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Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1655193
14/01/2022 19:36
14/01/2022 19:36
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
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Posts: 740
Cleveland
Brill

Can't beat a new ( old ) joke.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1655214
16/01/2022 09:38
16/01/2022 09:38
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
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PaulL  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
Tolkien is Hobbit forming.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1655251
18/01/2022 08:27
18/01/2022 08:27
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,723
Brisbane, Australia
Possum Offline
My life on the forum
Possum  Offline
My life on the forum

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,723
Brisbane, Australia
How does one get Pikachu on a bus?

You Pokémon


Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1655537
01/02/2022 18:47
01/02/2022 18:47
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
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Posts: 740
Cleveland
What's old and wrinkled and hangs out your pyjamas ?

Your mum.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1655790
15/02/2022 00:29
15/02/2022 00:29
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,610
S. Wales. Way beyond my means
Gripped Offline
Club member 1924
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S. Wales. Way beyond my means
Bono and the Edge walk into a pub.
The barman looks up and says: “For goodness sake’s, not U2 again!”

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1656805
06/04/2022 07:18
06/04/2022 07:18
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
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Posts: 740
Cleveland
I remember hearing someone ask Bob Monkhouse what sex was like at 70.
He said that it was fine, but not as good as across the road at No 71.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1657637
17/05/2022 19:38
17/05/2022 19:38
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,596
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
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Aldershot
An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’


16VT and X1/9 1500

We must all do our part for the planet.
I unplugged a row of electric cars that nobody was using.
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1657641
17/05/2022 21:25
17/05/2022 21:25
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
PaulL  Offline
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Posts: 740
Cleveland
Ditto

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: PeteP] #1657694
19/05/2022 12:26
19/05/2022 12:26
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 5,100
highlands
jimboy Offline
Club Member 857
jimboy  Offline
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Forum is my life

Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 5,100
highlands
Originally Posted by PeteP
An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’


This really made me laugh, so did my wife… laugh


I'm an old git & happy with it,most of the time
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1658452
24/06/2022 16:47
24/06/2022 16:47
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,596
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
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I would like to believe that this is the genuine article, but somehow I doubt it .

Attached Files
Last edited by PeteP; 24/06/2022 16:48.

16VT and X1/9 1500

We must all do our part for the planet.
I unplugged a row of electric cars that nobody was using.
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1658454
24/06/2022 18:23
24/06/2022 18:23
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
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Cleveland
Looks genuine to me.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1658816
09/07/2022 11:15
09/07/2022 11:15
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,596
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
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PeteP  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2005
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Aldershot
Pinched this one from my Shell Tanker Fleet Facebook group.

Don't Trust Alexa

Joe :
Alexa, I am feeling that I want to have sex.

Alexa :
Most certainly... Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 C degrees.
The Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it.
I have hired your favorite Thai masseuse. She is just 12 minutes away as per her Uber ride status.
I have scheduled her payment from your credit card 2 hours from now.
I have checked your wife's GPS and she is shopping in a suburban mall.
According to her buying checklist stored on my disk, she will take at least 2 more hours, plus according to Google maps traffic analysis, more than 1 hour to reach home.
Enjoy your sex. And yes, your condom is in the pull out drawer of the living room and the key to that drawer is in your wallet.
This is the last condom, so I have added condoms to your Amazon cart....
This is called true Artificial Intelligence...

MEANWHILE......

Wife:
Alexa, have you set it up?

Alexa:
Sure thing, he thinks you are going to take three hours. If you take an Uber home, you will be there in 45 minutes. I'm recording the whole thing with four cameras, you just need to walk in, we have the bastard cold.
I've got your divorce papers printed and ready, and your attorney briefed, case documents are drafted and will be completed tomorrow, $1 M. damages plus $10,000 per month alimony.
All set. Your Uber is waiting outside.

...
(After all, Alexa is a female)


16VT and X1/9 1500

We must all do our part for the planet.
I unplugged a row of electric cars that nobody was using.
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1658842
10/07/2022 20:47
10/07/2022 20:47
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
PaulL  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
Ooohhh

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: PeteP] #1658854
10/07/2022 22:34
10/07/2022 22:34
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 17,038
Auld Reekie
Edinburgh Online content
Club President, member225
Edinburgh  Online Content
Club President, member225
Forum veteran

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 17,038
Auld Reekie
Originally Posted by PeteP
Shell Tanker Fleet Facebook group.


This is surely a niche gathering!


BumbleBee carer smile
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1658856
10/07/2022 23:19
10/07/2022 23:19
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,596
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,596
Aldershot
There are quite a lot of us, 3200 at the moment. The oldest members first went to sea in the 1950s, when the Shell fleet was around 100 ships, that was the UK fleet alone.

We have members who are still at sea today so with the internet being available pretty well everywhere, even in the middle of an ocean, we get posts from all over. Some nostalgia, some current issues.

It has changed enormously from my time in the 1960's when it was fun, I visited about 80 different countries geographically diverse from South America, Carribean, West Africa, Northwest Europe, Mediterranean, Persian Gulf, Indian sub continent, Far East, Australia + NZ in my first year at sea. had my 18th birthday in Wellington NZ. Saw the whole sky lit up going into Auckland when the USA detonated a nuclear bomb in space 2000 odd miles away.

This one.

Anyway back to the jokes


16VT and X1/9 1500

We must all do our part for the planet.
I unplugged a row of electric cars that nobody was using.
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1658861
11/07/2022 08:03
11/07/2022 08:03
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
P
PaulL Offline
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PaulL  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
Nuclear bomb in the sky.

That's nothing, it's going to be 31oC today, and the world will end.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1658926
12/07/2022 21:08
12/07/2022 21:08
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 634
France, Charente
paulw Offline
Club Member 1326
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Enjoying the ride

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Posts: 634
France, Charente
Only 31 ....? That's just warming up!

It's 10.00pm here and it's still 31 C


Paul W.

[Linked Image]


Re: Crap joke thread [Re: paulw] #1658933
12/07/2022 23:30
12/07/2022 23:30
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 17,038
Auld Reekie
Edinburgh Online content
Club President, member225
Edinburgh  Online Content
Club President, member225
Forum veteran

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 17,038
Auld Reekie
Originally Posted by paulw
Only 31 ....? That's just warming up!

It's 10.00pm here and it's still 31 C


That's no joke tongue


BumbleBee carer smile
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1658990
15/07/2022 08:43
15/07/2022 08:43
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
P
PaulL Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
PaulL  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
What is the most common owl in the British Isles ?








Teet





Teatowel

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1658997
15/07/2022 10:53
15/07/2022 10:53
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,596
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
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Aldershot
One day I'll have a body like that.

Attached Files
un jour.jpg (298 downloads)
Last edited by PeteP; 15/07/2022 10:53.

16VT and X1/9 1500

We must all do our part for the planet.
I unplugged a row of electric cars that nobody was using.
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1659682
16/08/2022 17:30
16/08/2022 17:30
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,596
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
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PeteP  Offline
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Aldershot
For the Mersey siders among us

A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said,
'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey'.


16VT and X1/9 1500

We must all do our part for the planet.
I unplugged a row of electric cars that nobody was using.
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1664205
18/03/2023 09:23
18/03/2023 09:23
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
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Enjoying the ride
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
Remember I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue ?

Introductions to the Criminal Ball included

Mr & Mrs Arm

and their Greek folk singing son

Grievous BoDiddlely Arm

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1664400
01/04/2023 08:49
01/04/2023 08:49
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
P
PaulL Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
PaulL  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi ?

Dubai doesn't show The Flintstones but Abu Dhabi do !

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1665822
18/06/2023 22:25
18/06/2023 22:25
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
PaulL  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
Earlier today I tried calling the Tinnitus helpline.

But all I got was a ringing sound.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1665907
24/06/2023 08:02
24/06/2023 08:02
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
PaulL  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
I've started writing a series of books about quiet sounds getting louder.

I'm on Volume 7

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1665930
25/06/2023 20:57
25/06/2023 20:57
Joined: Jun 2023
Posts: 105
Norwich
Gigli Offline
Club member 2053
Gigli  Offline
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On a journey

Joined: Jun 2023
Posts: 105
Norwich
I’ve got a new girlfriend who’s in a wheelchair. Lovely girl, but she now wants to identify as a wheelie bin.

I haven’t got a problem with that, but I can’t remember if I’m taking her out Tuesday, or Wednesday

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1665938
26/06/2023 17:07
26/06/2023 17:07
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
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PaulL  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
Good one !

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1667364
10/09/2023 22:59
10/09/2023 22:59
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
P
PaulL Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
PaulL  Offline
Club Member 1872, Regional Rep N.E.
Enjoying the ride
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
Watched a bit of the Great North Run, which reminded me of one the first female athletes to dominate marathon running in the late 19th century.

It was Karl Marx' cousin Onya.

Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1667547
17/09/2023 15:46
17/09/2023 15:46
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,596
Aldershot
PeteP Offline
Hon Club Member 005, Membership Secretary
PeteP  Offline
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Forum Fossil

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 21,596
Aldershot
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out... "Pa you need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with it."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is; now git out there and fix it."

So.......Paw mosies out to the outhouse, looks around, and yells back, "Ma there ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse honey! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Payells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around, and yells back,"Ma-dadgummit there ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of da hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, and then starts yelling, "Ma - Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?"


16VT and X1/9 1500

We must all do our part for the planet.
I unplugged a row of electric cars that nobody was using.
Re: Crap joke thread [Re: MattM] #1667560
17/09/2023 19:40
17/09/2023 19:40
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 740
Cleveland
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PaulL Offline
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Posts: 740
Cleveland
Brilliant Pete !!

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