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Re: Crap joke thread [Re: PeteP] #1637411
07/12/2019 23:02
07/12/2019 23:02
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
Paul_V Offline
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Posts: 2,000
Costa Del Sawley
I've just met a Chinese drug addict.He said "Have you seen my cocaine?".
I said "Not since he starred in Zulu".

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1638734
28/01/2020 00:54
28/01/2020 00:54
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 19,726
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
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A couple of days late.

Attached Files

16VT and X1/9 1500
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1638797
30/01/2020 17:23
30/01/2020 17:23
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,223
S. Wales. Way beyond my means
Gripped Offline
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I need some sleep

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Posts: 3,223
S. Wales. Way beyond my means
Got diverted to the wrong airport in Brazil.

It was just a landing strip.

wink

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1640307
30/03/2020 17:16
30/03/2020 17:16
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 19,726
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
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Let's lower the tone a bit.

Attached Files
test results.jpg (367 downloads)

16VT and X1/9 1500
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: PeteP] #1640309
30/03/2020 17:28
30/03/2020 17:28
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 15,183
FCSS 01684 593187
Countrycruising Offline
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Originally Posted by PeteP
Let's lower the tone a bit.


laugh

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: Countrycruising] #1640388
03/04/2020 12:03
03/04/2020 12:03
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,080
Alcester
mikndo69 Offline
Club Member 1766
mikndo69  Offline
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Enjoying the ride

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,080
Alcester
Originally Posted by Countrycruising
Originally Posted by PeteP
Let's lower the tone a bit.


laugh


Fantastic


Fast as FCCUK.org
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1640435
06/04/2020 10:55
06/04/2020 10:55
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 19,726
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
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Posts: 19,726
Aldershot
Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"


16VT and X1/9 1500
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: PeteP] #1640437
06/04/2020 15:19
06/04/2020 15:19
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 4,533
highlands
jimboy Offline
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Forum is my job

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highlands
This made my wife & I laugh out loud.... laugh


I'm an old git & happy with it,most of the time
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1640529
11/04/2020 17:36
11/04/2020 17:36
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 19,726
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
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A memory for those who have been to sea in the Far East.

Attached Files
thailand.jpg (257 downloads)

16VT and X1/9 1500
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: PeteP] #1640890
01/05/2020 00:24
01/05/2020 00:24
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
J
JKD Offline
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JKD  Offline
Forum is my job
J

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.

They lied, everyone else had clothes on.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: JKD] #1640891
01/05/2020 00:34
01/05/2020 00:34
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
J
JKD Offline
Forum is my job
JKD  Offline
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J

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
My friend David had his ID stolen the other day.

Now I just call him Dav.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: JKD] #1640892
01/05/2020 00:36
01/05/2020 00:36
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
J
JKD Offline
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JKD  Offline
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J

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
I met a woman who said she was a huge Monkees fan.

She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical.

Then I saw her place...

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: JKD] #1640893
01/05/2020 00:44
01/05/2020 00:44
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
J
JKD Offline
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JKD  Offline
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J

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
I have a condition where I deny the existence of old English rock bands.

There is no Cure.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1640900
01/05/2020 11:08
01/05/2020 11:08
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,345
Kent
Submariner Offline
My job on the forum
Submariner  Offline
My job on the forum

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Posts: 1,345
Kent
Superb!

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1641340
25/05/2020 20:40
25/05/2020 20:40
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 19,726
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
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Very true.

Attached Files
bangkok.jpg (205 downloads)

16VT and X1/9 1500
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1641369
26/05/2020 19:19
26/05/2020 19:19
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 19,726
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
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Forum veteran

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 19,726
Aldershot
Dave works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.

His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no!" says Dave."He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!"


16VT and X1/9 1500
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: PeteP] #1641372
27/05/2020 10:38
27/05/2020 10:38
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
J
JKD Offline
Forum is my job
JKD  Offline
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J

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
Is that the same Dave from the Everyone Knows Dave joke?

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: JKD] #1641392
27/05/2020 21:43
27/05/2020 21:43
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
J
JKD Offline
Forum is my job
JKD  Offline
Forum is my job
J

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Posts: 4,573
A 90 year old man walks into a crowded GP surgery waiting room and approaches the desk. The receptionist asks, "Yes Sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replies.

The receptionist becomes irritated and says, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he says.

The receptionist replies, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replies, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walks out, waits several minutes and then comes in again.

The receptionist smiles smugly and asks, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he states.

The receptionist nods approvingly and smiles knowing he has taken her advice. She asks, "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

He replies, "I can't piss out of it."

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: JKD] #1641393
27/05/2020 21:59
27/05/2020 21:59
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
J
JKD Offline
Forum is my job
JKD  Offline
Forum is my job
J

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
A woman starts going into labour and so her husband calls 111.

"My wife is going into labour, what should I do?" he asks the 111 operator.

"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.

He replies, "No, this is her husband."

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: JKD] #1641394
27/05/2020 22:10
27/05/2020 22:10
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
J
JKD Offline
Forum is my job
JKD  Offline
Forum is my job
J

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
An air hostess asks a passenger, "Would you like a drink?"

The passenger asks, "What are my options?"

The air hostess replies, "Yes or no."

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: JKD] #1641395
27/05/2020 22:19
27/05/2020 22:19
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
J
JKD Offline
Forum is my job
JKD  Offline
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J

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
I've been feeling stressed out lately so I went to the doctor.

He asked me, "Do you feel under pressure?"

I replied, "To be completely honest, I prefer Bohemian Rhapsody."

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: JKD] #1641470
01/06/2020 17:35
01/06/2020 17:35
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
J
JKD Offline
Forum is my job
JKD  Offline
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J

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1641472
01/06/2020 18:13
01/06/2020 18:13
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 11,557
Auld Reekie
Edinburgh Offline
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I AM a Coop

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Posts: 11,557
Auld Reekie
^^^ laugh


Thanks again, Photobucket.
BumbleBee under restoration, back from paintshop!...in lockdown:(
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: Edinburgh] #1641502
03/06/2020 20:02
03/06/2020 20:02
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
J
JKD Offline
Forum is my job
JKD  Offline
Forum is my job
J

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
A man and his wife go to see a marriage counsellor.

The counsellor asks the wife, "So why do you want to end your marriage?"

The wife replies, "I'm sick and tired of the constant Star Wars puns. He's been making them for the last 3 bloody years!"

The counsellor then asks the husband, "Is this true?"

The husband replies, "Yes. Divorce is strong with this one."







Why did the Jedi jockey lose the race?

Because he forgot to use the horse.







I had conjunctivitis a couple of months ago. I checked last night and it looks like I've got it again. Seems like a Return of the Red Eye.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1641556
06/06/2020 13:09
06/06/2020 13:09
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 19,726
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
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Aldershot
So, my wife and I were watching TV last night.

She said she was bored with the repetitive, monotonous chores she had to do every single day during lockdown; and that I had it far too easy.

Huh, she thinks I have it far too easy!! So, I thought I'll show her.

Being the loving, caring husband I am, I said right tomorrow we'll swap roles and chores.

Well, I've just done the dishes, but I bet she doesn't last two minutes reading the Fiat Coupe Facebook page and watching porn all day


16VT and X1/9 1500
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1641594
08/06/2020 05:33
08/06/2020 05:33
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,662
Brisbane, Australia
Possum Offline
My life on the forum
Possum  Offline
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Posts: 1,662
Brisbane, Australia
I wanted to buy an aircraft,

But, my wife Cess-na!


Re: Crap joke thread [Re: Possum] #1641609
09/06/2020 02:53
09/06/2020 02:53
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
J
JKD Offline
Forum is my job
JKD  Offline
Forum is my job
J

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,573
I told my wife I wasn't sure whether I wanted to buy the iPhone XS Max, the Samsung Galaxy S10 or a large sailing boat with an engine and a place to sleep on board.

My wife said, "Yacht are you talking about?"

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