*Copyright Noddy Holder 1976

I bought a stairlift the other day which turned out to be faulty. It's been driving me up the wall.

Holy thread resurrection, Batman!



When it comes to nuclear war, the main difference is -

North Korea have a desk with a button..

America have a desk with a knob!

What's green, fuzzy and would likely kill you if it fell out of a tree?


A pool table.

Mods please move this if it's not suitable. It's actually a serious post, but as I've been having this issue since last week that actually sounds so stupid (well, most of my car problems do, come to think of it) and is annoying me so much, I thought I'd might as well as add it to this thread. At least get a chuckle out of it as well as some much needed advice.

Basically, I did an oil change on my Coop and since then there's been a chirping sound coming from the engine. It happens whether the engine is idling, revving, cold, hot - basically all the time.

The strangest thing is it seems loudest in the early hours of the morning, regardless of whether the engine is hot or cold. So basically, say I start it up at 6am. The chirping is at maximum volume. I let the engine get really hot. I then turn it off. I then start it up again immediately. The chirping will still be at maximum volume. But then, one day I may not start the car up until the evening, and when I do turn it on (obviously a cold start), the chirping volume will be half of what it was as described in the former scenario.

I've checked the oil level and it seems ok. Also the car drives fine too. It's just that this sound is so bad. I used to think the Coop's squeaking brakes gave me a headache but this is literally giving me a migraine.

Has anyone else had this problem with Kestrel GTX?

Thanks.

My mum said I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti but you should have seen her face when I drove pasta..

A man was at a car dealership one day, looking to buy a new car.

However, none of the cars that were on display there interested him.

He was about to leave when one of the salesmen who had taken a customer for a test drive in an Audi, drove past him with his window down. The man suddenly sneezed and one of his glass eyes came flying out. It went through the open window and ended up in the Audi.

The salesman stopped the car, got out and gave the man his glass eye back.

Putting his glass eye back in, the man said to the salesman, ''I'm interested in buying this car. It really caught my eye.''

Two people just knocked on the door asking if I would be interested in donating money to Greenpeace.

"No thanks mate." I said. "I've still got two bags of frozen ones left over from Christmas."

Asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said "heres a clue, former England goalkeeper".

How was I supposed to know she meant Flowers...

Not the south gate, then? (grin, duck, run...)

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night - should have had it on aloha temperature

I'm assuming it was the pony-tailed David, he of Arsenal and England.......

A guy who loves playing pranks decides to go around and stick wrong badges on any debadged cars that he comes across.

He first sees a Lotus Elise. He smiles as he sticks on a Volvo badge.

Next he spots an Alfa Romeo 4C. He chuckles as he sticks on a Citroen badge.

He then finds a Porsche 911. He giggles as he sticks on a Skoda badge.

He finally sees a car but he doesn't know what it is. And with tears rolling down his face from laughing so hard that his stomach hurts, he sticks a Fiat badge on a Fiat Coupe.

I have a phobia about speed bumps.



I'm slowly getting over it.

Did you hear about the Rabbi who botched a circumcision?



He got the sack.

two blondes walk into a building...

you'd think at least one of them would have seen it!

I offered my gran £5 for a go on her stair lift.

I think she's going to take me up on it!

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday

It can't have been me, because I didn't even know it was her birthday....

An old man drove past me on a tractor this morning and told me the end was nigh...

I think it was Farmer Gedden.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts!

When I noticed that one of my male organs was growing larger I was delighted. But after several weeks it had grown out of all proportion and was having trouble walking so the wife and I went to see a urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained that, though my condition was rare, it could be fixed by surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked.

"Crutches? Why should he need crutches?" responded the doctor.

"Well" said my wife

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any

What do you call a fish that likes to modify cars? A tuna.

The other day I used a store discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen. I only got 10% off.

The other day I used Vicks VapoRub to polish my car. My neighbour looked at me as if I was menthol.

The other day I went on a trackday. Instead of standard unleaded I filled up with tomato puree. It made a huge difference because none of the other cars could ketchup.

A woman laughed at her husband when he said he could build a car out of macaroni and teach a fish how to drive it. The next day as she went for a walk, she got a shock as a tuna drove pasta.

<groan>

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said "Can you please describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer is a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

As I started to unload my seriously full trolley at the till, I noticed a little old lady behind me holding only a pint of milk....

"Is that all you've got?" I asked. "Yes" she smiled.

"Well" I replied, "You'd better find another till, I'm going to be f***ing ages!"

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself

What did the pirate say when he reached 80?