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Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1644122
04/09/2020 16:15
04/09/2020 16:15
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J
JKD Offline
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J

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Posts: 4,641
Did you hear about the guy who had no anus?

He had an ass whole.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1644206
09/09/2020 06:43
09/09/2020 06:43
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 985
Warrington
G_Man Offline
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Enjoying the ride

Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 985
Warrington
Job interview situation:

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Candidate: No, but I can give bohemian rhapsody a go.

rolleyes

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1644272
11/09/2020 19:49
11/09/2020 19:49
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 20,116
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
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Aldershot
Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Aye"
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'
Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”
Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doing all right."
Welshman: (look of shock)
Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”
Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."
Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welshman: "That sheep's a liar, don't believe a word he says!!”


16VT and X1/9 1500
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1644289
12/09/2020 15:22
12/09/2020 15:22
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 20,116
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
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Aldershot
An old, blind sailor wandered into an all-girl bikers' bar by mistake.
He found his way to a bar stool and ordered some rum .

After sitting there for awhile, he yelled to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately fell absolutely silent, and in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him said,"Before you tell that joke, sailor boy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, sailor boy , Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The sailor thought for a second, shook his head, and muttered, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


16VT and X1/9 1500
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1644402
16/09/2020 18:46
16/09/2020 18:46
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 985
Warrington
G_Man Offline
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Enjoying the ride

Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 985
Warrington
Seen in the context of the exam results cluster fudge recently:

Got some AAA batteries at the shop but when I got home they were BCC's.

coat

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: G_Man] #1644544
23/09/2020 11:09
23/09/2020 11:09
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,641
J
JKD Offline
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J

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Posts: 4,641
I went to the theatre once and halfway through the play, all the actors fell through the floor. I'm sure they were ok though. They were just going through a stage.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1645333
19/10/2020 19:12
19/10/2020 19:12
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,321
S. Wales. Way beyond my means
Gripped Offline
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I need some sleep

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,321
S. Wales. Way beyond my means
Got fired from my job as a human cannon ball. I doubt they'll find anyone of the same calibre.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: Gripped] #1645340
19/10/2020 21:53
19/10/2020 21:53
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 12,356
Auld Reekie
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Auld Reekie
Originally Posted by Gripped
Got fired from my job as a human cannon ball. I doubt they'll find anyone of the same calibre.



They weren't pleased to get shot of you?


coat


BumbleBee under restoration, soon to emerge smile
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1645343
19/10/2020 23:01
19/10/2020 23:01
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,321
S. Wales. Way beyond my means
Gripped Offline
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I need some sleep

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,321
S. Wales. Way beyond my means
I think they were gunning for me all along.

redcard

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1645345
20/10/2020 07:25
20/10/2020 07:25
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 12,356
Auld Reekie
Edinburgh Online content
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Auld Reekie
Yeah, had you over a barrel sick


BumbleBee under restoration, soon to emerge smile
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: Edinburgh] #1645347
20/10/2020 08:44
20/10/2020 08:44
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,641
J
JKD Offline
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J

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Posts: 4,641
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office! Sincerely, Edna

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1645539
27/10/2020 14:52
27/10/2020 14:52
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 20,116
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
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My wife makes me take 1/4 Viagra tablet a day. It stops me peeing on my shoes.

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Last edited by PeteP; 28/10/2020 08:43.

16VT and X1/9 1500
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1647616
01/01/2021 16:07
01/01/2021 16:07
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Posts: 20,116
Aldershot
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Aldershot
.

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16VT and X1/9 1500
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1647617
01/01/2021 16:10
01/01/2021 16:10
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 12,356
Auld Reekie
Edinburgh Online content
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Auld Reekie
I forgot which line I was on...


BumbleBee under restoration, soon to emerge smile
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1647644
03/01/2021 09:54
03/01/2021 09:54
Joined: Dec 2005
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Berlin
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Berlin
Wouldn't have been a better test if the author had checked his spelling? Hint: us over fifties can spell 'forty'.


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Don't get no respect! [b]Coupe Fiat 1994-2000 - an owner's guide[/b] <-- clicky!
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1647646
03/01/2021 16:16
03/01/2021 16:16
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 7,544
Lightwater, Surrey, UK
DaveG Offline
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Je suis un Coupé

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Posts: 7,544
Lightwater, Surrey, UK
So here's the thing Neil, either you meant to say what you wrote verbatim, i.e. (It) wouldn't have been a better test if the author had checked his spelling..so that the question mark might be better relaced by an exclamation mark to emphasise the statement that even with correct spellings the test would not have been any better, or Wouldn't (it) have been a better test if the author had checked his spelling? where the question mark of course belongs to the question being asked...

Last edited by DaveG; 03/01/2021 16:17.

1996 Portofino 20vt & 2000 Pearl White Plus
1985½ & 2016 2017 Fiat 124 Spider + XF Sportbrake
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: DaveG] #1647647
03/01/2021 17:35
03/01/2021 17:35
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 4,664
highlands
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highlands
The question really, who gives a feck ?:D wrong spelling of course for obvious reasons. laugh


I'm an old git & happy with it,most of the time
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1647651
03/01/2021 20:09
03/01/2021 20:09
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Aldershot
PeteP Offline
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Aldershot
Indeed Jim, It was sent to me by an old friend in New Zealand and I thought it worth passing on, spelling and all.


16VT and X1/9 1500
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1647660
04/01/2021 11:09
04/01/2021 11:09
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 45
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
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P

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Cleveland
Nice one DaveG. Very dry !

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1647674
04/01/2021 14:57
04/01/2021 14:57
Joined: Dec 2005
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Berlin
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Berlin
But Dave, you know damn well there's a rule that any internet post criticising spelling or grammar must contain at least one error itself!

(My excuse is I'm suffering from German language lessons; it's buggering up my typing and English spelling...)


[Linked Image]
Don't get no respect! [b]Coupe Fiat 1994-2000 - an owner's guide[/b] <-- clicky!
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: PeteP] #1647678
04/01/2021 15:36
04/01/2021 15:36
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 15,489
FCSS 01684 593187
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Originally Posted by PeteP
.


laugh

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1647759
07/01/2021 22:40
07/01/2021 22:40
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Posts: 20,116
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
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>

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16VT and X1/9 1500
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: PeteP] #1647761
07/01/2021 22:45
07/01/2021 22:45
Joined: Mar 2007
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Auld Reekie
Edinburgh Online content
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Look again

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BumbleBee under restoration, soon to emerge smile
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1647767
08/01/2021 14:23
08/01/2021 14:23
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 45
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
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Cleveland
Nice one Simon.

Your musical taste is a little highbrow for me, but
Have you heard Pavarotti singing It's a man's world, with James Brown.

Check it out on YouTube, and tell me what you think.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: PaulL] #1647768
08/01/2021 14:38
08/01/2021 14:38
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 12,356
Auld Reekie
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Originally Posted by PaulL
Nice one Simon.

Your musical taste is a little highbrow for me, but
Have you heard Pavarotti singing It's a man's world, with James Brown.

Check it out on YouTube, and tell me what you think.


Oof, "can-of-worms"!

I'm moving your quote to a former "music-themed" thread Paul, and will reply there
smile

Last edited by Edinburgh; 08/01/2021 15:04. Reason: to be more accurate, a YouTube viewing thread

BumbleBee under restoration, soon to emerge smile
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1647810
11/01/2021 09:55
11/01/2021 09:55
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 12,356
Auld Reekie
Edinburgh Online content
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Found while sifting through grandparents' photos and souvenirs....



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Last edited by Edinburgh; 11/01/2021 10:09.

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Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1647837
11/01/2021 23:57
11/01/2021 23:57
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,700
Brisbane, Australia
Possum Offline
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Brisbane, Australia
Just for the record, a person born in '33 would have been 45 in '78.


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