Did you hear about the guy who had no anus?

He had an ass whole.

Job interview situation:

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Candidate: No, but I can give bohemian rhapsody a go.

Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Aye"
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'
Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”
Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doing all right."
Welshman: (look of shock)
Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”
Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."
Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welshman: "That sheep's a liar, don't believe a word he says!!”

An old, blind sailor wandered into an all-girl bikers' bar by mistake.
He found his way to a bar stool and ordered some rum .

After sitting there for awhile, he yelled to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately fell absolutely silent, and in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him said,"Before you tell that joke, sailor boy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, sailor boy , Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The sailor thought for a second, shook his head, and muttered, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Seen in the context of the exam results cluster fudge recently:

Got some AAA batteries at the shop but when I got home they were BCC's.

I went to the theatre once and halfway through the play, all the actors fell through the floor. I'm sure they were ok though. They were just going through a stage.

Got fired from my job as a human cannon ball. I doubt they'll find anyone of the same calibre.

They weren't pleased to get shot of you?

I think they were gunning for me all along.

Yeah, had you over a barrel

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office! Sincerely, Edna

My wife makes me take 1/4 Viagra tablet a day. It stops me peeing on my shoes.

.

I forgot which line I was on...

Wouldn't have been a better test if the author had checked his spelling? Hint: us over fifties can spell 'forty'.

So here's the thing Neil, either you meant to say what you wrote verbatim, i.e. (It) wouldn't have been a better test if the author had checked his spelling..so that the question mark might be better relaced by an exclamation mark to emphasise the statement that even with correct spellings the test would not have been any better, or Wouldn't (it) have been a better test if the author had checked his spelling? where the question mark of course belongs to the question being asked...

The question really, who gives a feck ?:D wrong spelling of course for obvious reasons.

Indeed Jim, It was sent to me by an old friend in New Zealand and I thought it worth passing on, spelling and all.

Nice one DaveG. Very dry !

But Dave, you know damn well there's a rule that any internet post criticising spelling or grammar must contain at least one error itself!

(My excuse is I'm suffering from German language lessons; it's buggering up my typing and English spelling...)

>

Look again

Nice one Simon.

Your musical taste is a little highbrow for me, but
Have you heard Pavarotti singing It's a man's world, with James Brown.

Check it out on YouTube, and tell me what you think.

Oof, "can-of-worms"!

I'm moving your quote to a former "music-themed" thread Paul, and will reply there

Found while sifting through grandparents' photos and souvenirs....

Just for the record, a person born in '33 would have been 45 in '78.

A young man got his first ever job working on a Lighthouse far out at sea.

Reporting for duty on the first day after a very rough crossing and boarding the Lighthouse he was greeted by the Lighthouse Master.
"What is the drill on the Lighthouse he enquired?" "Oh "says the Master, "its easy, Monday we sweep the floors and the stairs, wash the walls, fill the lamps and polish the lenses, then we retire to the lounge area."
"What happens after that" he enquired. "Oh" says the Master "we play Crib and Dominoes until bedtime as we don’t have any TV reception."
"That is a shame" the young man said," I am not into Pub Games." "Well", said the Master "you can read a book from our Library"

Monday comes and Monday goes, and the young man asked, "What happens on Tuesday? "
"Well", said the master "we sweep the floors and the stairs, wash the walls, fill the lamps, and polish the lenses, then we retire to the lounge area, and we play Pool, and Billiards."
"That is a shame" said the young man, "its pub games again".
"The Library it is for you" the Master said.

Tuesday comes and goes and the same question, "What happens on Wednesday."
Same answer, "We sweep the floors and the stairs, wash the walls, fill the lamps, and polish the lenses, then we retire to the lounge area, and because Wednesday is special Trinity House send out a supply ship with lots of booze and they send two young ladies for our enjoyment for the evening."
Now the young man is getting rather agitated and the Master asks what is wrong.
The young man said that he had just broken up with his fiancée and he did not think that that type of behavior would be right
.
The Master was now at his wits end and asked the young man,. “You are not Gay, are you?”
“Certainly not” exclaimed the young man fervently.

Well, said the Master “ You are not going to like Thursday then”.

Another one copied from a Shell Tankers facebook group, (i went to sea on their ships)


A group of whales were fed up with ships.

The things criss-crossed their feeding grounds, migration paths and breeding areas all the time.
Occasionally, they turned out to be actively hunting them.

So they held a strategic meeting in the middle of the ocean and decided to hammer out a plan of action. "We'll split into two groups, one behind the other" said the chief whale. "The first group can swim under each ship, and everyone will blow together, creating a huge bubble of air, which will capsize the ship, causing the sailors to drop into the water."

"The second group of whales, which will have to be you killer whales over there, can then eat them all up"! "Soon word will spread and we'll be left alone"

After the cheering died down, one whale at the back of the group raised a side fin to gain attention.

The chief said "Yes Moby, you have something to add?"
"Well," replied Moby, " I can go along with the blow job but I refuse to swallow any seamen"

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers.
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."