Did you hear about the guy who had no anus?

He had an ass whole.

Job interview situation:

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Candidate: No, but I can give bohemian rhapsody a go.

Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Aye"
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'
Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”
Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doing all right."
Welshman: (look of shock)
Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”
Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."
Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welshman: "That sheep's a liar, don't believe a word he says!!”

An old, blind sailor wandered into an all-girl bikers' bar by mistake.
He found his way to a bar stool and ordered some rum .

After sitting there for awhile, he yelled to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately fell absolutely silent, and in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him said,"Before you tell that joke, sailor boy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, sailor boy , Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The sailor thought for a second, shook his head, and muttered, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Seen in the context of the exam results cluster fudge recently:

Got some AAA batteries at the shop but when I got home they were BCC's.

I went to the theatre once and halfway through the play, all the actors fell through the floor. I'm sure they were ok though. They were just going through a stage.

Got fired from my job as a human cannon ball. I doubt they'll find anyone of the same calibre.

They weren't pleased to get shot of you?

I think they were gunning for me all along.

Yeah, had you over a barrel

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office! Sincerely, Edna

My wife makes me take 1/4 Viagra tablet a day. It stops me peeing on my shoes.

.

I forgot which line I was on...

Wouldn't have been a better test if the author had checked his spelling? Hint: us over fifties can spell 'forty'.

So here's the thing Neil, either you meant to say what you wrote verbatim, i.e. (It) wouldn't have been a better test if the author had checked his spelling..so that the question mark might be better relaced by an exclamation mark to emphasise the statement that even with correct spellings the test would not have been any better, or Wouldn't (it) have been a better test if the author had checked his spelling? where the question mark of course belongs to the question being asked...

The question really, who gives a feck ?:D wrong spelling of course for obvious reasons.

Indeed Jim, It was sent to me by an old friend in New Zealand and I thought it worth passing on, spelling and all.

Nice one DaveG. Very dry !

But Dave, you know damn well there's a rule that any internet post criticising spelling or grammar must contain at least one error itself!

(My excuse is I'm suffering from German language lessons; it's buggering up my typing and English spelling...)

>

Look again

Nice one Simon.

Your musical taste is a little highbrow for me, but
Have you heard Pavarotti singing It's a man's world, with James Brown.

Check it out on YouTube, and tell me what you think.

Oof, "can-of-worms"!

I'm moving your quote to a former "music-themed" thread Paul, and will reply there

Found while sifting through grandparents' photos and souvenirs....

Just for the record, a person born in '33 would have been 45 in '78.