old William Jones was caught caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary Smith,her eight-year-old daughter. William's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
16VT and X1/9 1500
We must all do our part for the planet. I unplugged a row of electric cars that nobody was using.
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1425883
06/05/2013 16:37
06/05/2013 16:37
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,446 Essex
evo_number_one
My job on the forum
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My job on the forum
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,446
Essex
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A lady walked into a Police Station looking distressed. The desk Sergeant asked "Can I help you Madam?" "Yes, I'd like to report a case of sexual assault" "When and where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked. "In the park about 10 minutes ago" she replied. "Can you describe what happened?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath on the far side of the park when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my clothes, dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me". "Can you describe hime to me?" "He was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pad things that went from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg". "Hmmm. Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady, "He was, and he was an Australian Cricketer". "That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "I take it you've worked that out from his accent?" "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".......
105
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1426387
09/05/2013 09:20
09/05/2013 09:20
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Mark3009
Unregistered
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Mark3009
Unregistered
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When I die, I really hope that it is in my sleep - just like Granddad.
........not screaming and shouting like the passengers in his car.
Last edited by Mark3009; 09/05/2013 09:22.
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: Paul_V]
#1432975
13/06/2013 17:59
13/06/2013 17:59
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,144 Southampton, Hants
Roadking
Club member 1809
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Club member 1809
Forum is my life
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,144
Southampton, Hants
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I just got a phone call from a representative from Google. "We're campaigning to get people to sign an on-line petition supporting our company tax arrangements in light of the government's plans for an investigation." "You can right off," I told him. "It's the law abiding tax payer like me who suffers because of bastards like Google. You're getting no support from me!" There was a pause before he added, "We know your browsing history." "It's about time somebody stood up to the Government. I'm logging in as we speak."
"RK's way seems the most sensible to me". ali_hire 16 Dec 2010
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1433205
14/06/2013 21:33
14/06/2013 21:33
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Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 702 Cornwall
jasgol
Enjoying the ride
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Enjoying the ride
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 702
Cornwall
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Just got a job playing triangle in a reggae band. It's pretty easy, I just stand at the back and ting.
Horsing around's a serious business.
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1435354
27/06/2013 22:12
27/06/2013 22:12
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Muzzynumber2
Unregistered
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Muzzynumber2
Unregistered
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Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street one day when paddy spots a mirror, picks it up and looks at it. "Hey, I recognise him" says paddy. Murphy grabs the mirror off paddy and takes a look. "it's me you daft git" replies Murphy.
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1436361
03/07/2013 20:44
03/07/2013 20:44
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Nello
Unregistered
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Nello
Unregistered
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Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.
Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind." "Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons." "You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."
The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1436368
03/07/2013 21:37
03/07/2013 21:37
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,546 Northumberland
AndrewR
I AM a Coop
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I AM a Coop
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 12,546
Northumberland
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My parents were really shocked at the weekend when I introduced them to my new black girlfriend.
They're so old-fashioned ... they think I should be faithful to my wife.
Dear monos, a secret truth.
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Re: Crap joke thread
[Re: MattM]
#1436558
05/07/2013 08:02
05/07/2013 08:02
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Muzzynumber2
Unregistered
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Muzzynumber2
Unregistered
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Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work!
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