A farmer had a talking sheep dog.

He said to the dog 'see the valley down there ?'

In a gruff voice, the dog barked 'yus'

'Well', the farmer replied, 'it's full of sheep. Go down there and round them up'

'OK' came the barked response.

After about an hour, the farmer returned, to find his meadow full of sheep and his dog lying down calmly.

'Well done ' the farmer praised his dog. 'How many are there ?'

'Forty' the dog gruffed back.

'Forty ?' Asked the farmer, 'There were only 38 this morning '

The dog replied 'well, you asked me to round them up'

I've just got back from Tesco, where i swapped 50 currants for 100 sultanas.

I can't believe the current exchange rate.

Visited the local seafood restaurant last night.

I ordered the octopus.

The waiter said 'certainly sir, but it will be 4 hours'.

Shocked, I asked why it would take so long.

'well' he said, 'we cook the octopus live, and they keep reaching out and turning the gas off'.

I'm not saying that I m unlucky,

But, last time that I went to a funeral,

I caught the wreath.

What is the oldest profession ?

And no Pete, it's not what you are going to suggest.

It's a Disc Jockey !!

They've been around since records began.