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Re: Crap joke thread [Re: DanTheManc] #1595616
03/03/2017 16:49
03/03/2017 16:49
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 3,917
The Faringdon Folly
O
oxfordSteve Offline
Forum is my job
oxfordSteve  Offline
Forum is my job
O

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 3,917
The Faringdon Folly
Originally Posted By DanTheManc
Brummie walks into a tailors.
"Alroit, mate. I'd like a 70s suit, please."
The tailor says, "Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?"
Brummie says, "Thanks mate, two sugars please."


*Copyright Noddy Holder 1976




Re: Crap joke thread [Re: oxfordSteve] #1596117
09/03/2017 09:57
09/03/2017 09:57
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,468
J
JKD Offline
Forum is my job
JKD  Offline
Forum is my job
J

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,468
I bought a stairlift the other day which turned out to be faulty. It's been driving me up the wall.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: JKD] #1614066
05/01/2018 13:03
05/01/2018 13:03
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 5,879
2011 and 2015 FCCUK F1 Champ.
B
bezzer Offline
Forum is my life
bezzer  Offline
Forum is my life
B

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 5,879
2011 and 2015 FCCUK F1 Champ.
Holy thread resurrection, Batman!



When it comes to nuclear war, the main difference is -

North Korea have a desk with a button..

America have a desk with a knob!

coat



......My Boy...... (PB #7)
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: bezzer] #1614067
05/01/2018 13:10
05/01/2018 13:10
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 10,756
Auld Reekie
Edinburgh Offline
Club Board member
Edinburgh  Offline
Club Board member
I AM a Coop

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 10,756
Auld Reekie
laugh


[Linked Image]

So there, Photobucket...
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1614236
09/01/2018 13:05
09/01/2018 13:05
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 344
S Wales
Morrison Offline
Club member 1566
Morrison  Offline
Club member 1566
Making a profit

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 344
S Wales
What's green, fuzzy and would likely kill you if it fell out of a tree?


A pool table.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: Morrison] #1614535
16/01/2018 00:36
16/01/2018 00:36
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,468
J
JKD Offline
Forum is my job
JKD  Offline
Forum is my job
J

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,468
Mods please move this if it's not suitable. It's actually a serious post, but as I've been having this issue since last week that actually sounds so stupid (well, most of my car problems do, come to think of it) and is annoying me so much, I thought I'd might as well as add it to this thread. At least get a chuckle out of it as well as some much needed advice. rolleyes

Basically, I did an oil change on my Coop and since then there's been a chirping sound coming from the engine. It happens whether the engine is idling, revving, cold, hot - basically all the time.

The strangest thing is it seems loudest in the early hours of the morning, regardless of whether the engine is hot or cold. So basically, say I start it up at 6am. The chirping is at maximum volume. I let the engine get really hot. I then turn it off. I then start it up again immediately. The chirping will still be at maximum volume. But then, one day I may not start the car up until the evening, and when I do turn it on (obviously a cold start), the chirping volume will be half of what it was as described in the former scenario.

I've checked the oil level and it seems ok. Also the car drives fine too. It's just that this sound is so bad. I used to think the Coop's squeaking brakes gave me a headache but this is literally giving me a migraine.

Has anyone else had this problem with Kestrel GTX?

Thanks.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: JKD] #1614741
19/01/2018 19:56
19/01/2018 19:56
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 840
Warrington
G_Man Offline
Club member 1656
G_Man  Offline
Club member 1656
Enjoying the ride

Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 840
Warrington
My mum said I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti but you should have seen her face when I drove pasta.. coat

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: G_Man] #1614746
19/01/2018 21:44
19/01/2018 21:44
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,468
J
JKD Offline
Forum is my job
JKD  Offline
Forum is my job
J

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,468
A man was at a car dealership one day, looking to buy a new car.

However, none of the cars that were on display there interested him.

He was about to leave when one of the salesmen who had taken a customer for a test drive in an Audi, drove past him with his window down. The man suddenly sneezed and one of his glass eyes came flying out. It went through the open window and ended up in the Audi.

The salesman stopped the car, got out and gave the man his glass eye back.

Putting his glass eye back in, the man said to the salesman, ''I'm interested in buying this car. It really caught my eye.''

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: JKD] #1614759
20/01/2018 10:40
20/01/2018 10:40
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,999
Costa Del Sawley
Paul_V Offline
My life on the forum
Paul_V  Offline
My life on the forum

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,999
Costa Del Sawley
Two people just knocked on the door asking if I would be interested in donating money to Greenpeace.

"No thanks mate." I said. "I've still got two bags of frozen ones left over from Christmas."

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1617329
15/03/2018 14:30
15/03/2018 14:30
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 282
Kidderminster
kev_megadon Offline
Making a profit
kev_megadon  Offline
Making a profit

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 282
Kidderminster
Asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said "heres a clue, former England goalkeeper".

How was I supposed to know she meant Flowers...

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1617352
16/03/2018 06:35
16/03/2018 06:35
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 32,218
Hemel in the Hempstead
barnacle Offline
Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
barnacle  Offline
Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
Forum Demigod

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 32,218
Hemel in the Hempstead
Not the south gate, then? (grin, duck, run...)


[Linked Image]
Don't get no respect! [b]Coupe Fiat 1994-2000 - an owner's guide[/b] <-- clicky!
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: barnacle] #1617394
16/03/2018 18:55
16/03/2018 18:55
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 840
Warrington
G_Man Offline
Club member 1656
G_Man  Offline
Club member 1656
Enjoying the ride

Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 840
Warrington
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night - should have had it on aloha temperature rolleyes

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: barnacle] #1617573
20/03/2018 08:21
20/03/2018 08:21
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 5,879
2011 and 2015 FCCUK F1 Champ.
B
bezzer Offline
Forum is my life
bezzer  Offline
Forum is my life
B

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 5,879
2011 and 2015 FCCUK F1 Champ.
Originally Posted By barnacle
Not the south gate, then? (grin, duck, run...)


I'm assuming it was the pony-tailed David, he of Arsenal and England.......



......My Boy...... (PB #7)
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: bezzer] #1617764
24/03/2018 15:42
24/03/2018 15:42
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,468
J
JKD Offline
Forum is my job
JKD  Offline
Forum is my job
J

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,468
A guy who loves playing pranks decides to go around and stick wrong badges on any debadged cars that he comes across.

He first sees a Lotus Elise. He smiles as he sticks on a Volvo badge.

Next he spots an Alfa Romeo 4C. He chuckles as he sticks on a Citroen badge.

He then finds a Porsche 911. He giggles as he sticks on a Skoda badge.

He finally sees a car but he doesn't know what it is. And with tears rolling down his face from laughing so hard that his stomach hurts, he sticks a Fiat badge on a Fiat Coupe.

coat

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1623283
25/07/2018 09:05
25/07/2018 09:05
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 344
S Wales
Morrison Offline
Club member 1566
Morrison  Offline
Club member 1566
Making a profit

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 344
S Wales
I have a phobia about speed bumps.



I'm slowly getting over it.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1623369
27/07/2018 15:06
27/07/2018 15:06
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 344
S Wales
Morrison Offline
Club member 1566
Morrison  Offline
Club member 1566
Making a profit

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 344
S Wales
Did you hear about the Rabbi who botched a circumcision?



He got the sack.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1623370
27/07/2018 15:09
27/07/2018 15:09
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,646
Dark side of the Moon
H_R Offline
Club member 1114
H_R  Offline
Club member 1114
My life on the forum

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,646
Dark side of the Moon
two blondes walk into a building...

you'd think at least one of them would have seen it!

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1624545
30/08/2018 18:33
30/08/2018 18:33
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 282
Kidderminster
kev_megadon Offline
Making a profit
kev_megadon  Offline
Making a profit

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 282
Kidderminster
I offered my gran £5 for a go on her stair lift.

I think she's going to take me up on it!

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1624558
31/08/2018 07:46
31/08/2018 07:46
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 17,157
Staffordshire
Nigel Online sleepy
Club Member 123
Nigel  Online Sleepy
Club Member 123
Forum veteran

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 17,157
Staffordshire
My wife accused me of ruining her birthday

It can't have been me, because I didn't even know it was her birthday....


[Linked Image]
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: Nigel] #1624583
31/08/2018 20:26
31/08/2018 20:26
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,999
Costa Del Sawley
Paul_V Offline
My life on the forum
Paul_V  Offline
My life on the forum

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,999
Costa Del Sawley
An old man drove past me on a tractor this morning and told me the end was nigh...

I think it was Farmer Gedden.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1624590
01/09/2018 10:13
01/09/2018 10:13
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,646
Dark side of the Moon
H_R Offline
Club member 1114
H_R  Offline
Club member 1114
My life on the forum

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,646
Dark side of the Moon
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts!

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1628610
14/01/2019 18:51
14/01/2019 18:51
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 19,170
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
Club Member 005
PeteP  Offline
Club Member 005
Forum veteran

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 19,170
Aldershot
When I noticed that one of my male organs was growing larger I was delighted. But after several weeks it had grown out of all proportion and was having trouble walking so the wife and I went to see a urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained that, though my condition was rare, it could be fixed by surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked.

"Crutches? Why should he need crutches?" responded the doctor.

"Well" said my wife
Click to reveal...
"You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"


16VT and X1/9 1500
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1628616
14/01/2019 19:58
14/01/2019 19:58
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,646
Dark side of the Moon
H_R Offline
Club member 1114
H_R  Offline
Club member 1114
My life on the forum

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,646
Dark side of the Moon
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: H_R] #1629217
04/02/2019 01:34
04/02/2019 01:34
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,468
J
JKD Offline
Forum is my job
JKD  Offline
Forum is my job
J

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,468
What do you call a fish that likes to modify cars? A tuna.

The other day I used a store discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen. I only got 10% off.

The other day I used Vicks VapoRub to polish my car. My neighbour looked at me as if I was menthol.

The other day I went on a trackday. Instead of standard unleaded I filled up with tomato puree. It made a huge difference because none of the other cars could ketchup.

A woman laughed at her husband when he said he could build a car out of macaroni and teach a fish how to drive it. The next day as she went for a walk, she got a shock as a tuna drove pasta.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1629242
04/02/2019 18:15
04/02/2019 18:15
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 32,218
Hemel in the Hempstead
barnacle Offline
Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
barnacle  Offline
Club Member 18 - ex-Minister without Portfolio
Forum Demigod

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 32,218
Hemel in the Hempstead
<groan>


[Linked Image]
Don't get no respect! [b]Coupe Fiat 1994-2000 - an owner's guide[/b] <-- clicky!
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1629373
08/02/2019 14:03
08/02/2019 14:03
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 5,879
2011 and 2015 FCCUK F1 Champ.
B
bezzer Offline
Forum is my life
bezzer  Offline
Forum is my life
B

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 5,879
2011 and 2015 FCCUK F1 Champ.
I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said "Can you please describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer is a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"



......My Boy...... (PB #7)
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1629374
08/02/2019 14:06
08/02/2019 14:06
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 5,879
2011 and 2015 FCCUK F1 Champ.
B
bezzer Offline
Forum is my life
bezzer  Offline
Forum is my life
B

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 5,879
2011 and 2015 FCCUK F1 Champ.
As I started to unload my seriously full trolley at the till, I noticed a little old lady behind me holding only a pint of milk....

"Is that all you've got?" I asked. "Yes" she smiled.

"Well" I replied, "You'd better find another till, I'm going to be f***ing ages!"



......My Boy...... (PB #7)
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1629376
08/02/2019 14:17
08/02/2019 14:17
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,646
Dark side of the Moon
H_R Offline
Club member 1114
H_R  Offline
Club member 1114
My life on the forum

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,646
Dark side of the Moon
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1629377
08/02/2019 14:17
08/02/2019 14:17
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,646
Dark side of the Moon
H_R Offline
Club member 1114
H_R  Offline
Club member 1114
My life on the forum

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,646
Dark side of the Moon
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1629576
12/02/2019 14:17
12/02/2019 14:17
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 19,170
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
Club Member 005
PeteP  Offline
Club Member 005
Forum veteran

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 19,170
Aldershot
What did the pirate say when he reached 80?

Aye Matey


16VT and X1/9 1500
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