A farmer had a talking sheep dog.

He said to the dog 'see the valley down there ?'

In a gruff voice, the dog barked 'yus'

'Well', the farmer replied, 'it's full of sheep. Go down there and round them up'

'OK' came the barked response.

After about an hour, the farmer returned, to find his meadow full of sheep and his dog lying down calmly.

'Well done ' the farmer praised his dog. 'How many are there ?'

'Forty' the dog gruffed back.

'Forty ?' Asked the farmer, 'There were only 38 this morning '

The dog replied 'well, you asked me to round them up'

I've just got back from Tesco, where i swapped 50 currants for 100 sultanas.

I can't believe the current exchange rate.

Visited the local seafood restaurant last night.

I ordered the octopus.

The waiter said 'certainly sir, but it will be 4 hours'.

Shocked, I asked why it would take so long.

'well' he said, 'we cook the octopus live, and they keep reaching out and turning the gas off'.

I'm not saying that I m unlucky,

But, last time that I went to a funeral,

I caught the wreath.

What is the oldest profession ?

And no Pete, it's not what you are going to suggest.

It's a Disc Jockey !!

They've been around since records began.

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO'S

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's store buying a large bag of dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco's

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Best joke ever

I was listening to the Jimmy Young Show this morning on the Light Programme on my transistor radio.

The disc jockey played a 45rpm record that I hadn't heard for some time.

It was a groovy kind of love by Crispian St Peters.

It reminded me of the joke.

What is the definition of A Groovy Kind of Love ?

Corduroy Durex

The man who invented velcro has died.
RIP

Time to change crackers Paul

We've been to a pop up restaurant.

They only sell toast.

I find French people unsettling.
They give me the crepes.

Gertrude, a 94 year old widow, was heart broken after her husband, Harold died, so she decided to end it all with his old army pistol.

Wanting to make sure she hit her heart and not just cripple herself she called a doctor and asked "Doctor where exactly is a womans heart?"

"Right below the left breast" he told her.

You daft bugger

When is the worst time to have a heart attack ?

When you are playing charades.

When Michael Jackson's brother Tito died, they wondered if it could be some form of long covid. After much research, they've decided to Blame it on the Boogie.

A recent survey has revealed that the smart phone is now the number one hand held device.

The penis has slipped into second place.

And I can't work either of them !

A chap visited a large toy store.

I'm looking for a Barbie doll for my granddaughter, he asked the assistant.

Certainly sir, this is the basic doll, she costs £ 10.

This is air hostess Barbie, she costs £ 15, with her uniform.

This is golfer Barbie, she costs £ 20, with her golf cart.

Finally, this is divorced Barbie, she costs £ 250.

£ 250 ! The chap is shattered. Why ?

That's because divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's boat and Ken's house.

When my dad turned 100, he got a telegram from the King.

When my niece turned 15, she got a telegram from Prince andrew.

Friends of ours have booked a holiday in Elevenerife.
It's like Tenerife, but one better.

The inventor of the throat lozenge died last week; unfortunately there will be no coffin at his funeral.

Chuckle Chuckle

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

Aargh!

I had to think a bit about that

I should have been annoyed when my torch batteries went flat, instead I was delighted.

Tequila Mockingbird is great !

Torch is down at my level !!!

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

An American travels to Ireland to buy a small holiday cottage

Out in the far west he finds one for sale owned by Paddy.
Paddy shows him round an eventually takes him to the bottom of the garden to see the outdoor dry toilet.

On the way back up the garden path the American says "Paddy, there's no lock on the toilet door, aren't you worried?"

Paddy shrugs and replies " I wouldn't worry sir, I've lived here over 40 years, and I've never had a bucket of shite stolen yet."